Write

I move my cursor to the top right of my screen…”write“, it says. I click on it as it’s too enticing not to.

It’s Sunday and for the first time in months, I haven’t got any work to do. It’s weird. I love my job. I am writer. It sounds so lovely to say even lovelier to say out loud. I work seven days a week. I told myself today would be all about reading poetry and relaxing, but in all honesty—I am so fucking bored.

I did read poetry, dark poetry—Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur. Her poetry is so simple, like anyone could have written it. But at the same time, it has an effect on me. Her words don’t need to be deciphered, twisted, and analysed like the long and strange poetry we were forced to read in high school. They’re straightforward, and true. Perhaps that is why they have an effect on me… that and her brave account of how badly men have treated her.

I’m home in South Africa for now, and I have almost no stress at all. It’s weird. I sit beside the ocean and write. I hear the stillness of the night, I breathe fresh air, I feel the sun on my skin. I feel reality. It’s now my business to know what everyone is getting up to in their lives—and while I couldn’t really care, it’s sometimes nice.

These are my thoughts as the day—and week—come to a close.

Have a happy week, everyone.

x

All On My Own.

Today is weigh day (Weight Watchers) and after a week that was slightly different to the rest (more bread, more red meat and just in general a different eating schedule), I was afraid I would put on weight. I instead stayed the same. I was quite pleased, seeing as I had already lost 6.2kg in the last month. This upcoming week is school holidays (again!) and that means more changes in routine.

I’ve started my second teaching practical and it happens to be at my old High School. I seem to be more and more disappointed as the teachers really don’t want any part of student teaching (the shadowing, teaching of their classes). I feel like a big bother to my “mentor” and the faculty in general. My previous school was so accommodating it almost puts this school to shame. I’m doing my bare minimum and I’m leaving early, because they’ve scheduled only 2 observations a day for me. I want to have as little contact with this mentor as possible because she is unfriendly and does not want to engage with me at all – even though she is only a year older than me and we went to the same school.

In general, though – I still feel great. Weekends spent at home are wonderful. I spent three nights in a row going down to the beach to see the sunset which is breathtaking every night (see my previous post for photos). I’ve been offered a job in Korea and I’ll be going back to the small town I lived in in my second year. The place where everything started, this blog included. I experienced many firsts there – my first boyfriend, my first heartache, my first realisation that I needed to change my life, my first gym experience and probably the happiest I’d ever been. That’s not to say the first few months were hell. Prior to all of these experiences, I did not have any friends and I was not well liked. It was a blessing that I become comfortable with myself and enjoy my own company. I am my own best friend. Going back there does not scare me. It excites me. I realised, being in the big city for the last year, that my heart belongs in a small city. I thrived there, and I only associate good things with that place.

I’ve started reading The Gift of Imperfection, and it’s probably also the kind of literature I need in my life. The author, Brene Brown, is also a reason why I changed my life – after watching The Power of Vulnerability on TED Talks. I remember reading at least 10 pages a day of an inspirational book before. It helped me stay motivated. I’ve also been writing a lot more since I have been home.

Two nights ago, I lay in bed, said a prayer and had a thought that I had not had since 2012 when I dated a guy who made me feel like a princess – “The colour is back in my life.” I didn’t think I could achieve that feeling without the love, lust or approval of a man – but here I am, all on my own.

Feeling Disgusting.

I’ve had swollen glands for a week now. I spent the first half of the week feeling nauseous, dizzy, in pain and found it difficult to eat, swallow and speak. I went to the doctor and got prescribed antibiotics for 3 days, which ended on Wednesday. I suddenly felt better on Wednesday. Thursday was a holiday, and my friend came to visit. It ended up an all-nighter, until sun rise and needless to say, I am back to swollen, sore glands. Anyway, today (Friday) was the first full day I worked this week. My Korean co teacher has been so wonderful, and lead all of the classes today. I’m thankful it’s Friday but at the same time, I feel some weird emotions.

I’m back in the space where I want people to leave me alone. I am sick of people. It’s amazing how one or several people can influence your life so drastically. No matter what they’re intentions really are, you’re affected. I just don’t feel like it right now. Yet, I suddenly feel depressed and lonely. I feel unlovable tonight. Maybe I am just sick of feeling sore.

I’ve made a pact with my friend in New Zealand and we’re back on our great lifestyle changes from Monday. We agreed to email each other daily and stay accountable to one another with what we’re eating, exercise and how we’re feeling. I think we both need the motivation, too. I am looking forward to it. I’ve just got The Secret to read, and that will accompany my changes. It’s time to get back in the good space I was in last year and continue to lose this weight. I am feeling disgusting.

Have a safe and blessed weekend, all. xx

Before and After.

I found myself having a little cry earlier. It’s finally Saturday and even though I am loving the fact that my life has become a lot fuller, with reading, writing, learning, exercising and focusing on healthy eating as well as work – I am glad I have the day to take it down a notch.

As I lay in bed, it was 1 o’ clock in the afternoon. I had my iPod on and imagined the life that I want for myself. The life that I am succeeding in creating for myself. I cried because I realized that this has been the best year of my life and that I have so much to be proud of myself for. I felt that my change and transformation began just five and a half weeks ago – but it didn’t. It began when I first came to Korea, in February 2011 and even more so at the beginning of March this year.

Before coming to Korea, I was studying a BA in English and Psychology. Prior to that, I was studying Educational Psychology – a course that only 20 students get accepted to. I was very blessed to have been accepted. However, I ruined that opportunity. I regret it yet know that there is still a chance that I can get to my goal. I have had a fear of public speaking for a very long time. The thought of doing a 6 week practical at a school made me so anxious that I changed my course at the beginning of the second year (the year we would start the practical). My passion has always been to help others – Educational Psychology had been a dream of mine, and I let it go for one simple reason. With a smile on my face, I boldly admit that I have been teaching students for almost two years now, as a career. I am studying part-time a course that requires me to do that very same practical I feared years ago, and I am so ready for it.

In March of this year, I had just gone home for a visit and returned back to Korea for second year, at a new school and a new town. I was pretty set on establishing a new kind of relationship with a man, one that didn’t involve a one night stand. I established two great relationships this year – something that I was scared to death about, for reasons not previously mentioned. I overcame that hurdle and learnt a lot about myself and life through it.

I look at my life before Korea, and I see a girl that was destructive, drinking three or more times a week to a point where she would black out and sleep with random men. I see someone who didn’t know anything about commitment, setting goals, having any responsibility, who lived for the next party, who had no fire or passion and who slept until noon every day. Most days, I wouldn’t get dressed. Granted, I was studying and even though I never went to class, I still graduated just fine. I was afraid to get a job because I had never felt I could do anything right. I was petrified to even get a job as a waitress, as my brother had always put me down every time I tried to do something. I felt that I couldn’t even get an order right. My first year in Korea resembled that slightly in that I still lived for a party, I still went out with destructive behaviour, who slept until noon – because my job allowed me, I didn’t have any goals, I hadn’t experienced an array of emotions or learnt many life lessons and although I had learnt responsibility, I lacked passion and any zest for life.

I am so proud to admit, that even though I’ve had an emotion-full year – the heartache and the like and love and other weird crazy emotions that I felt – I don’t regret a single one. I started studying this year again, I get a healthy amount of sleep, I have goals, I’ve re-discovered my passion for writing, I have a hunger to learn more, to be inspired. If I look at my life now, I drink once a week or every two weeks, I’ve slept with 8 men this year, and although that amount is high, it’s nothing compared to my disgruntled past. I’ve found a new respect for my body to treat it well and to take care of it with good skin products, exercise and eating well. My weekend now, including watching shows and going to bed at a decent time on Friday, sleeping in on Saturday with gym later and relaxing on Sunday where as before, it would be an alcohol and drug-fueled Friday and Saturday – blacking out, sleeping around both nights, feeling terrible both Saturday and Sunday – sometimes drinking on a Sunday, too. Eating terribly and sleeping a lot.

It’s a sight for sore eyes. The above information makes me teary, I am well on my way to being the person that I want to become. I know that Korea is the only place in the world I need to be right now.

Personal Goals

Now that I’ve taken an active step in trying to transform my life and be the best person that I can be, I thought I would write them down (being a compulsive list-maker and anxiety-ridden, I like to write things down so it is clear, concise and not a jumble of mess in my head):

– I have begun reading a minimum of 10 pages a day of an inspirational book, and I have been watching inspirational and encouraging videos.

– I have written down affirmations.

– I wake up and go to bed earlier, and do not nap or fall asleep before bedtime.

– I have changed my eating habits by using HerbaLife and eating salads, fruits and vegetables, fat free milk, granola bars, yogurt and chicken breasts and also drinking 2 litres of water a day.

– In any opportunity, I try and be more active. I haven’t begun an exercise programme yet.

I know that there are a few more personal goals that I can start working on:

– I’d like to do more cultural activities -going to museums, palaces and other beautiful places that give me an opportunity to take photographs.

– I’ve stopped smoking during the week, and could further extend that by giving up altogether. I think that I smoke out of nervousness and anxiety and think that that is more the addictive force, rather than smoking itself.

– I could drink less and spend a weekend traveling around Korea instead of one night a week of drinking, and feeling tired the next day.

I think, should I work on those goals, I could live a well-rounded life and be in a better mental and physical state.