I Just Have To Do It Because It Makes Me Happy.

With a message to my best friend last night telling her I wished I was dead, I spent some time thinking about what it was that truly made me hate myself and not want to live. I have been neglecting my family, and I was confronted about it by my brother and my mother yesterday. It all just made me angry. I don’t want to talk about what’s been going on with me for the last three weeks – that I had been let down by someone ~special~ for the second time, lied to and left to analyze the fact that every man that enters my life in a special way, exits it in an extremely hurtful manner. My father, my two ex boyfriends who saw me as a fuck buddy, lied to me, ignored me and made me feel worthless and of course, my ~good~ friend that I had made at the beginning of this year who told me he saw me as a charity case. All of which leave to believe that I am an unlovable daughter, I am not worthy of affection or love, I am not worthy of the truth and I am so pathetic that any old Tom, Dick or Harry can see that within me and want to try and ~fix me~. 

After all of this crashed down on me, I knew the happiest that I had ever been was when I was losing weight at at the end of last year. I was 100% focused, I had drive, ambition. My literature and my motivational TV shows pushed me that much more but it was as if I didn’t even need that extra push. As I proclaimed to my friend today “I will go to the gym today.” after not having gone yesterday, it made me realize – it’s not ABOUT admitting I won’t go to gym, I will go to gym – it’s not even an option. I am going. Last year, the thought did not cross my mind to take the day off (besides Sunday). I went to work, I did my thing, I had time to write and read and be inspired and I took the bus to gym, end of discussion. I loved it, too. I had a great routine. Nothing could distract me then. I told myself I wouldn’t let a new male enter my life because I knew what that does to my emotions. Be it in friend form or otherwise, I accept any attention from men that I can get and I use that to determine how I feel about myself. 

It’s just about that time where I accept that my ex has lied to me for a second time (He said he was going to Afghanistan, but he didn’t – you have to be quite sick to lie about that), accept the fact that I admitted my true and vulnerable feelings to him when thinking he was going off to war, and having him do or say nothing back, to accepting that I am the only one who can lose this weight. I am the only one who can control this aspect of my life. 

It’s not a question anymore, I just have to do it because it makes me happy.

Lies.

I know I said I wouldn’t post about this again, but new information has shed some light. 

After admitting some strong feelings to my ex, who did not respond, I heard from him. After a 2 week conversation prior to any of this – I believed he was leaving for Afghanistan on July, 2nd and as it turns out – he’s hanging out nicely in USA. Whether he is going or not, I don’t know. 

As my friend said “You would have to be sick to lie about something like that.” That’s just it. I do feel sick having felt that way and admitted to feeling that way to him. I have just been fucked over by him for the second time.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

I don’t know how I feel, really. But it’s more frustration. I finally was able to say things that were hard to say before, as I have evolved so much in the last year but it was wasted on someone who has absolutely no regard for me, or probably any one else for that matter. It’s a bit unfair. 

I regret saying those things to him. I don’t regret saying those things.