Eating My Words.

Wow, my writing has slowed down considerably. It’s another one of those things where I get really excited about a project (writing my book) and then slowly lose interest or drive. I still have the aspiration to continue writing it but it’s barely in motion right now.

For the last month, my students have been on vacation. It’s been wonderful. This time, for a Public School teacher, is called “desk warming.” It’s when we have to come into work for the full work day even though there are no classes, no students and barely any teachers here. It’s when we sit and watch movies on our laptops and do whatever we want to occupy our time. It’s usually a pain in the ass. However, this time it’s been different. I have been teaching a 15 year old girl every morning for one and a half hours. We have been focusing on conversation. It took little preparation on my side, yet it really was fun. It kept me busy and active. She is a lovely girl and I was happy to do the lessons every day. On top of that, I have been teaching the two office ladies and the principle English every morning since the beginning of my contract. During the vacation, we changed the time to the afternoon. The principle is seldom here during this time and it usually ends up being only me and the girls. I actually look forward to it. We work from a textbook with dialogues and we move through the reading, listening and new expressions fairly quickly. After this, we usually discuss things like nails, hair etc. It’s actually really nice to have someone to talk to at work, seeing as I am the only English speaking person here. Although there is often miscommunication and a fair amount of charades – it’s still fun. By the time that all of that is done, I am left with about two hours before home time.

Now that I have been side tracked, let me get to the point of this post – as the title suggests, and which is fairly accurate, I am eating my words. I remember very distinctly writing a post one year ago entitled “My Last Fat Birthday.” Guess what? It’s my birthday and I am still fat! And quite frankly, I am happier than I have been in quite a few years. The place that I was in when I wrote that post a year ago, was one of darkness and pure hatred for my body. I let my size determine my life. I hated myself when I ate and when I put on weight. It ruled my life.

I cannot begin to tell you how freeing it is to not let your body rule your life and determine your happiness. After going home in March for three months, being with lovely family and friends as well as being put on these anti depressants – I am a different person. I am HAPPY. I am more confident, more self reliant and more positive. I look in the mirror and I love who I see – curves and rolls and all. I feel GOOD with my body, mind and soul. That is definitely not to say that I would like to lose some weight. I think that losing weight needs to come from a place of loving yourself as is and having the love and respect to work hard and do better. Although I am not actively trying to lose right now, I feel great regardless. The bottom line and as I have said already “IT IS SO FREEING TO NOT LET YOUR BODY RULE YOUR LIFE!” wow, it feels so good to say it.

I have been living a fairly simple life for the last six months.By simple, I mean – no drama, no arguments, no depression, no worries – or rather, minimal. I had previously posted about a girl that I have been friends with since University. One that did not help me when I needed it and I decided to delete her off Facebook instead of talking to her, because I didn’t feel like the ~talk~. I was advised otherwise by my followers – but at the end of the day – it’s not about the fact that I deleted someone because they couldn’t help me one time. I feel like it’s a reflection of who you need and don’t need in your life. If a friend is a friend, they’re there for you all of the time. So, as is turns out – this girl sends me a message to see how I am. She had obviously not noticed that I had deleted her. I told her what I did and why and she said that she tried to help but she was very busy etc and that it was a bit ridiculous that I was cutting her out because she “was busy.” I apologised for hurting her feelings and had I heard any kind of reason as to why she couldn’t or didn’t help me out when I asked for help, then I would of had context to understand the situation. But, she didn’t give me anything – no reply, in fact. For that reason – it was simple – you’re either my friend and you help me when I need help, as I would help my friends if they needed help, or you’re not. I think it’s easy for people to use the excuse that they’re busy. When I don’t receive a reply to my text for days it’s because they’re “busy” – I don’t buy it. No one is that busy that they can’t send a simple message stating that they’re busy and can’t chat. As I type this, it becomes more clear to me why I didn’t even bother to talk to her before this. Truthfully, she hasn’t been a good friend for years and she used the “I’m busy” excuse, which is actually the worst excuse in the book. I apologise for not receiving any context as to WHY things went down the way that they did – I won’t blame you and I won’t blame myself. I will apologise for being hurtful, as apparently, I hurt her feelings. But that’s the extent of it. It’s quite strange how little I am worrying or obsessing over this matter.

Now that the swirls inside my head are out on paper (screen), I feel good.