I wish I could solve all the problems in the world. Well, not all the problems – but the ones that I have personally experienced or ones that I really do care about. It’s odd for me to imagine that there are still young teenagers experimenting with drugs, alcohol and cigarettes for the first time, but if I could go back to that age – I know nothing that was said to me would of stopped me either. I’ve seen the effects that drug addiction has on people. My best friend was addicted to meth for a few years and it tore everything we had, apart. But, people are going to do it. People will do things that are bad for them and there isn’t that much I can do about it.
At the same time, I want to link this to weight loss or rather, weight in general. As I sit, an over weight female, I let my ~scars~ show to the whole world – I am overweight. There’s no secret. It is how I represent myself. And being overweight, I still am quick to judge those who are, too. Do I really want the first person I see to see the struggles that I have been through? People suffering from other weight related disorders, however – it may not be that easy to see. Just because someone looks healthy, does not mean they are healthy. I am overweight, but have been and am back on eating well and exercise. I have now lost 25 pounds from my heaviest weight, and I am back on track to lose the rest – but not after a grueling 10 months of straying and putting on 10 of the 35 I had previously lost. We are all at different developmental levels. It’s easy to judge, lose patience or to get angry at someone who doesn’t like the way they look , but does not have the drive to change it – I have just been there.
The main point I am trying to make here is, “Everyone is fighting their own battles – try not be a cunt.”
I’ve recently being talking with a girl on the other side of the world who is anxious to come to South Korea because of her weight. We talked openly and honestly, and it opened my eyes to a few things.
I’ve just started reading the book Half-Assed – a weight loss memoir, and it’s quite weird how this all fell into place at the same time. So many of the writers’ stories resonated with me. It was almost as though it was me sitting there, writing my story. As admitted on the back cover – “You won’t find a negative word in this book.”, that was just it – it was an honest, funny and down-to-earth book about the daily and long term struggles this woman went and still perhaps goes through (I am not finished the book yet).
The point I am trying to make, which is not seeming so clear at this point, is – I always felt that overweight people all felt the same. That we all had the same issues and we all disliked our bodies, we all had the same fears and thoughts. I had never really thought about the specifics that someone who struggles with weight, would go through. The writer admits to sneaking out the back entrance of her house to escape greeting and or seeing extended family members. The girl that I had recently come into contact with, admitted she worried about physical space. I, on the other hand, had never really worried about those things. I feel as though my weight has not held me back from doing the things that I want to, 99% of the time. There were pool parties that I’d lied about having my bathing suit when I was younger, but generally – I am happy that I still take the opportunities and live my live as though I am worth every thing that I do.
But then, what has being over weight done to me? My psyche, my mind, my self esteem and thoughts? I suppose there is something I do that I don’t even notice myself doing it anymore. As soon as I walk outside of my front door, as soon as I see someone – I immediately obsess wondering “Look how big I am, I wonder what they are thinking.” I feel as though it’s just become second nature to me. On top of this, clothes is a major issue. It IS depressing not finding anything in your size – or not looking good in the things that are 3x bigger. Ask any fat person, and I am sure they will admit the same. I feel like sex has played a big part in my weight, too – constantly having a low self image, I turned to men to give me validation that I am or can be sexy – but only when I am drunk. I find it hard to be physical, sexually or non-sexually, with anyone because I feel like a monster that no one wants to touch.
The one thing I want in the world is to be married to a wonderful, handsome and faithful man and have children. But, before I get there – I at least one some time to be able to be objectively thin and wanted by the opposite sex.
What a perfect weekend so far. I came home last night after gym and got in bed early. I did some reading, watched TV shows and then listened to some music while I imagined the life I want for myself. I woke up just early enough to see the sun rise and it was breathtaking. I got back in bed and slept in until 11am. I had not done that in so long. When I got out of bed, I got ready, had a healthy brunch then headed over the Ansan Bus Terminal. I caught a bus for Gapyeong, which is north of Seoul. The bus ride was over two hours, and although I was super antsy – I was happy to be doing something cultural. I took the trip so that I could visit The Land of the Morning Calm Garden. As it is Autumn now in Korea, I really wanted to get some nice pictures.
Here are some of the pictures I took today.
I am on my millionth attempt to lose weight and I decided to go through my old blog posts. The ones I wrote exactly one year ago when life was great, when I was working hard, losing weight, happy and reflective. I was thanking my good and bad experiences for getting me to where I was at that present moment. I was not bitter. That person is an inspiration to me. Who would of thought that one year later, I would be the one that I look up to and admire.
I feel as though my blog entries were more exciting and better written. I think this year, this place has just been for me to exit my thoughts quickly. Living in a small town last year, I sure did have a lot to say. I had a life of ups and downs that were news worthy. This year, I do find it hard sometimes to come up with something to say. I want to write. In fact, I would love to sit here and write all night long – but it seems my life isn’t that exciting lately, ha.
Regardless, the main reason I am my own role model is the radiance of happiness I emitted while on my weight loss journey last year. I knew what it was like to work hard, to be focused and also – to be a positive person.
So, as hopefully as you, the reader, is that I won’t go back to old ways, that I can live a life I am proud of – I found my inspiration from the writing of my own. I am finally in the perfect position to make this happen. I feel calm, relaxed, settled and focused. I have under five months until I go home. I want to make every second count.
It is now Autumn in Korea and it is the one thing that I can give it credit for. Autumn is absolutely magnificent. It is nothing compared to the Autumn we have in South Africa, simply because the leaves in Korea are breathtaking. As I ride the bus to work, one long road, each tree is a different colour. From reds to orange and yellow and green and I wish it would stay this way forever. Not only are the Autumn leaves something to write home about, the sunsets are absolutely amazing. Every evening, I can stare and appreciate it.
I got off the bus early two days ago to take some photos. The time of day made it difficult to really show off the colours, but I think some of them came out quite well. With a deleted Facebook account, I suddenly wondered “Why am I taking the photos if I can’t show the entire world?” and when I thought about it some more, I realized I should share them here.
This blog has been a great place for me. I have been writing for just over one year, and I know my story is nothing special. It’s the ramblings that go on in my head and the experiences that I go through, but it is also something which makes me feel good about myself. I’ve stuck with it – through the triumph of weight loss to losing control, depression and life here in South Korea.
As promised, here are some photos of the Autumn leaves and sunset so far. I plan to visit some new places and get some more photos soon. These were done with no filter (and I hate that one has to admit that today, with a world full of instagram etc).