My Short Term Goals.

It’s the last day of 2013. I went to bed last night and woke up today with a sense of happiness and hope. I’m glad we’re leaving behind this year. I am glad that, this time tomorrow, I can say that my life will be changing “this year” – I’ll be traveling, going home and starting a new job surrounded by friends and family. Some days, I want to hide in Korea. Especially lately, when I’ve realized that I’ve put on 10 of the 16 kilos that I’d lost. But, I’d decided to take a head start on 2014, trying to lessen my calorie intake and try beat the food addiction with a stick (fast food!). Granted, it’s attempt 976, but – now is a better time than ever to make some short term goals for myself.

I want to lose 10 kilos before March, 3rd.

I want to successfully finish my postgraduate in Education in 2014.

I want to spend and save money wisely.

I want to stop being so needy, stop being so available to men who usually don’t appreciate it. (I will bend over backwards for someone who might show interest in me – giving and giving and I’m left with nothing, empty.)

I want to obsess less, especially with my phone. Waiting for messages, double checking if said person had read my reply.

Have a tremendous New Years Eve – be safe, take care and I hope we all have a healthier and happier 2014.

2014: No Resolutions.

Every time I get on that scale, I see a number higher than the last. I am utterly out of control with food and spend most of my time consumed with what my next meal will be, eating and only being to a point where I am satisfied after I’ve eaten copious amounts of fast food at night. I know this has to stop. I know my bad eating has always been linked to other aspects – if I am eating badly, I am sleeping more/less or irregularly, I am more tired, I am more unhappy and thus leading to me drinking more or making bad decisions. I know all of this too well, I spent almost my entire life living that way.

Oddly enough, I don’t feel depressed about it (right now). I saw a picture of a girl who exposed her stomach, admitting that this photo was to all the people that had bullied her in her life for being overweight. Yes, I admit my eating is out of control but I can also admit that there are people of different sizes in the world. I guess in a perfect world, I would be making healthier choices and loving my body, regardless of how it looked.

In two months, i will go home. I feel like I should be making these changes now, so that I can reach a goal by then (10 kg). But, and this is the point I am trying to stress, this isn’t going to be my resolution. I have read all about how the gym will be packed on January, 1st and how people feel hopeful because it’s a brand new start – and that would be correct, in a perfect world. If anything, I’d like to say that I hope 2014 is a happy, prosperous, healthy year for myself and everyone I love. I want to make smart decisions, I want to be happier and I want to take more control over my life.

2013 – What a Pile of Shit.

It’s the end of the year and I found myself thinking about how excited I was for 2014 to begin. But then my pessimism came crawling in and I actually wondered why we put such weight and significance in these kinds of events. It’s the same as going on a diet – “I can’t start on a Tuesday, I have to start on a Monday!” or “Let me start fresh tomorrow morning.” 2013 is a year, but a day is a day. If your life is in shambles now, chances are – it probably still will be in 2014. Nothing magical will happen when that clock strikes 12. I know that sounds oddly negative – yes, you can change your circumstances.

I suppose we use this time to reflect on the past year and feel excited about the things to come in the upcoming one – but in all honesty, 2013 has been a pretty big pile of shit for me.

Sick of Living.

I thought to myself “I hate that I have to reply to e-mails, I hate that I am asked to do things, I hate that I have to worry about whether I have enough food in my fridge and that I have to go to the shops. I hate that I have to get up and go to work.”  I want to go home to my country but lately, I don’t want to go home. And then it just hit me, that I am so sick of living. Am I that sour that I hate having friends? I hate being asked to do things because I am set up in the situation where I have to, again, say no. I hate social situations and if it were up to me, I’d be married and spend all of my time with one person that loves me romantically. Am I that bitter that I don’t care what anyone else thinks besides the opposite sex? And I’ve just given up hope with men as it is. The little optimism I used to carry is now completely depleted. I used to hold onto a thought that someone may want me, but at this stage – I am no longer waiting by the phone for his message that he suddenly wants to have 50 thousand of my babies and I know that the only time I may get is during the week when everyone else is busy. I don’t even care about it anymore. I lost hope in myself, I’ve put on a few kilograms that have shown up in my face and I am embarrassed to see myself and to be seen. I’ve just lost feelings of pleasure and happiness.

Rest in Peace, Madiba.

imagesNelson Mandela, Tata, my leader and my inspiration –

You made South Africa a better place. You showed the world what it was like to be completely selfless, to love and to accept. You forever changed South African democracy and instilled a sense of leadership, trust and forgiveness among South Africans. You are my role model. Your selfless acts changed the face of South Africa and I only hope that one day, we can gain that peace that was brought upon by your leadership.

We love you, Tata (Father, in isiXhosa).

Rest in Peace.

I can Hide Here.

I’m lonely and I’ve put myself in the situation where I could and possibly do feel rejected. The smallest things give the biggest blows.

When I am at work, I want to be home. When I am home, I want to be elsewhere. During the week, I want the weekend. When it’s the weekend, I am bored. I act out carelessly and when I realise it, It is Monday and I am exhausted.

I want to talk and I want companionship, but I don’t want a single person to see me. I think I don’t want to be seen. I feel like I have failed myself and my body to the point where I don’t want to be seen.

Back to the point where I know I need to do something but too lazy to do a damn thing. Where does that leave me now? Back to the point where I can lead a mediocre life pretending life is good and I am happy with myself, as was done for 24 years of my life.

For two years, I have wanted home – in three months, I go. And now, what? I don’t really want to go. I can hide here.