Do People Even Care?

With recent happenings, my biggest concern has not been my weight – which has been a nice change. Yet, living has just seemed like one big blur for the last two weeks.

I am finally reaching the end of my work contract in Korea. I have just under three days left at my current school, and then it’s off to Phuket for my well deserved, long awaited holiday. After that, I have three days in Korea before flying home.

I’ve been torn, worried and stressed about making a decision concerning my next venture. When you add more options to the mix, it’s just a cause for more sleepless nights, on top of the fact that my mind likes to pay attention to small detail, too – what should I pack, what should I throw out, when will I do this and when can I do that. It’s safe to say I am not functioning optimally at the moment, but unlike those scenarios where people try make you feel better by saying “everything will be OK” – everything WILL be OK.

As mentioned, I’ve thrown in some new options into the mix for a new job starting in May/June. I’ve done the Korea thing for three years now, and I am super comfortable and happy living in this country – but of course, I feel like coming back for a fourth year would mean people think “yeah, ok she’s just running away.” etc. I know I shouldn’t really care what they think.

I am finishing my teaching degree this year. Finally. After three years (this being my third), I can finally graduate. I have now made the time to go home for three months, which I was never able to do while working under contract here. I will be home until the very end of May, and thus – I have been job hunting for a new TEFL/TESL position for then.

I was offered a job in Bali and I must say that has taken up the most of my precious little head’s time. Bali sounds like a dream, and wide open spaces and beaches is exactly what my soul craves (coming from Cape Town), but as I researched more, read over the contract, cost of living, benefits, work hours and just general living conditions – it just doesn’t seem like the place for me to be given that I have not saved that much money. The salary is not glorious, in fact, it makes me worry I’d even make it month to month – especially after living such a comfortable life in Korea.

I let out all of my insecurities about going home to Tuesday, while drinking. And it made me feel awful and ashamed, because we were taught to never talk outside of the house. It’s the first time I let out my true feelings, owing to the fact that I felt my family may be the cause of some of my issues.  Although I have not a single bad thing to say about my mother – I also felt like my entire family and friends don’t really care about me coming home, too. A day later, I got an email from my mother telling me how excited she was to see me and all the things she’d planned for us to do. It was just what I needed.

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Sunny South Africa and a Cloud of Nerves.

As the time draws nearer for me to leave Korea and head back home, I am starting to stress a lot, feeling badly about myself but also reflect. I know that I’ve felt depressed for over a year and I know why that is – but as the time comes to go home, I feel like those insecurities and bad feelings will just be seen and made worse. After doing some reflecting today, I starting thinking about my family in a way which makes me feel guilty and bad.

I never realised how much my brother affected who I am. After talking to him and him admitting that someone in his life causes him to feel like he has lost his voice – I realised that it was that exact feeling that he gave me. During the big things and the small, he constantly would not respect or listen to me. He belittled me in front of others, and made me feeling frustrated a lot of the time. But, it’s only now – when I have been away from that environment for two years and have done a lot of introspection, that I realise. I fear to go home in fear that I will be that person again. I’ve come out of my shell, gained confidence and a whole lot of life experience but as soon as I am with family again, it’s as though I am the youngest child again, needing permission, needing help, being treated as insignificant and causing me to shrivel up back into my shell.

I Skyped with my friend tonight. I will be staying with her and her family for basically the duration of my stay in South Africa (3 months) – because she lives close to my new work. She and I grew up together and she was able to understand what I was saying about my family and my brother.

I will be going home in two weeks, and although I am excited – yes, I am again, constantly obsessing over my weight and how I will be seen when I see people I haven’t seen in two years or more. I am disappointed in myself, I hate how I look and I am sure they will, too.

I Know Better.

Yes, I have failed myself again. I get into beast mode and it’s like temporary insanity with food and sleeping. It used to be less and far spread, but now it’s as if 80% of my life is spent this way. I’m having trouble sleeping at night because I am leaving Korea in two weeks and my anxiety is through the roof. I worry about what I need to pack, what needs to be thrown out, who will come collect the big stuff and even though I spent Saturday night throwing out all the things I do not want (11 bags full), I still have that sense of anxiety. When do I buy my friends gifts? When do I end my cell phone contract? When do I try find a new job? And on top of that, money – I’ve been told when my money will be deposited, but if it isn’t – then I am royally screwed.

Not only do the trivial things give me anxiety. I am a big fat loser again, who has gained almost all of the 36 pounds she had lost. And now it’s time to get on that plane and see every one after two years, the same blown up girl I was before I left. I feel ashamed, and I feel disgusting and ugly in all my clothes. Yes, I dread all of this.

I know I haven’t done any writing in a while. I just haven’t had the energy to do it. My life is dormant at work and at home. I spent three days out of seven. drinking, about two weeks ago. I had two one night stands, and I eat McDonalds just about every evening. I hate the person I am simply because I know better.