Today is weigh day (Weight Watchers) and after a week that was slightly different to the rest (more bread, more red meat and just in general a different eating schedule), I was afraid I would put on weight. I instead stayed the same. I was quite pleased, seeing as I had already lost 6.2kg in the last month. This upcoming week is school holidays (again!) and that means more changes in routine.
I’ve started my second teaching practical and it happens to be at my old High School. I seem to be more and more disappointed as the teachers really don’t want any part of student teaching (the shadowing, teaching of their classes). I feel like a big bother to my “mentor” and the faculty in general. My previous school was so accommodating it almost puts this school to shame. I’m doing my bare minimum and I’m leaving early, because they’ve scheduled only 2 observations a day for me. I want to have as little contact with this mentor as possible because she is unfriendly and does not want to engage with me at all – even though she is only a year older than me and we went to the same school.
In general, though – I still feel great. Weekends spent at home are wonderful. I spent three nights in a row going down to the beach to see the sunset which is breathtaking every night (see my previous post for photos). I’ve been offered a job in Korea and I’ll be going back to the small town I lived in in my second year. The place where everything started, this blog included. I experienced many firsts there – my first boyfriend, my first heartache, my first realisation that I needed to change my life, my first gym experience and probably the happiest I’d ever been. That’s not to say the first few months were hell. Prior to all of these experiences, I did not have any friends and I was not well liked. It was a blessing that I become comfortable with myself and enjoy my own company. I am my own best friend. Going back there does not scare me. It excites me. I realised, being in the big city for the last year, that my heart belongs in a small city. I thrived there, and I only associate good things with that place.
I’ve started reading The Gift of Imperfection, and it’s probably also the kind of literature I need in my life. The author, Brene Brown, is also a reason why I changed my life – after watching The Power of Vulnerability on TED Talks. I remember reading at least 10 pages a day of an inspirational book before. It helped me stay motivated. I’ve also been writing a lot more since I have been home.
Two nights ago, I lay in bed, said a prayer and had a thought that I had not had since 2012 when I dated a guy who made me feel like a princess – “The colour is back in my life.” I didn’t think I could achieve that feeling without the love, lust or approval of a man – but here I am, all on my own.
Unlike before, when the lights mimicked me, my head feels the pillow and I’m in darkness. Only the sound of my breath, heartbeat and the trees blowing in the wind. That incessant beating that is n sync with my throbbing head usually makes me sick but today, it makes me believe in you. I am alone. If I could store these words in the spaces of my head, I would. I can’t. And now they’re lost as this shining light is burning my retina. I have to go, good night.
Well, I’ve been wanting to write for an entire week but have never quite found the quiet time to do it. Seems life is a bit chaotic – although, I always say that. It seems even the smallest tasks make me feel overwhelmed. On that note, that’s the main topic I wanted to write about.
I started my anti depressants just over a week ago. Apparently they take at least two weeks to start working. I felt absolutely content this past weekend and I didn’t know if I needed to thank the pills or not. I went home and spent the entire weekend with my brother, sister-in-law and my three year old nephew. They live in the UK, so it’s been three years since we’ve all been together. I felt immense joy and love in my heart. It was as if I didn’t want to miss a thing – waking up early, joining in all of the time – which is also slightly strange for me when it comes to family events. I felt heartsore when I had to leave this past Sunday to come back this side for work.
I started to believe the pills were working, yet I began obsessively making lists and doing things in near panic mode two days ago. That’s exactly what the pills were prescribed for. I am giving it time. I do feel good.
I’ve now been at Weight Watchers for 4 weeks and am down 6.2kg (14 lbs). THAT makes me feel good in itself. I love losing weight. And most of all, it’s been done quite effortlessly. I feel that home and where I am living now has made a very positive influence on me. I smoke and drink less and evidently, eat better too.
I recently got some documents done by a company that has helped me before. It is one woman running the show and I’ve been working with her for three years now. She thanked me quite sincerely for being a good client and when I got that e-mail, I just thought to myself “I deserve it all.” I deserve good things and to be happy, because I feel I am a good and kind person.
Job interviews have not worked out as planned but I do have two more this week which look promising. One is a school in the town I lived in two years ago. I spent the first six months there, hating it. The foreigners did not like me because I was a drunk mess and my friend was not very polite – and that hurt a lot. After the first six months, I decided to change my life and it was then, that I changed into a person that takes care of herself in more ways than one. I didn’t care about them, because the sole focus was myself. For that reason, I only attach good feelings to the place. It was there that I became the person that I am proud to be.
The other job interview is in a province that I do not know at all. All I do know, is that it is 45 minutes to a nice beach/area. That, in itself, is a pro to move there. However, I feel torn. Do I go back to what I know, where I accomplished a lot or do I need a great change. Change like that does not scare me. But, looking at the pros and cons – it seems the old town wins. The pay is better, the area helped me become a better person and it is a province that I know – close to people and places I like (the air base – which seems an important factor for me now, as I would really like to meet someone this year). The new province has the beach close-ish and it’s a new adventure, shall we call it. Perhaps I am counting my eggs before they hatch, but I do feel I can get both jobs.
All in all, I feel good. I am losing weight, addressing my anxiety, getting a lot done (1 module completed for my studies this year), and a new job is on the horizon.