How Much Longer Can I Do This?

Even though my problems seem so cliche I still feel as though no one really understands what it is I am having difficulty with. I suppose no one knows what to say or how to say what they really want to say or maybe they just don’t give a fuck. The girl that you see before you is able to roam the world leaving behind everyone and everything she knows. But when will I be able to change my mind set so that I don’t need people to understand me, I can understand myself?

I don’t know how to snap out of bad, upset, depressed or anxious moods. I’ve spent all weekend in bed, curtains drawn because I feel cheated and defeated. I’ve just started a new job as a High School English teacher. I came to England almost four months ago and I got this job via an agency who told me that the school was a “good school”. After seeing the behaviour of the students, lack of discipline and feeling like I am actually not even teaching but rather babysitting – I did some research of my own.The report indicates that this school is not, in fact, a “good school” and that the only thing they actually achieve a high ranking for, is the number of children with special educational needs. This was never told to me. In fact, I didn’t know that a report like this even existed until I started working there. Why hadn’t any one told me?

My job makes me feel frustrated and upset. I see some fantastic students sitting there, books out and ready to learn but the rest of the students make it impossible for me to even try attempt a lesson. They’re being robbed of their education and my studying has almost gone to waste. The behaviour is atrocious. This is not what I know to be an education.

I don’t know how much longer I can do this. This whole thing has gotten me really upset.

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Beast Within. 

I’m beginning to think that I may not be able to be happy anywhere and that scares the shit out of me.

There’s something screaming and yearning inside of me. It’s something that’s been there for a long time and I still haven’t found that one thing that quiets the beast within.