I know I am hard on myself. I am always angry at myself for some or other reason and I just can’t find it in me to relax and enjoy… whatever.
It’s been almost a year since I’ve been trying to do something about my weight. At most, I had lost 16 kilograms. At present, I am 12 kilograms lighter. If you’ve been following my rants about my perfectly average life, you will notice I’ve been struggling since LITERALLY January, 2nd. And here I thought 2013 would be my best year yet given how happy and successful I was at the end of 2012. Well, life surprises you and gives you curve balls. I am more than six months into the year, but it’s definitely not too late to make it count.
My greatest goals in life are to find a boyfriend/husband and to lose weight. I can’t decide which one is in the lead and because of this, it makes it hard. I have tried to pursue both at the same time, and it was a disaster. I am the girl that puts her whole heart and soul into someone. I would say that I am a good friend, but when it comes to men – I will go to the ends of the earth for you. I do this because I care but mostly because I want you to want me and I want you to stay with me. This leads to me neglecting myself – the worst thing when you’re trying to lose weight and or change your life.
I feel a sense of relief today. As I’ve thought about how I am, how hard I am on myself and how I tend to hate myself when I fail – I’ve decided it’s time to take a different approach. For the past year, it’s been all or nothing. I’ve put so so so much pressure on myself to be the perfect person. I decided that when I would change my life, it would be all or nothing and at 100%. I wanted to eat well, exercise but also wanted to be the model Christian, not sleep around, not go on dates, not smoke or drink. When I would stray, well that would be it – I’d feel gross. It also made it that much more appealing to just binge out on everything – food, sex, alcohol etc because I was lacking in it all.
My new approach is to be less hard on myself and to do anything and everything – in moderation. I’m not going to try and reach these perfect ideals any more. I want to live a healthy life and have fun at the same time – and that means going to the gym often, eating my fruit and vegetables, lean meat, low fat dairy and drinking lots of water, but also going on dates, having that packet of chips if I want it, drinking once a week and smoking if I want to. If I don’t condemn myself when I slip up, I am not under all that much pressure. This week has been good, I’ve eaten well and exercised and had the occasional cigarette. I went to gym, and after 30 minutes I was feeling shattered, so I went home. I was angry at myself that I didn’t finish that last 5 minutes on the bike, but as I left, I started to feel good. The point was – that I was working hard and I was there. I am almost starting at scratch fitness wise, and my effort was commendable. Last night, I had a packet of chips and a tub of ramen noodles. But the most important thing is that I did not over do it, as I usually do. And every day I am showing up less and less on the scale.
It’s important for me to remember, that no matter which approach I take – the Nazi girl or the liberal girl who does things in moderation – I am still changing my life and I am still losing. Slow and steady wins the race.