I don’t have enough power within me to
Exhale the smoke from my mouth.
This is what you
Do to me.
And the chaotic busyness
In my stomach is
It’s the feeling of something or
Digging their way down deeper and
Awkwardly trying to get to the
Where I feel just as
Empty as a vase full of
Desperately trying to
Suck in water that would give it
I should have known when you persisted to call me by my childhood name that this was not going to go anywhere profound. I’m not that person anymore (or at least I’d like to think so). Something keeps pulling me back though. It was as if you know that I would be taken back to that negative train of thought and hatred for myself.
Just when I thought my life couldn’t get any better. When I thought I had figured out the secret to living a happy life – everything came crashing down. I am back to the place where I know that life isn’t about being happy, it’s about continuously searching for more.
I know that people will do anything to win or gain the upper hand. They don’t care about you or your feelings. They care about themselves because people are selfish assholes. In the process, I’ve lost my voice. Everyone is always stealing my voice so that I fade away so easily in the crowd. I’m not even a face that stands out, I’m the person in black that is hardly recognisable in the shadow.
I’m tired of hearing the same things from you though. “You deserve more” “everyone goes through it”. It’s something you say because you really don’t have the balls to say out loud what’s been going through my mind from the time that I could process meaningful thoughts.
Here’s my voice, here are my thoughts, this is what I am saying – don’t edit me, don’t change it and don’t misconstrue it. This is me.
Before January gets away from me – I wanted to express the weird feeling that I have right now – it’s happiness. This is so strange for me – for the first time in my life I absolutely love my job and it’s made the world of different to my life.
After teaching in the UK for four months – and being utterly miserable the entire time, I thought maybe I was stuck in this career. I took a shot and have now got a new job as a writer in London. This is what I have always wanted!
This is such a great feeling.
Today was really something spectacular.
I’ve just come home from a holiday at my brothers place – not far from here, but a short plane ride away. It was a well-needed time off but along with any family gatherings, there’s of course irritations and annoyances. Either way, I can honestly say that I was taken care of for a solid ten days and I was very grateful for that.
Whilst on the train home from the airport – I sat and I smiled. Perhaps I should give you the backstory to this smile. I recently applied for a writing position as I have been in and out of work at different high schools around England and this profession is turning me into a bitter woman who hates every minute of her job. That’s not why I moved here. In fact, I moved her almost for the sole reason to find a job that I love. Anyway, as I was applying for different teaching roles, I thought – why the hell couldn’t I be applying for a writing position? I have a degree in English and tons of writing experience, albeit non-professional, but still. I sent out my CV to some companies, thinking not much of it. I was asked in for an interview for a well-known company in London. I went for the interview almost two weeks ago, after which I was asked to write a few pieces for one of their less popular websites – sort of a trial/test. Yesterday, I was given back amazing feedback by a few members of the company and was offered the job.
I thought about how all of this began – not this being my job application, but me turning into a passionate person. I’ve always loved to write – but for a good few years, the light inside me was out and I stopped caring about things. It was only in 2012, when I started this blog, that I re-realised my passion for writing. Thinking back, what was it that re-lit that fire within me? That made me sit down and actually write and keep up the writing, to start my book and to then further my passions into photography and film? Well, and as oddly as this sounds – I feel as though I owe all of this to that one douche bag who I dated in 2012 that made me so heartbroken that I actually started this blog. I wonder if I would of ever sat down to start it under any other circumstances? And although I still feel fucked up and bad and weird feelings for that guy – I am here now, over three years of blogging, an almost complete book and a career in the industry that I love. I also felt as though I owed some of this success to my weight. As I am coining in and talking about my experience of being overweight and the humour – I almost feel as though my body is something to be proud of. It’s one of the reasons I am sitting with something to show for my life. And thirdly, I owe it to Korea. For changing and moulding me into a brand new, spirit-awakened person.
Thank you, universe. It’s my time to shine.
This place has swallowed me whole.
My head is bopping in pools of water.
I can’t write anything decent.
I’ll take Xanax and masterbate.
“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.” – Perks of Being a Wallflower.
This quote oddly sums up how I’ve been feeling my entire life.
I haven’t been on here for a while. Things at work are so much better. I’m feeling so good about the fact that I could have that awkward talk with a co worker, which, ultimately, changed the entire course of my job. Feeling productive at work has really transcended into my personal and social life.
I’ve finally started writing more of my book and I’m super amped about the new direction that it’s taking. My new medication has eliminated every ounce of anxiety from my life and it feels amazing. It still, somehow, feels exhausting being me.
I haven’t been writing because I can’t find any quiet space in my mind to do so. I feel like time is sprinting and each day is done before I can even bat an eyelid. I sit at my desk with my eyes half closed and before I know it, I’m in bed desperately trying to fall asleep. “Why do you want to fall asleep?” I ask myself. If the day is racing past you and you feel like within an inch of yourself, you’ll be dead, why waste it being asleep when you can finally appreciate the time when you’re alone and comfortable, ideally anxiety-free but realistically, not. Do I love what I do? Why do I cross off the days? Waiting for the next big thing to happen. That which means zooming through the next few days or months to get there. I feel like the anxiety and my feeling of being overwhelmed has caged me. I am ready to sit and scream and sit again for another few weeks, alone, to find the calmness of my mind. The calmness is gone. Life is about money and moving from place to place to get it. I can’t focus. I can’t find the space to enjoy my free time. Why is my head so cloudy? Why am I always tired? I’ve neglected important things because of lack of time and lack of clear head.