I don’t have enough power within me to
Exhale the smoke from my mouth.
This is what you
Do to me.
And the chaotic busyness
In my stomach is
It’s the feeling of something or
Digging their way down deeper and
Awkwardly trying to get to the
Where I feel just as
Empty as a vase full of
Desperately trying to
Suck in water that would give it
Dear 25 year old me,
I know you were unable to let go of the past. I know you had an undertone of sadness even during the most exciting times of your life, but the truth is – your exciting times were not exactly the healthiest choicest. You pretended that you did not know why you were upset, why you are afraid to let yourself go and just be you, but you always knew it was your weight holding you back. You felt like a failure in a lot of your life, and giving up, more than once, on your journey to becoming thin and healthy made you feel inadequate again. I know you think you will never be thin, happy, successful, and in love but you will. You have it in you to achieve absolutely everything you ever wanted. You miss your family, being so far away in South Korea, but you will know that that was the best place for you to grow, be the independent person that you always have been but never given the opportunity to show. Life does feel better when you are happy with who you are and what you look like. You just need to prioritize and remember what it was like to work hard. You will be happy and you will always be loved, work on and respect yourself so you are the best possible version.
Don’t regret anything. The bad choices you made and the bad things that happened to you, happened for a reason. It allowed you to see how much you can grow and how much love you can actually have for yourself. Don’t regret it. Don’t over analyse everything. You are not a quitter. You can stick to something, and you can do anything and everything.
Of late, I’ve been in a bad place. Things seem too much for me, and my anxiety and self-criticism is spinning way out of control. Due to recent events, I’ve had a hard look at myself. I wonder if I am truly happy, if I am truly enjoying my own company but at the same time, realizing that people in my life are very quickly turning away from me.
After all of this, it made me think. We do have high expectations of people and the truth is – we shouldn’t have any expectations at all. With the treatment I’ve been given lately – why should I have even a hint of great expectation? But how is that fair, when I am the one going out of my way to help anyone (even strangers)?
The point I am trying to make here is – what is life about? Dog eat dog? Every man for himself? What is friendship and how can anything even be meaningful if people don’t have enough time in a day or week to talk to those they love, miss or care for? What are we actually doing here.