People are making me claustrophobic. I am realising the immediacy of my biological ticking clock and although I’m meeting people (and holding onto old ones), it seems to be ineffective. I’m not going anywhere in the direction that I would like to.
I’ve had some time to think. I think it’s better to give up on those who don’t show any kind of initiative towards me. I’ve taken steps in eradicating a few people from my life (online presence) and I feel better for it. I am, however, clinging to old things. It’s like holding onto something small in case it had potential but knowing deep down, that it really doesn’t.
I need a fresh start. Time to reflect more and time for friends. Dating seems to not be going in any direction which is favourable and I don’t enjoy small talk.
I’ve just taken a look at the dynamic of relationships from a completely different angle. It’s made me realise that the girl I though someone would want are, in fact, probably the reason why they don’t want me. It’s baffling my mind. I can’t seem to understand it but perhaps it’s true.
Have I been doing it wrong all of these years?
I’ve neglected writing my blog for a little while because I’ve been quite focused on starting a book. I don’t know what I am doing but I know what I want to be said and for that reason – I’m just going for it.
Work has been ridiculous. I am an English teacher, by title, but am nowhere near it. I have taught about 6 lessons total since starting this job (7 weeks ago) and my Korean co teacher is younger than me, less experienced than me (even though that constitutes more respect for me, in Korean culture), yet she seems to run the show. There is absolutely no job satisfaction, and I am certain I will be a professional sit-on-my-ass-er by the end of the contract year.
Other than that, I haven’t quite taken the time to be grateful for my life. I had an accident on Saturday and I am not sure if I am over reacting, but nevertheless, I have been feeling slightly weird ever since. I slipped in the shower and my head only just missed the ledge. I have a sore body and a few bruises but in some attempt at flight or flight or good reflexes, I jolted my head up and missed it getting hurt. I lay there, water running on me for a few seconds feeling totally shaken up. When I got out the shower, I called my mom. After that, I had a panic attack and I felt as though oxygen had been completed depleted. I breathed heavily into a towel and then not and didn’t know why I breathed into a towel as it only made it worse. It was awful. I then took a xanxax and spent the rest of the afternoon in a weird haze.
The following day, I felt better but just completely on edge as if everything was in super drive. Maybe I am over reacting, but I needed to take this time to thank God that nothing serious happened to me. I have never quite felt shock like that before.