Sun Rise, Bunker del Carmel Barcelona

I am in need of guidance. While compulsively snapshotting the amazing view of Barcelona, I took a moment to sit quietly, look out and pray. I need something bigger than me to give me the answers. I hope that I find what I am looking for soon.

 

Sick of Living.

I thought to myself “I hate that I have to reply to e-mails, I hate that I am asked to do things, I hate that I have to worry about whether I have enough food in my fridge and that I have to go to the shops. I hate that I have to get up and go to work.”  I want to go home to my country but lately, I don’t want to go home. And then it just hit me, that I am so sick of living. Am I that sour that I hate having friends? I hate being asked to do things because I am set up in the situation where I have to, again, say no. I hate social situations and if it were up to me, I’d be married and spend all of my time with one person that loves me romantically. Am I that bitter that I don’t care what anyone else thinks besides the opposite sex? And I’ve just given up hope with men as it is. The little optimism I used to carry is now completely depleted. I used to hold onto a thought that someone may want me, but at this stage – I am no longer waiting by the phone for his message that he suddenly wants to have 50 thousand of my babies and I know that the only time I may get is during the week when everyone else is busy. I don’t even care about it anymore. I lost hope in myself, I’ve put on a few kilograms that have shown up in my face and I am embarrassed to see myself and to be seen. I’ve just lost feelings of pleasure and happiness.

Life, Love and Beauty.

I want to know what type of girl you think I am? Do you think I am hard and easy-going? I want you to know that my past is not something I am proud of. I want you to know that I’ve battled hard and wished for a life that was different. To know that I am emotionally raw and this is all new to me. That I wished for better life choices, but have failed in executing it. That my heart is big and warm and craves only one. That, in my words I feel limited except for when they’re written or thought up in my messy head. That it’s hard for me to let things or people go. I can’t forgive myself for things that have happened – that one thing that happened, but I’ve tried to live as best I could. I’m nervous, anxious and shy and it’s that which makes people believe that I’m lacking passion and drive. I see beauty in things ordinary people don’t. I appreciate love, life and little things that make me tick – a beautiful dance, a sad film or somber lyrics. My lack of verbal skills is a poor reflection of how deep I really am.

Good Apples.

It’s happened. Gangnam Style was on repeat earlier and I got up and danced. This is disturbing and great at the same time. Disturbing, because for the last month I’d been complaining about how ridiculous that song is. Great, because – I danced. I’ve been feeling so terrible for the last week, I couldn’t even listen to music (this has never happened to me before). It either made me sad, or just pissed me off.

If you’ve been following my life for the last week, you would know that I had somewhat of a decision to make last night (last post – Friday Confessions and Temptations). I make it sound so dramatic, but it really wasn’t. My heart is healing, and I didn’t know if I should see a guy (a fellow South African, also an English teacher) and possibly do something I may regret. I didn’t know if that would be good for me, yet I didn’t want to be alone. It was a Friday night, the first weekend being broken up with my boyfriend and I thought my ex would probably be out having fun, getting up to nonsense and I just did not want to think about that.

I saw the guy. I tried to call him in the evening, of which he didn’t answer. He called me back later, admitting to have been sleeping. He came over to my place at 11:30pm, and by that stage I was already a little tipsy (I’m lying, I was drunk). He came here, and I smiled awkwardly a lot of the time not knowing what to say. We spoke a little about my break up and how I am not in a good place right now. He hugged me, which was the first hug I’d received during all of this. It was awkward, but l appreciated that hug so much. He told me that I looked pretty and suggested we go to the one and only foreigner bar in our town (which is so small). He gave me W10 000 (about $10) because he knew that I was broke, which was also great of him. So, we took a cab there (I told him I’d only go if we took a cab, because I was lazy) even though it’s about a ten minute walk. The place was more busy than the last few weeks had been, but as it’s that time of the year – where many English teachers go home and new ones come in, there were new faces. I recognized a guy that I went to school with, so that was pretty great. And, I spoke to some new girls. All in all, a success until I tried to find my phone and it was not in my bag. I made a drunken fuss about it, crying (hopefully not at the bar!) where the manager was calling it insistently and looking through all the seats for me. It wasn’t found, but this is Korea – cell phones just don’t get stolen. The guy and I decided to leave, and took a cab to my place.

When we arrived, my phone was laying there on my bed, After feeling like an idiot, I either cried or sat there in desperation or stupidity or even just drunkenness. I can’t remember, truthfully. It could of been all of the above. He stood there and told me he was going back to the bar. I think I wanted him to stay, and sleep next to me but he didn’t and at the end of the day, whatever his motives were, I am so happy for the outcome.

I feel good (and a little stupid) about last night because I got to have some fun, I went out for the first time all week and I did not do anything I would regret today. I also can’t say that had he tried something, it wouldn’t of happened – but why worry about things that could of happened, but didn’t.

I am grateful towards him for coming to my place, getting me to go out, giving me a hug, giving me some emergency money for the night, taking me home and leaving to go back to the bar. I had been in a similar situation with him before, where he put me to bed and left again, so that he could try hook up with a girl and if that’s what his motives were last night – good for him. He didn’t take advantage of the drunk girl and he looked after me.

I suppose there are some good apples out there, girls.

Girls vs Boys

I’ve only now come to the realization that I have always seen people as inherently good. Yes, I have been done a wrong in my life – I’ve had people do horrible things to me and I’ve even said, done or thought horrible things myself, but more specifically – I’m talking about men. These last few days have shown me some truly ugly sides of men that were ~important~ to a friend and I.

If the point of this post isn’t clear, let me clarify – it is about men who are Mr Big Shot, all-talk, loud, confident, sassy and present – but who are also lying, cheating and cowardly excuses of a person.

If you’ve been following my posts, you’ll know that I’ve recently been thrown out like bad trash, treated with disrespect and utmost insincerity, and by a man that I had come to care deeply for. A man that had so-called ~loved~ me and a man that seduced me right into his heart.This post isn’t necessarily about me and what I have just experienced, but rather a close friend. It hit me that much harder, because of the fact that I had just gone through something similar myself.

For all intents and purposes, we’ll call her Mary. Mary went to Primary School with a guy, and honestly I do not know the logistics. Perhaps they were friends, perhaps they weren’t. Irrelevantly, they both moved onto different High Schools and lost contact. Five years post University, said man, let’s call him Josh, a South African/Italian, decides to contact Mary on Facebook. Mr Italian Stallion, with his charming ways, tells her that he misses her and that they should go out sometime. And of course, Mary eats it up, as us women do. They begin talking on instant message, nightly.

The conversations lead to sex, of course.  Josh starts saying all of these dirty things, sending Mary pictures of himself, leaving Mary feeling flustered but also feeling confused and immoral. She has a good Christian upbringing, and is new to dirty talk or even picture sending. She, reluctantly, sends him a few photos back of herself but feels horrible about it afterwards. All throughout, having dirty thoughts about him, which she doesn’t feel good or natural about. She questions her morals and her decisions, and she wants to keep talking to him, but perhaps not in this manner.

Mary and I had had lengthy conversations, for a few months, about this guy. Throughout their dirty nature of conversation, all she really wanted was to know that someone cared about her or that someone was able to make a small commitment to her. She insisted that they meet for a drink on many occasions, in which he’d agree to, but then suddenly cancelled. She held onto the hope that he’d come around and eventually meet her, which is what many females do! We linger, and we wait, in hope that any man will eventually want us or take some notice of us.

Many proposed dates with Josh were cancelled on his part, and Mary trusted her instinct and asked him directly “Do you have a girlfriend?”, and this is the part that baffles me. He instantly deletes her off their instant message application, blocks her off Facebook and stops all contact.

The guy was a cheating dog, who thought with nothing but his penis, and after stringing along my friend, who is absolutely wholesome, wonderful and amazing, she catches him out and poof! he is gone. The situation made me angry for a few reasons:

I watched this girl, who basically is a representation of many females, sit there and wait for this guy. I witnessed her, out of pure desperation for love or something from the guy, wait for him to finally confirm a date. It’s the hope that annoys me. We are always hoping. We meet men, and we hope they want us, or we hope they find us attractive, or want to date us. But more importantly, when things get tough or they retract from us, we hope they won’t leave us, we hope they aren’t disinterested in us and we wonder “what can I do to keep him?” orIs it me?”.

I’m angry because I see myself in her. I am that girl, eating up his lies, allowing him to tell me these things which make me feel good about myself. I am the girl that eventually sees him retracting, and desperately holds onto him, in hope that he doesn’t end things with me. I hope that things won’t go sour, that he will turn around and everything will be perfect again. I don’t let go of him because, maybe he isn’t going to break up with me, and then I’ve gone and done it. But when it finally happens – and it will, given the behaviour or both of these men, we are left heartbroken, feeling like our bodies and minds have been used. Yes, we’ve become a victim of their fake generosity, their kindness and their ever so slight hold on us, that things will happen, or be perfect, forever. What do these two girls have in common? We both have a big heart, we love unconditionally, we want to believe the best in people, we believe people. We both yearn for love, in probably the wrong places, but when a form of it reaches us, we cling to it. We have morals, and we’re honest and we don’t have any problem talking about our feelings.

I see Brett (the guy that has just broken my heart into pieces) in Mr Italian Stallion, because as soon as things got too heavy – they bolt. When I questioned Brett about what was happening with our relationship, and that he was hurting me, he was suddenly no where to be found. When I catch him out for lying about his whereabouts, he blocks me off Facebook, but still does not reply or answer my calls. What do these two men have in common? They are all talk, they are there for the ride. The fun glorious ride, with kisses, and holding hands, sex, dirty pictures, fun but when things get heavy or when they are caught for their lies, they’re gone, like the wind. (yes, cliche!) They are cowards, they are sweet talkers, they are seducers, but more importantly, they were never genuine. They never felt interested to meet up with us in the first place, they were never in love with us, and they were never honest.

My Two Cents

Who am I to say that I know anything about the world or the human condition? But then, who is any one else to say the same? My Facebook page is saturated with inspirational quotes, phrases and lines that are supposed to make anyone believe in humanity again. Yes, they’ve worked on me. In fact, I just read a poem tonight that inspired me, and brought me to tears (After a While – Veronica A. Shoffstall). It is exactly what I need to hear right now. But why should I believe these positive words? Are they written because they are true? No. They are written because people want to believe that we’re strong as humans, that we are capable of achieving anything we set our mind to, that we are empowered.

As humans, we are complex. Let me use the analogy of technology. Over many years, people create new things, test them out and yes, they work, great. Humans are different. There is no “Yes, that works!” So, in essence, what do these poems actually mean to anyone? Besides words that people want to believe and use as some form of inspiration, rather than “You know what, that author IS right, I can endure and I am strong” The author doesn’t know you. But again, we are all looking for something to believe in, something to motivate us. Heck, I’ll take it.