I thought to myself “I hate that I have to reply to e-mails, I hate that I am asked to do things, I hate that I have to worry about whether I have enough food in my fridge and that I have to go to the shops. I hate that I have to get up and go to work.” I want to go home to my country but lately, I don’t want to go home. And then it just hit me, that I am so sick of living.
I want to know what type of girl you think I am? Do you think I am hard and easy-going? I want you to know that my past is not something I am proud of. I want you to know that I’ve battled hard and wished for a life that was different. To know that I am emotionally raw and this is all new to me.
It’s happened. Gangnam Style was on repeat earlier and I got up and danced. This is disturbing and great at the same time. Disturbing, because for the last month I’d been complaining about how ridiculous that song is. Great, because – I danced. I’ve been feeling so terrible for the last week, I couldn’t even listen to music (this has never happened to me before). It either made me sad, or just pissed me off.
I’ve only now come to the realisation that I have always seen people as inherently good. Yes, I have been done a wrong in my life – I’ve had people do horrible things to me and I’ve even said, done or thought horrible things myself, but more specifically – I’m talking about men. These last few days have shown me some truly ugly sides of men that were ~important~ to a friend and I.
Who am I to say that I know anything about the world or the human condition? But then, who is any one else to say the same? My Facebook page is saturated with inspirational quotes, phrases and lines that are supposed to make anyone believe in humanity again. Yes, they’ve worked on me. In fact, I just read a poem tonight that inspired me, and brought me to tears (After a While – Veronica A. Shoffstall).