My MacBook took a dive and instead of panicking, cursing and complaining to everyone I knew – I calmly contacted a computer guy, packed up the machine and sent it off the next day. My life is calm. I am noticing changes everyday. I can see how these antidepressants are saving me. I no longer make my compulsive lists and worry excessively. I realised that it was the OCD fuelling the anxiety and vice versa.
Yes, I have failed myself again. I get into beast mode and it’s like temporary insanity with food and sleeping. It used to be less and far spread, but now it’s as if 80% of my life is spent this way. I’m having trouble sleeping at night because I am leaving Korea in two weeks and my anxiety is through the roof.
It’s January, 1st – finally. To think, one year ago today, I woke up in the Hilton Hotel after having the worst date ever. The next day, I had a job interview – that I got and am currently working at now and then I took a plane to Jeju Island, where I worked at a winter camp and met a man that I was semi infatuated with, yet later would learn, would be a big source of anguish, pain and anger (not necessarily in a romantic way).
Every time I get on that scale, I see a number higher than the last. I am utterly out of control with food and spend most of my time consumed with what my next meal will be, eating and only being to a point where I am satisfied after I’ve eaten copious amounts of fast food at night. I know this has to stop.
It’s the end of the year and I found myself thinking about how excited I was for 2014 to begin. But then my pessimism came crawling in and I actually wondered why we put such weight and significance in these kinds of events. It’s the same as going on a diet – “I can’t start on a Tuesday, I have to start on a Monday!” or “Let me start fresh tomorrow morning.” 2013 is a year, but a day is a day.
I wish I could solve all the problems in the world. Well, not all the problems – but the ones that I have personally experienced or ones that I really do care about. It’s odd for me to imagine that there are still young teenagers experimenting with drugs, alcohol and cigarettes for the first time, but if I could go back to that age – I know nothing that was said to me would of stopped me either.
I am on my millionth attempt to lose weight and I decided to go through my old blog posts. The ones I wrote exactly one year ago when life was great, when I was working hard, losing weight, happy and reflective. I was thanking my good and bad experiences for getting me to where I was at that present moment. I was not bitter. That person is an inspiration to me. Who would of thought that one year later, I would be the one that I look up to and admire.