Fall.

Had you ever thought about why you love fall? The most amazing news to me is that the weather has cooled down and the leaves are changing colours every day into dazzling reds, oranges and eventually, brown. But had you thought about why you frolic in your beloved season? The fact that we find beauty in the leaves which are changing colours simply because they’re dying? And eventually, we’re left with a bare tree and cold weather which most of us can’t stand.

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Serenity Prayer.

“God,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference.”

I cannot change the behaviour of my co worker and the way that she reacts towards me. I can. however, always be friendly and polite, always do things to the best of my ability and always work hard.

I CANNOT CHANGE THE BEHAVIOUR OF OTHERS.

I can work on myself, change the things that I do not find desirable and take part in things that are constructive. I cannot change the past, I can only understand the past and accept it.

I can always do the best that I can and I cannot change the way that other people see me.

I can take this leap of faith and start my life elsewhere after my year contract.

I should not feel trapped and I should not hide.

I can embrace my body and change it should I feel necessary to do so.

Fluttering Eyes and Lips full of Life.

Her face was as pretty

As a diamond that sparkled different colours as it moved.

Her shimmering skin breathed life into those around her.

And her eyes fluttered quickly

As her reflection mimicked her on the window.

There was something about that smile, however.

Red lipstick perfectly covering all corners of her mouth.

Lips crooked and smooth.

But the shadows of her dark soul emitted through the smile of those

Red.

Righteous.

Lips.

Picture Perfect Princess.

With a outward demeanour of hope

Left nothing for ones’ body to desire.

Dreams.

I’ve started seeing an online therapist in hope to address my past and understand my behaviour. He’s told me to write down my dreams so that we can look at them together – so for the past week, I’ve been recording them. I have been dreaming every night since and remembering them the next day. I wake up and immediately write them down and realise that if I was not doing that, I would of never remembered them in the first place.

Doing this has made me feel slightly vulnerable. I had never really considered looking into my dreams as a way into my unconscious mind and what those dreams may be symbolising. I feel as though I am discovering a whole new side to myself as if my body is letting me in on a secret I did not know. I have found many recurring symbols which, too, has got me wondering. I’m happy to be exploring these dreams as well as everything else but it has left me feeling a little strange.

But, Life Goes On.

I wanted to write a little about what’s been going on inside my head for the last week. My mind has been so active that it’s been keeping me awake at night longer than usual. If it’s not scattered thoughts it’s just the repetition of songs that I haven’t even listen to for years. I don’t know why my mind has been so over-active lately (I thought i was taking pills for that?! joke).

I’m in a space right now where I need quiet. I want distance and given the fact that Korea has given me that from friends and family, physically, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed inside of my head and in social spaces. I deactivated all of my social networks – which includes my dating profiles because I felt like they were smothering me. I didn’t take an interest in any one else’ posts and most of it was just useless clutter to me. In this day in age, is it possible to be friends while not ~online friends~? I can think of only a handful of people that actually have an alternative contact method to reach me – and that’s okay.

I was watching a movie earlier today and one of the characters was a US soldier. I have seen it in real life, too, where they are so passionate about their job, loyal towards each other and not only about work, other areas of their life, too. It’s not coincidence that 95% of the guys I’ve been with have been douche bags. I obviously attract or go out looking for them – but could there just be another answer? I’ve heard so many men say that cumming “clears their head”. Is it possible that guys, no matter how kind-natured they may be, put sex and sexual satisfaction above any other need or quality? Almost morally OK to satisfy this need and then go back to their normal lives?

I’ve done plenty of thinking about all of this. I’ve gone from the first few days off feeling hopeless disgusted with myself, asking men I am friends if there is actually something wrong with me – to picking myself up a little bit and trying to enjoy simple pleasures. My phone no longer distracts me and I can lay down at night, breathing deeply (something that only alzams usually give me), and just living these days with a breathe-easy, slow-paced attitude.

I’m in a space where I wish I had a month off to own up to my past, work through things, become stronger and breathe. But, life goes on.