Write

I move my cursor to the top right of my screen…”write“, it says. I click on it as it’s too enticing not to.

It’s Sunday and for the first time in months, I haven’t got any work to do. It’s weird. I love my job. I am writer. It sounds so lovely to say even lovelier to say out loud. I work seven days a week. I told myself today would be all about reading poetry and relaxing, but in all honesty—I am so fucking bored.

I did read poetry, dark poetry—Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur. Her poetry is so simple, like anyone could have written it. But at the same time, it has an effect on me. Her words don’t need to be deciphered, twisted, and analysed like the long and strange poetry we were forced to read in high school. They’re straightforward, and true. Perhaps that is why they have an effect on me… that and her brave account of how badly men have treated her.

I’m home in South Africa for now, and I have almost no stress at all. It’s weird. I sit beside the ocean and write. I hear the stillness of the night, I breathe fresh air, I feel the sun on my skin. I feel reality. It’s now my business to know what everyone is getting up to in their lives—and while I couldn’t really care, it’s sometimes nice.

These are my thoughts as the day—and week—come to a close.

Have a happy week, everyone.

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Couldn’t be Happier

I won’t lie – the OCD in me makes sure that I post on this blog at least once a month so that I can keep up my months in the archive list. I have missed one month, somewhere along the line, but I’m just pretending that didn’t happen.

It’s February! And after much uncertainty, I am still at my writing job in London and I am still absolutely thriving and loving it. It makes such a difference to your life when you love what you do.

I really do love that people are still reaching out to me about their worries and or concerns about moving to Korea in terms of their weight, and I am always happy to help out when possible – so keep the messages coming.

Things really are just great at the moment. I have nothing to complain about and if you know me, you’ll know that’s rare. It’s liberating to not be angry, annoyed or upset every day.

I still sometimes pinch myself to see if this is all a dream, but it’s not. I’ve made it. I couldn’t be happier with my life.

Everything Happens for a Reason.

As my beautiful journey back home is almost reaching an end, I’ve found myself bursting with happiness. The last two days have happened for a reason. I was leaving work and the security guard stopped me. “Aren’t you a past pupil at this school?” he asked. “Yes, I replied.” After 9 years, he remembered me. Irrespective, we spoke for a bit. He asked me what I had been doing since High School and I told him I studied further and went to South Korea for 3 years. Now, I am finishing my teaching degree. He told me about the every day struggles that he and many other South Africans face, pointed out the fact that I am very lucky to have had the opportunity to study, travel, make money and be safe. He was right. Reminding me to thank God for this fact, we said goodbye.

Today, a guy came to talk to the students about drugs. He finished school a year before I did. When he announced his name, I was certain that I recognised him. His speech was utterly inspiring, shocking and wow! It made me feel weird afterwards, for a while. He stressed the fact that it only takes one choice/a split second to change your life. Be it, that split second that you decide to drive home drunk or anything else. After the talk, I went to chat to him and yes, it turns out, I did used to drink heavily with his circle of friends when we were about 14.

Sitting here, I am made aware of the people, some acquaintances and some best friends, that I surrounded or surround myself with. People that I grew up with, joined in with their shenanigans – yet, I didn’t go down the road to hell which they endured. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. He is now a motivational speaker and perhaps, that was his calling.

Going on about these two events, it’s as if the universe is sending me signs to be grateful for my life. This time at home has been magical. I have never felt as close to my family as I do now. I have never walked around my childhood city and thought “I am so privileged to see the mountain everyday.” or to see the stars at night, to hear the birds sing, to see a rainbow. Seeing Table Mountain on almost every drive.

Just like fear overcame me before coming home, so it is starting to creep its way back again. This time, I am afraid this happiness will disappear when I arrive back in Korea.

A Changed South Africa.

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve felt as exhausted as I have this week. Everything’s changed. I think the last time I blogged was when I had just arrived back in Korea from my holiday in Thailand (about two weeks ago). After that return flight (20 hours), I was out of it for a day or two. But, I was only left with two/three days to pack up my life in Korea and head back to South Africa (20+ hours). Upon my arrival, it had been under one week, 40+ hours of flying and four countries. Yes, I was a zombie. What helped me immensely was the Xanax I got without a prescription in Thailand.

Let me start with Thailand – arriving there at 8pm at night, my hotel was about three minutes away from Bangla Road and as you can imagine, it was chaotic. I was tired, it was hot and my hotel was on the fifth floor, without an elevator. I was not happy. I had thought that things would of been better if I had of saved all that money and just stayed in Korea. However, I am so pleased to say that it turned out to be probably the best holidays I have ever had. I only spent three full days there, but I did everything I wanted to – played with the tigers, shot my first gun, did a day trip to Phi Phi Island by speed boat and met an Indian man who was at least 65 years old, now living in the UK, and it turns out, the odd combo that it was, that he was a lot of fun. I saw the bluest ocean, and felt the sun on my body for the first time in months. I saw Patong Beach, went out in Bangla Road and, of course, felt up a tranny. I spent about 3 hours in the spa every day – full body massages, manis, pedis – you name it. And on my last night, I met a sexy Italian who drove me around the island on his scooter and then we slept together at my hotel. It was so sassy.

Back in Korea, I spent my last few days sleeping, shopping and eating. I said about three goodbyes.

I arrived back in South Africa on Tuesday late afternoon, and I can honestly say that, since then, I have not stopped. I’ve been waking up every morning around 5am and every day included driving at least 45 minutes to do some kind of admin (renewing passport, booking a learners test) etc, and shopping for appropriate clothes for my teaching practical. When Friday came around, I just about had a panic attack, in tears, on my floor. But, I packed up my heavy suitcase once again, and left for my friends’ families house, over an hour away, because it is close to the schools. So, here I am staying for about three months while I am doing my teaching.

I arrived here last Friday, and immediately I was off again to my best friend of 20 years’ braai (South African BBQ). I slept there, and it was relatively relaxed. The Saturday, we went out. I was absolutely shattered on the Sunday, leaving me finally to feel the nerves of the upcoming practical. I spent the Sunday feeling regretful, sad and crying.

Monday came around and I started teaching at a private all girls school. I have just finished my first week there, and the school is amazing. The girls are so respectful, and the staff really treat you like one of the team. I have four more weeks teaching there, before I move onto a co ed school.

I have been overwhelmed, yes. Today, I finally got some time for a nap and I do feel better. My sleeping pattern is completely out of sync, but that is expected when I went from 40 hours of traveling, to a full time job in less than a week of arrival. I feel conflicted and I don’t know if I am happy. I hate that, but I’ve felt it for a while. I see the beauty of my country, but I see the faults, too. I see my country in a way that I’ve never seen it before. I spent the first 22 years of my life here, not knowing a thing about the world and thinking that this is how it was everywhere. I didn’t work and I had to work hard or commit to anything. Living here, with a job and having to use public transport – wow, different way of life.

The guy I had been seeing basically called me (and himself) out on our bullshit when I admitted that Korea was such an easy way of life. He likes the challenge and ambition, and doesn’t want to get stuck in a rut in Korea. When I admitted to going back in June (I got a job), he told me to stick it out in South Africa and make it work here. It’s what I had been thinking all along, but did not want to say out loud. It was something I was waiting for someone to mention, and he did. Almost running away or escaping hard, real life for an easy way of living with no effort and lots of money. But sometimes I think “who doesn’t want to live easy?” I am conflicted.

So, I have finally had a day time nap, and I feel a more energised at this hour than I have since being back in the country.

I’m considering visiting my family doctor about my anxiety, but the thought of it gives me anxiety!

I hope to blog more. My life has changed drastically in the last week or two, and I do want to share with you. I have plans to visit Weight Watchers with my friends mom as from this week. I feel this is a good and concrete space to begin a lifestyle change for myself, and improve my quality of life.

My Short Term Goals.

It’s the last day of 2013. I went to bed last night and woke up today with a sense of happiness and hope. I’m glad we’re leaving behind this year. I am glad that, this time tomorrow, I can say that my life will be changing “this year” – I’ll be traveling, going home and starting a new job surrounded by friends and family. Some days, I want to hide in Korea. Especially lately, when I’ve realized that I’ve put on 10 of the 16 kilos that I’d lost. But, I’d decided to take a head start on 2014, trying to lessen my calorie intake and try beat the food addiction with a stick (fast food!). Granted, it’s attempt 976, but – now is a better time than ever to make some short term goals for myself.

I want to lose 10 kilos before March, 3rd.

I want to successfully finish my postgraduate in Education in 2014.

I want to spend and save money wisely.

I want to stop being so needy, stop being so available to men who usually don’t appreciate it. (I will bend over backwards for someone who might show interest in me – giving and giving and I’m left with nothing, empty.)

I want to obsess less, especially with my phone. Waiting for messages, double checking if said person had read my reply.

Have a tremendous New Years Eve – be safe, take care and I hope we all have a healthier and happier 2014.