This is Bigger Than Me.

December, 31st. I’m at school and the students are going on vacation today. For that reason, my presence is completely unnecessary as I’ve been sitting here all morning doing nothing.

Everything is going well in my life. I’ve just completed my postgraduate in Education while having a full-time job and two part-time jobs, I’ve got a wonderful boyfriend, I’m going home in two weeks for a three week vacation. My life is good… but this anxiety and depression is bigger than me. I don’t remember what it feels like to be happy, proud or excited. I feel like there are too many hours in a day while, at the same time, there are too few hours in a day. I crave free time but when it’s given to me, I sit at home obsessing over a magazine that isn’t straight, bedding that isn’t neat and dishes that aren’t clean. I obsess, obsess and obsess that even my free time feels like jail. I can’t sleep at night, my mind is racing with things that aren’t even important. I’ve lost the will to do things – I can sleep all day every day. Waking up for work is just me postponing my alarm clock for at least twenty minutes because I couldn’t be damned anymore to wear make-up to work or eat breakfast before.

This is bigger than me.

Within an Inch of Yourself, You’ll Be Dead.

I haven’t been writing because I can’t find any quiet space in my mind to do so. I feel like time is sprinting and each day is done before I can even bat an eyelid. I sit at my desk with my eyes half closed and before I know it, I’m in bed desperately trying to fall asleep. “Why do you want to fall asleep?” I ask myself. If the day is racing past you and you feel like within an inch of yourself, you’ll be dead, why waste it being asleep when you can finally appreciate the time when you’re alone and comfortable, ideally anxiety-free but realistically, not. Do I love what I do? Why do I cross off the days? Waiting for the next big thing to happen. That which means zooming through the next few days or months to get there. I feel like the anxiety and my feeling of being overwhelmed has caged me. I am ready to sit and scream and sit again for another few weeks, alone, to find the calmness of my mind. The calmness is gone. Life is about money and moving from place to place to get it. I can’t focus. I can’t find the space to enjoy my free time. Why is my head so cloudy? Why am I always tired? I’ve neglected important things because of lack of time and lack of clear head.