I Was Thinking of You, You Cunt.

Dear xxx,

I was just thinking about what a cunt you are and then you messaged me.

I am writing you this letter with no intention of sending it. I want to write out these feelings so that I can get rid of the anger that I am holding onto, that is slipping away more each day, but still plagues me.

You’re walking away from this thinking you’ve done me such a service. I hate that you leave this relationship still thinking that you’re a better person and that you’re better than everyone else. That your “self development” has taken you to a place that you think you’re functioning at a higher level than most people. I hate that you came into my life with intentions that were not pure, but ironically, you thought (and think) you had only the best intentions for yourself and for me.

You controlled me. You tried to, anyway. Constantly asking how much money I’d saved, constantly coming over for the entire weekend and sleeping in my bed with me, until noon. So that I couldn’t make a single noise around my apartment in case I’d wake you up. You dictated when we’d have sex and when we wouldn’t. You dictated that we wouldn’t be in a relationship because you weren’t ready, but continued to pursue another girl. You dragged me into that relationship which I had and have nothing to do with and then got mad when I told you it had nothing to do with me (It doesn’t!) Don’t you dare walk out of this thinking I have one shred of good never mind romantic feelings for you. You disgust me. Everyone warned me about you. They saw through you and it took me six months to see it myself. You’re a user, always using my money, sleeping at my house and never letting me see yours, eating my food that I cook for you (while telling me you could of cooked it better yourself). Get fucked.

You think you’re some God on your high horse with these unattainable rules in order to be your friend. Threatening to end the friendship when something didn’t suit you. You think you can come into someones’  life, see them as a charity case (your words) yet, pretend you have utmost respect and or fond feelings for them. You think you’ve done so much self improvement, wanting to improve your relationships with people, yet two out of three of the closest people in your life have abandoned you. But, you still walk away with the feeling of service and satisfaction because of the “great things” you did for me and my life. Not fair and not accurate.

You are poison to my life. You were poison. I dreaded you making a mess and hanging at my house all weekend, but was too scared to confront conflict so I let it happen. Meanwhile, you walk around thinking you’ve “helped” me. I was a much better person before you came into my life. You caused me more anxiety than I had felt in months. You telling me how to act, what behaviour of mine you’ll “tolerate” and which you won’t.

You’re a manipulator, liar, user and you only added an intense amount of displeasure in my life. Don’t ever fucking tell me I’m a charity case, I can fucking take care of myself. You see me as this pathetic girl, I am a lot stronger than you know. I should of kicked you out of my life ages ago.

Fuck you for making empty promises (like a ticket to Sigur Ros). Thanks for not appreciating my gift (gifts!), which I thought was so thoughtful because it reflected something you had an interest in, but you never even opened the packaging. Your things around my apartment make me sick.

And PS, I HATED How to Win Friends and Influence People, what a fucking indoctrinating piece of shit book is that.

With love,
me.

My Ideal Day/Lifestyle.

This is what my ideal day and lifestyle would be:

 

Wake up at 7am. 

Leave for work at 7:40am.

Read 10 pages of something motivational at work.

Eat a healthy snack at 10:30am.

Lunch at 12 noon.

Eat a healthy snack at 2-3pm.

Go home at 4:40pm.

Go home, eat dinner and relax until 7pm.

Gym at 7pm until 8pm.

Come home to shower, washing, dishes etc.

Sleep at 10-10:30pm.

 

When applicable, a decent amount of studying for my PGCE.

Lesson preparation accordingly. 

Find My Way Back.

Can’t believe I haven’t written anything in over a month. It’s this reminder that I am slipping (or have slipped) into my old ways. I started a lifestyle change at the end of October 2012. It involved a lot more reading, writing, eating well and exercising. Thinking positively was just the way that my mind worked.

I started a new job in March and it’s nothing like my last job. I am so busy. And when I am not teaching, I am preparing. It seems like a constant frustration because my co teacher (Korean) constantly undermines and bugs me with unnecessary things. It leaves me feeling overwhelmed, annoyed and again, just frustrated. I feel uneasy a lot of the time. I feel like my life is on fast forward and I hate that.

I eat well all day, yet come home to eat bad food and snacks and because I am so busy at work, I want to sit down and not exercise. I used to have time in the morning at my last job to read 10 pages of something motivational every morning, and I really think that made a big difference. But, as a great friend told me tonight “If you want to be great, you have to act great”. I know that I can achieve my goals of weight loss, exercise, feeling inspired and happy but I am having SUCH difficulty getting back into all of those constructive and healthy patterns.

I know I need to make sacrifices and practice self control if I want to achieve my goals.I know that I could wake up 30 minutes earlier and get to work earlier, to settle in and read and to not feel so overwhelmed at work as well as being in a rush in the morning. It’s just a lack of dedication and motivation keeping me from all of this.

I visited a dietician last week and got a good meal plan but even that, I feel like I haven’t got the time nor in the right mind set to even sit down and read over and start it. Where is my motivation??!

I’ve also recently just ended a very poisonous friendship with a guy that I’d met at the beginning of the year. It’s the most complicated relationship I’d ever been in, which began with us sleeping together, then it turning into an adoration with cuddling and friendship. The quality of it declined majorly every day, and even though we kept fighting, we dragged it out. When he tried to call it quits, I wanted to talk about it – and a few days later I realized that I was only keeping him as a friend so I didn’t have to suffer non closure with him. When I thought about it, I was holding onto so much anger. It all clicked that I was in this friendship with a man that was never going to want me, that told me he saw me as a charity case because he thought my life was a mess and that he could help me! He controlled me and made me feel awful for a good 6 months. It took me some time, but I am proud of myself for ending it. For telling him it’s run it’s course. I feel this massive load off my shoulders and am proud of myself for it.

I recently read a quote that said “If you wake up with a positive thought, it will improve the rest of your day.” I woke up this morning, and couldn’t think of a thing. I know I should feel blessed to be alive but I even feel silly to think about that. I feel silly praying, too – even though I am a Christian. I feel lost again. I need to find my way back.

Option A,B,C.

As one does – I’ve had so much going on in my life as well as so many worries and concerns. I’ve wanted to sit down and write it all down for the last week, but my head has been cloudy and messy.

I’ve only been into my third one-year contract in Korea for two months and ordinarily I’d have more than enough time to decide whether or not I’d like to stay here for a fourth year. However, I’m currently studying my teaching degree with a South African University which requires me to do a 10 week practical back home. This has to be done next year, otherwise my 3 years of studying will become obsolete. This has caused such anxiety for me because working in Korea, the big intake is in March and again in September. My current contract expires in March and if I were to go out for 10 weeks, coming back would mean I’d have to find a new job as well as a LOT of red tape in a period that isn’t favourable for teachers to find jobs. My school has offered me the opportunity to not take any vacation nor sick days for my year contract, and go home 10 weeks early to do my practical, to come back and sign a second contract at my current school. I have been so indecisive about this. Mainly because there are so many pros and cons to both staying and going. I need to sit down and write these down, because for me – writing my worries out relieves me of my anxiety.

I’d considered option A (staying in Korea for a fourth year at the same school, without any vacation or sick days) or option B (continuing my contract as normal, with vacation and sick days and going home in March for good or finding a new job in Korea). However, I recently have decided on option C which is teaching English in Thailand.

So, here goes – pros and cons.

1. Option A: Staying in Korea for a fourth year without vacation/sick days:

Pros:

I do not have to worry about finding a new job.

I will have a job until I graduate with my teaching degree.

Benefits: good pay, keeping my apartment.

Cons:

I do not get any vacation or sick days, and I really want to travel this year.

I am not 100% happy at my current job. My co teacher is manipulative, bossy, sometimes difficult to work with and also does not think that I have the ability to do my own lesson plans or my own teaching style – which I hate and do not agree with.

2. Option B: Continuing my contract as normal, with vacation/sick days and going home for good.

Pros:

I get vacation/sick days.

I get to go home.

Cons:

Jobs are very difficult to find.

Money.

I do not have a drivers licence, place to stay.

My parents live far away from the city in a small town.

3. Option C: Continuing my contract as normal, coming home for 10 weeks and going to teach English in Thailand for 1 year starting May.

Pros:

I get vacation/sick days.

I get to go home for 10 weeks and do my practical and make it in time for the intake in May.

I get to live in a new country.

Cons:

I don’t make a lot of money in Thailand, so not much saving.

So, there we have it. I guess at this point, I am leaning towards C. I just really would appreciate some constructive advice or opinions. This is so typical me though, I always want the approval or opinion of others. I really need to work on this. I suppose this is a good time.