I don’t have enough power within me to
Exhale the smoke from my mouth.
This is what you
Do to me.
And the chaotic busyness
In my stomach is
It’s the feeling of something or
Digging their way down deeper and
Awkwardly trying to get to the
Where I feel just as
Empty as a vase full of
Desperately trying to
Suck in water that would give it
I feel like a second class human being today. Not too long ago, I spent a good few months taking time to take care of myself and not allowing people into my life, because of my fear of getting hurt. I feel strongly that I should consider doing it again. I’m tired of feeling too much, thinking too much, drinking too much, fucking up too much and I’m tired of people who essentially have no regard for others. I’m tired of the way people treat each other every day, myself included. I hate the way that most humans can be and are cruel. I hate that all good deeds go unnoticed with the drop of a hat.
When do I get my turn to have sunshine in my life?
I’ve been battling with something for the past week, and I feel like it’s just poisoning my mind. I want to be grateful and proud of what I have achieved so far – a change in attitude, in health and activities and I constantly tell myself I can control my own thoughts, but there are two people who, of late, will not stop entering my mind.
I wrote a post about meeting the guy I had been seeing earlier this year for lunch because he was leaving Korea. It was a fabulous lunch, and we both had a great time talking and laughing. His flight got delayed and he messaged me last weekend. We met up again, for a night out. Before arriving, I had wondered if something would happen and yes – I did initiate it. It did happen. I had a really great night, but I was left with him in my mind for two days. After that, over analyzing everything he did (or didn’t do). The goodbye lunch we had just two weeks ago left me with absolute feelings of closure and happiness but now I think I’ve gone and fucked that up.
To add to this, a girl I know told me on Friday that my ex was now seeing someone else. After the horrific way in which he left me and even after all of the progress I’d made – I found myself thinking about him a lot this weekend. I don’t look back with fond memories. I am not sad or depressed. I am mad that he has gone with his fake charming ways, worming his way into someone else’ life and being that huge snake that I only knew he was at the end of our relationship. It makes me sick that he’s now acting in that same manner with someone else. I couldn’t stop thinking about him with someone else and the things he’d say to her and what they’d do. Although I KNOW he is no good (for me), it still hurts.
I feel like my mind is polluted again with bad thoughts. The two relationships I’ve had this year are like garbage in my mind. I thought I’d moved past all of the hurt with both of them, and it seems to have crept back in. Is that what I get for using another person to take away the heartache of my first relationship?
I’ve set myself some goals where I don’t date anyone until I reach a certain weight. It’s going to be a big test of self control and I know I will only benefit from it, this is MY time to shine but Lord I need some strength to get these two out of my head and take the first step in controlling my life and thoughts.
Someone I know passed away today. My friend called me in tears, telling me the news. I didn’t know him well, but it really sparked an emotion within me. I have been fortunate to not have anyone close to me die, but it still shatters me to hear something like this.
Having heard this news made me think a lot about something that I said recently. Something I have said more than once. I had been done a wrong, and I had been hurt really badly. I’m still hurting and I said nasty things. I wish death upon someone in quite an inhumane way and I think I actually wanted it to happen. I find myself sitting here asking for forgiveness. I feel awful for having said those things. Regardless of what was done to me, it was horrible and unacceptable for me to say those things – to myself or to others. I guess I’ve realized that, whether this person feels bad about what happened or not, I forgive what happened and I do only wish the best for said person. It’s hard to say that, and I would be lying if I said I meant it 100% but I am working on it. It hurts, I am still so sore from hurting.
I guess I just want to ask God for forgiveness for these impure and evil thoughts that I have thought and said out loud. I’m sorry, please forgive me.