While I’ve been using this blog as my means of letting out anxiety, specifically about my weight and the way that it has affected me, I always thought that if I used it to check-in with myself and others on a daily basis about weight loss/gain, my food, exercise, goals – people would get bored. I then had a second thought, and think that maybe this would be a good idea for me. One of my favourite quotes “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” – and I think being accountable and involving a community to share my experience, may be something I need. I’ve been in Korea for 2 years without going home, and lately, have craved some kind of community – something like Weight Watchers, which is non-existent here (can you guess why!), and think that maybe it would be a good option for me when I go home.
Having said all of this, I’ve decided to start a 57 day challenge for myself. I will go home in 57 days, and having put on 10-11kg of the 16kg I had previously lost, I decided that I did not want to get off that plane to family and friends looking like the same big girl I was when I left 2 years ago.
I really hope you’ll follow and support me. I want criticism and encouragement – an online community instead of a social face-to-face one that which is so hard to find here. follow me to my next post where I can begin my challenge, Day 1.
Work is so slow right now. The kids are on vacation for a few months, all the teachers are on leave and because I am on a contract, it means I need to go in and sit around for eight hours with nothing to do, in an empty school. For months, it was all I looked forward to because I’d felt almost burnt out from the children. Yet, doing nothing makes me feel so useless. This has messed up my sleeping patterns and my overall mood immensely. It feels as though time is going so slowly, only because I have nothing going on and I have heaps to look forward to. I wanted to write them down as to lift my spirits and be thankful for them.
I will be going on holiday to Thailand in 47 days. A place I’ve always wanted to visit.
I will be going home to South Africa in 57 days – a place I have not been in two years.
I am seeing someone who makes me feel good about myself.
My life will change completely in 47 days, and I am so ready for this change.
I’ve been overweight my entire life. I had never felt comfortable in my own skin, up until the end of 2012. I had lost 16 kilograms and, although I have still never been what society deems thin, I realised tonight that it’s not at all about what society, friends, family or anyone else, thinks. My mind is wafting back to when I was that -16kg and how I felt. I felt happy, proud, excited. I could walk around with my head high knowing that I looked better and I felt better about the way I looked.
I’ve had such struggles for one year about getting back into losing weight. I managed to stay at my -16 weight for a good eight months, yet, something just died and I gained 10kg. I am now finding myself looking at pictures often of how I looked not too long ago. I feel annoyed that my legs, stomach and face is so much bigger than before.
Before wafting over to the negative side, this post is actually supposed to be positive. I realised that, in order to be comfortable in my own skin, I don’t need to move mountains. I don’t need to be at the size that society demands. I just have to be at the size that I love myself in. It’s ridiculous, I need a fat kick in the ass and to beat those 10 kg once again.
It’s January, 1st – finally. To think, one year ago today, I woke up in the Hilton Hotel after having the worst date ever. The next day, I had a job interview – that I got and am currently working at now and then I took a plane to Jeju Island, where I worked at a winter camp and met a man that I was semi infatuated with, yet later would learn, would be a big source of anguish, pain and anger (not necessarily in a romantic way).
This is the first New Years Eve in about eight years, I stayed at home and did not drink. In fact, I feel asleep before 12, waking up at 11:45pm. I did not think the clock striking 12 would be so emotional for me, but I cried. I spent the last 15 minutes of 2013 thinking about all the shit I was leaving behind in that year and I felt good. I wanted that horrible mess to be thoughts of that year and not of the new one. When it went 12, I was in bed. I could hear a few cheers and a few moments later, some fireworks – that I wish I could of seen, too. I was happy to say “I am going HOME this year” – after not being in South Africa for 2 years now. I can finally say, my work contract will end NEXT month and soon, I’ll be taking my deserved holiday in Thailand and then hopping on a 24 hour flight, home.
I’m glad I am not hungover. I am starting off the year right. But, before closing off the regrets of 2013 – I wanted to note the things that I did learn.
I learnt to let go of a relationship that was toxic for me. Having spent a lot of time and energy on one person, I find it hard to let go. I did. And that is one more thing that I have overcome.
I learnt to be comfortable with a man, as a friend.
I learnt the meaning of hard work. Yes, I worked hard in my first year in Korea – 35 hour teaching lessons a week and a boss that was less than accommodating – but this year, i truly stretched my knowledge as a teacher, or rather, an ESL teacher (hopefully that will transcend when I am teaching back home). I learnt to work with a difficult boss, yet at the end of the day, she only made me a better teacher – even though I feel her motives were not to make me better, but rather train me to do the work that she did not want to do herself.
I learnt that I now value the peace and serenity of a quiet town. Moving from a small town to the city, living down town, I feel anxiety and I feel claustrophobic.
I learnt to be conscientious about the way that I look. I no longer live with the wool covering my eyes, oblivious to food choices thinking that it will not make a difference to my quality of life. I have been hard on myself, but I would rather live this way, than wafting through life, barely living, doing things that were bad for me and not feeling remorse for them.
So, I still stand by my choice saying that 2013 was not a good year, I am walking away with some new skills and knowledge that will hopefully following me into this new year, as well as many more to come. I hope to grow more as a person, become more proud and happy with myself thus leading to me make good and healthy decisions.
Happy New Year.