Sitting at my newly assembled desk from Amazon, that an ex helped me build two days ago (I say helped, I didn’t really do much at all) listening to my “writing music”. The music I used to put on and listen to through my headphones in Korea when the world seemed like a chaotic mess of people talking a language I didn’t understand. Somehow, it annoyed me. I hated hearing the different intonations. I hated that I understood some of it and for that reason, couldn’t block it out but instead trying to configure what they were saying all of the time. I though the world would be much better surrounded by a language you did understand.
After almost three weeks, I am finally in a place that I can call ‘home’ … until July 6th.
I moved to England on June, 1st and it’s been one hell of a rollercoaster. It’s the hardest career/life move that I have ever had to do. Some might argue how that could possibly be – in Korea, everything is handed to you. Yes, you don’t understand the language or the culture but you arrive there with a job and an apartment (that your school pays for) and you earn a cushy salary.
Long story short – I was tired of being unhappy and letting everyone else dictate to me how I should feel and how to be treated so I decided to up and leave. One month prior to my new work contract, I told my work I couldn’t stay on.
I don’t like the fluctuations in my mental state, but maybe it’s just normal? I don’t really notice how happy I was until I suddenly feel like an empty vessel. At this very moment, it’s very difficult for me to articulate my feelings. Things are going very well for me. I have just finished my very last exam for my postgraduate Education, I have a pending book publishing, the weather is cool and I have just started seeing someone.
Something feels like dye in water, poisoning my mind that hasn’t been this healthy in some time. Two things on the heart. I’ve said it before and with time, unfortunately, it doesn’t stop – neither does the over analysing.
It’s been a hot minute since I’ve felt as exhausted as I have this week. Everything’s changed. I think the last time I blogged was when I had just arrived back in Korea from my holiday in Thailand (about two weeks ago). After that return flight (20 hours), I was out of it for a day or two.
Yes, I have failed myself again. I get into beast mode and it’s like temporary insanity with food and sleeping. It used to be less and far spread, but now it’s as if 80% of my life is spent this way. I’m having trouble sleeping at night because I am leaving Korea in two weeks and my anxiety is through the roof.