December, 31st. I’m at school and the students are going on vacation today. For that reason, my presence is completely unnecessary as I’ve been sitting here all morning doing nothing.
Everything is going well in my life. I’ve just completed my postgraduate in Education while having a full-time job and two part-time jobs, I’ve got a wonderful boyfriend, I’m going home in two weeks for a three week vacation. My life is good… but this anxiety and depression is bigger than me. I don’t remember what it feels like to be happy, proud or excited. I feel like there are too many hours in a day while, at the same time, there are too few hours in a day. I crave free time but when it’s given to me, I sit at home obsessing over a magazine that isn’t straight, bedding that isn’t neat and dishes that aren’t clean. I obsess, obsess and obsess that even my free time feels like jail. I can’t sleep at night, my mind is racing with things that aren’t even important. I’ve lost the will to do things – I can sleep all day every day. Waking up for work is just me postponing my alarm clock for at least twenty minutes because I couldn’t be damned anymore to wear make-up to work or eat breakfast before.
This is bigger than me.