My MacBook took a dive and instead of panicking, cursing and complaining to everyone I knew – I calmly contacted a computer guy, packed up the machine and sent it off the next day. My life is calm. I am noticing changes everyday. I can see how these antidepressants are saving me. I no longer make my compulsive lists and worry excessively. I realised that it was the OCD fuelling the anxiety and vice versa.
I’ve set up shop, once again, in South Korea. I landed a few days ago and am still jet lagged but extremely grateful for my experience at home as well as feeling super optimistic about the year ahead.
Today is weigh day (Weight Watchers) and after a week that was slightly different to the rest (more bread, more red meat and just in general a different eating schedule), I was afraid I would put on weight.
I instead stayed the same. I was quite pleased, seeing as I had already lost 6.2kg in the last month. This upcoming week is school holidays (again!) and that means more changes in routine.
Well, I’ve been wanting to write for an entire week but have never quite found the quiet time to do it. Seems life is a bit chaotic – although, I always say that. It seems even the smallest tasks make me feel overwhelmed. On that note, that’s the main topic I wanted to write about.
Yes, I have failed myself again. I get into beast mode and it’s like temporary insanity with food and sleeping. It used to be less and far spread, but now it’s as if 80% of my life is spent this way. I’m having trouble sleeping at night because I am leaving Korea in two weeks and my anxiety is through the roof.
I’ve been overweight my entire life. I had never felt comfortable in my own skin, up until the end of 2012. I had lost 16 kilograms and, although I have still never been what society deems thin, I realised tonight that it’s not at all about what society, friends, family or anyone else, thinks. My mind is wafting back to when I was that -16kg and how I felt. I felt happy, proud, excited. I could walk around with my head high knowing that I looked better and I felt better about the way I looked.
It’s the last day of 2013. I went to bed last night and woke up today with a sense of happiness and hope. I’m glad we’re leaving behind this year. I am glad that, this time tomorrow, I can say that my life will be changing “this year” – I’ll be traveling, going home and starting a new job surrounded by friends and family. Some days, I want to hide in Korea.