Good Apples.

It’s happened. Gangnam Style was on repeat earlier and I got up and danced. This is disturbing and great at the same time. Disturbing, because for the last month I’d been complaining about how ridiculous that song is. Great, because – I danced. I’ve been feeling so terrible for the last week, I couldn’t even listen to music (this has never happened to me before). It either made me sad, or just pissed me off.

If you’ve been following my life for the last week, you would know that I had somewhat of a decision to make last night (last post – Friday Confessions and Temptations). I make it sound so dramatic, but it really wasn’t. My heart is healing, and I didn’t know if I should see a guy (a fellow South African, also an English teacher) and possibly do something I may regret. I didn’t know if that would be good for me, yet I didn’t want to be alone. It was a Friday night, the first weekend being broken up with my boyfriend and I thought my ex would probably be out having fun, getting up to nonsense and I just did not want to think about that.

I saw the guy. I tried to call him in the evening, of which he didn’t answer. He called me back later, admitting to have been sleeping. He came over to my place at 11:30pm, and by that stage I was already a little tipsy (I’m lying, I was drunk). He came here, and I smiled awkwardly a lot of the time not knowing what to say. We spoke a little about my break up and how I am not in a good place right now. He hugged me, which was the first hug I’d received during all of this. It was awkward, but l appreciated that hug so much. He told me that I looked pretty and suggested we go to the one and only foreigner bar in our town (which is so small). He gave me W10 000 (about $10) because he knew that I was broke, which was also great of him. So, we took a cab there (I told him I’d only go if we took a cab, because I was lazy) even though it’s about a ten minute walk. The place was more busy than the last few weeks had been, but as it’s that time of the year – where many English teachers go home and new ones come in, there were new faces. I recognized a guy that I went to school with, so that was pretty great. And, I spoke to some new girls. All in all, a success until I tried to find my phone and it was not in my bag. I made a drunken fuss about it, crying (hopefully not at the bar!) where the manager was calling it insistently and looking through all the seats for me. It wasn’t found, but this is Korea – cell phones just don’t get stolen. The guy and I decided to leave, and took a cab to my place.

When we arrived, my phone was laying there on my bed, After feeling like an idiot, I either cried or sat there in desperation or stupidity or even just drunkenness. I can’t remember, truthfully. It could of been all of the above. He stood there and told me he was going back to the bar. I think I wanted him to stay, and sleep next to me but he didn’t and at the end of the day, whatever his motives were, I am so happy for the outcome.

I feel good (and a little stupid) about last night because I got to have some fun, I went out for the first time all week and I did not do anything I would regret today. I also can’t say that had he tried something, it wouldn’t of happened – but why worry about things that could of happened, but didn’t.

I am grateful towards him for coming to my place, getting me to go out, giving me a hug, giving me some emergency money for the night, taking me home and leaving to go back to the bar. I had been in a similar situation with him before, where he put me to bed and left again, so that he could try hook up with a girl and if that’s what his motives were last night – good for him. He didn’t take advantage of the drunk girl and he looked after me.

I suppose there are some good apples out there, girls.


Friday Confessions & Temptations.

I positively could not sleep last night. Maybe it was because I had woken up at twelve noon. Either way, it was 5:30am and I was laying bed, wondering about what my next blog post would be. I felt somewhat inspired and excited to start writing about some more positive, as you may know my previous entries have been nothing but disasters. I wanted to write about how Korea has changed my life, and it has. But as it goes, this will not be that post.

I woke up around the same time today, twelve noon. I feel worse than what I did yesterday because it’s Friday. I’ve spent 80% of this week alone in my apartment and that’s been fine. I’ve cried, I’ve written, I’ve watched movies, cooked, slept and done my assignment. Some would call this ~me~ time. This is exactly what I’d hoped to achieve during my time off. However, it’s Friday now. It’s been one week since my ex has spoken to me. Given the circumstances, it’s evident he feels not a shred of guilt, and so the only thing I dread – is for the sun to go down, when the bars are alive and he is out, quite possibly meeting and fucking someone else.

I’d been messaged by a guy who lives in my city at the beginning of the week. We went to the same University, yet only met in Korea. He’s a friend, kind of, but we’ve slept together twice. He told me he could tell something was up and if I wanted to join him this weekend, then cool. I was pretty appreciative of the message. I thought it was thoughtful that someone cared to do that. When I told him so, he replied with “You can thank me on Friday ; )” Again, sex. The question stands – do I go see this guy tonight?  I am broke and unable to travel to friends. I fear being alone, especially tonight.  I told him that I was in a bad place, he should not expect much from me. That was my subtle way of trying to get him to understand that really all I need right now, is a friend. I know that if I go over there – drinking will almost definitely lead to sex, and waking up in that manner tomorrow may be worse than the feelings I’d feel tonight. I don’t know what to do.

On a positive note, I feel that my cluttered brain with haphazard worries, concerns, events and questions is now more clear. It’s difficult to explain – but if you suffer from anxiety, you may get an understanding of what I mean. It’s like someone taking a clean sheet of paper, scribbling all over it repeatedly and crumpling it up – just muddling up all of the scribbles together making no sense whatsoever. This is what it’s like inside my head, constantly. My head feels less cluttered, because I’ve written it all down. This blog has helped me in more ways than anyone or thing has. My friends have all told me “You don’t deserve this” “He’s a douche” and thank you to all of you, I appreciate it more than you know – but isn’t that what friends are supposed to say after a break up? I don’t take anything at face value anymore and more importantly, how do I believe them when I feel this break up is a reflection upon myself? My best friend told me –“You need to appreciate people’s kindess” and it’s true – so thank you to all of you who have put up with my rantings, and crazy notions. I have love for all of you.

I’ve been hesitant to admit to the fact that I am back on the online dating websites, and I am hopelessly waiting for some new guy to take me out of my misery. As another good friend said – “One way of getting over a guy is to get under another”. I’m honestly not looking for a hook up. My life has been too many of those. In fact, if there is something I have learned in the past six months – it’s don’t mix first meets or first dates with alcohol. Alcohol and low self esteem equals bad judgment. I would like to try the whole ~afternoon coffee thing~ at some point in my life.

If it hasn’t become evident to you by now – I am brand spanking new to the dating scene. Prior to these last six months, I spent a grueling six years sleeping around and not feeling a damn thing about it. I could fuck someone (I know the language is horrific, but that’s what it was), not knowing their name and not persist to care the next day. It takes it’s toll, I’m not saying I was heartless – there were times every couple of months where I’d analyse my behaviour and hate myself but I was too scared to open myself up emotionally. I retraced from any real feelings during these escapades, but later they would catch up with me. This part of my life is cause for a whole new post, and you’ll see it – just not yet.

I guess I am waiting for some beautiful boy to save me from my old ways (The Killers), but never have those lyrics meant more to me. I sincerely thought that was Brett, but life sometimes throws you off.

Girls vs Boys

I’ve only now come to the realization that I have always seen people as inherently good. Yes, I have been done a wrong in my life – I’ve had people do horrible things to me and I’ve even said, done or thought horrible things myself, but more specifically – I’m talking about men. These last few days have shown me some truly ugly sides of men that were ~important~ to a friend and I.

If the point of this post isn’t clear, let me clarify – it is about men who are Mr Big Shot, all-talk, loud, confident, sassy and present – but who are also lying, cheating and cowardly excuses of a person.

If you’ve been following my posts, you’ll know that I’ve recently been thrown out like bad trash, treated with disrespect and utmost insincerity, and by a man that I had come to care deeply for. A man that had so-called ~loved~ me and a man that seduced me right into his heart.This post isn’t necessarily about me and what I have just experienced, but rather a close friend. It hit me that much harder, because of the fact that I had just gone through something similar myself.

For all intents and purposes, we’ll call her Mary. Mary went to Primary School with a guy, and honestly I do not know the logistics. Perhaps they were friends, perhaps they weren’t. Irrelevantly, they both moved onto different High Schools and lost contact. Five years post University, said man, let’s call him Josh, a South African/Italian, decides to contact Mary on Facebook. Mr Italian Stallion, with his charming ways, tells her that he misses her and that they should go out sometime. And of course, Mary eats it up, as us women do. They begin talking on instant message, nightly.

The conversations lead to sex, of course.  Josh starts saying all of these dirty things, sending Mary pictures of himself, leaving Mary feeling flustered but also feeling confused and immoral. She has a good Christian upbringing, and is new to dirty talk or even picture sending. She, reluctantly, sends him a few photos back of herself but feels horrible about it afterwards. All throughout, having dirty thoughts about him, which she doesn’t feel good or natural about. She questions her morals and her decisions, and she wants to keep talking to him, but perhaps not in this manner.

Mary and I had had lengthy conversations, for a few months, about this guy. Throughout their dirty nature of conversation, all she really wanted was to know that someone cared about her or that someone was able to make a small commitment to her. She insisted that they meet for a drink on many occasions, in which he’d agree to, but then suddenly cancelled. She held onto the hope that he’d come around and eventually meet her, which is what many females do! We linger, and we wait, in hope that any man will eventually want us or take some notice of us.

Many proposed dates with Josh were cancelled on his part, and Mary trusted her instinct and asked him directly “Do you have a girlfriend?”, and this is the part that baffles me. He instantly deletes her off their instant message application, blocks her off Facebook and stops all contact.

The guy was a cheating dog, who thought with nothing but his penis, and after stringing along my friend, who is absolutely wholesome, wonderful and amazing, she catches him out and poof! he is gone. The situation made me angry for a few reasons:

I watched this girl, who basically is a representation of many females, sit there and wait for this guy. I witnessed her, out of pure desperation for love or something from the guy, wait for him to finally confirm a date. It’s the hope that annoys me. We are always hoping. We meet men, and we hope they want us, or we hope they find us attractive, or want to date us. But more importantly, when things get tough or they retract from us, we hope they won’t leave us, we hope they aren’t disinterested in us and we wonder “what can I do to keep him?” orIs it me?”.

I’m angry because I see myself in her. I am that girl, eating up his lies, allowing him to tell me these things which make me feel good about myself. I am the girl that eventually sees him retracting, and desperately holds onto him, in hope that he doesn’t end things with me. I hope that things won’t go sour, that he will turn around and everything will be perfect again. I don’t let go of him because, maybe he isn’t going to break up with me, and then I’ve gone and done it. But when it finally happens – and it will, given the behaviour or both of these men, we are left heartbroken, feeling like our bodies and minds have been used. Yes, we’ve become a victim of their fake generosity, their kindness and their ever so slight hold on us, that things will happen, or be perfect, forever. What do these two girls have in common? We both have a big heart, we love unconditionally, we want to believe the best in people, we believe people. We both yearn for love, in probably the wrong places, but when a form of it reaches us, we cling to it. We have morals, and we’re honest and we don’t have any problem talking about our feelings.

I see Brett (the guy that has just broken my heart into pieces) in Mr Italian Stallion, because as soon as things got too heavy – they bolt. When I questioned Brett about what was happening with our relationship, and that he was hurting me, he was suddenly no where to be found. When I catch him out for lying about his whereabouts, he blocks me off Facebook, but still does not reply or answer my calls. What do these two men have in common? They are all talk, they are there for the ride. The fun glorious ride, with kisses, and holding hands, sex, dirty pictures, fun but when things get heavy or when they are caught for their lies, they’re gone, like the wind. (yes, cliche!) They are cowards, they are sweet talkers, they are seducers, but more importantly, they were never genuine. They never felt interested to meet up with us in the first place, they were never in love with us, and they were never honest.

My Two Cents

Who am I to say that I know anything about the world or the human condition? But then, who is any one else to say the same? My Facebook page is saturated with inspirational quotes, phrases and lines that are supposed to make anyone believe in humanity again. Yes, they’ve worked on me. In fact, I just read a poem tonight that inspired me, and brought me to tears (After a While – Veronica A. Shoffstall). It is exactly what I need to hear right now. But why should I believe these positive words? Are they written because they are true? No. They are written because people want to believe that we’re strong as humans, that we are capable of achieving anything we set our mind to, that we are empowered.

As humans, we are complex. Let me use the analogy of technology. Over many years, people create new things, test them out and yes, they work, great. Humans are different. There is no “Yes, that works!” So, in essence, what do these poems actually mean to anyone? Besides words that people want to believe and use as some form of inspiration, rather than “You know what, that author IS right, I can endure and I am strong” The author doesn’t know you. But again, we are all looking for something to believe in, something to motivate us. Heck, I’ll take it.

Work in Progress

I’m back at work today, after having taken a sick day yesterday. I needed a “personal day” – as I like to call it, even though I knew it would just be me crying in bed all day. It wasn’t. I cried, of course, but I sat down and started writing. I wrote and afterwards, I read it over and over many times. Reading what I wrote 1. took my mind off things and 2. helped me believe that this person that I thought I knew, was really a coward and an emotionless excuse of a human. I have to read my own writing continuously to make myself believe this. To make myself believe that, at the end of the day, his apathy is what saved me more heart ache in due time. Yes, it hurts now. Yes, it has made me look at myself and think “What did I do?” “Is it ME?” and “Why does he not want ME?”  Those are all legitimate questions to ask, and I am still asking them. The biggest question right now, is “Why?”. “Why did you tell me those things?” “Why did you do those things?”.  It was unfair that he told me those things. It was unfair, because they were untrue. If he really did even care about me in the slightest, this wouldn’t be happening. My heart hurts, not only because I feel that I am always a good person – I give, I care and I would never be able to do anything morally or maliciously wrong to anyone, not only because I fell for this guy leaps and bounds but also because it’s made me look at myself differently. I am not a lovable or even likable person, am I? I am not worthy of an explanation, am I? I am not good enough for an uneducated, 27 year old divorcee (apparently) with nothing going for him besides the military.

I get mad, because I showed him a life that he would never have experienced without me. I taught him new things about the world, I gave him many firsts. I made Korea a better place for him, and regardless of the fact that he said that and I don’t know if I believe his words, I know that I made this place better for him. And at the end of the day, I get a big slap in my face for it all.

I give myself too freely. I fall for the first ‘prince’ that waltzes in and tells me how wonderful I am, or heck, the first guy that gives me some attention. I know that I am capable of that, because I crave love. I do, however, feel this wasn’t like that. I had genuine feelings for this guy. We had fun, all of the time. He looked after me and cared for me, he was patient and  a gentleman. And that’s where the problem lies here – how do I ever trust anyone again, if this man who was apparently so wonderful, kind, thoughtful, patient and gentlemanly, turns out to be the biggest liar and fake of them all?

This is a tip, I hope you can take this lesson. Be genuine and honest with your feelings. If honesty was universal, the world would be a better place. Outside of bigger world problems, girls wouldn’t be sitting judging their behaviour, wondering what they did, analyzing events, wondering, lowering their self-esteem, losing the ability to trust anyone or even fear starting something new.

After all of this is said, it’s sad that I still don’t want to be with anyone but him. He still has that piece, a big piece of my heart. He allowed me to open up myself to him, and take that piece. His presence is missed. My apartment reminds me of him, my city reminds me of him. I know I won’t ever go and meet him again, with that excitement in my body and that smile on my face. That nervousness, and then finally that kiss, hello. It won’t happen again. He won’t let me tangle my legs across his, he won’t let me link arms with him in bed, I won’t ever tickle the back of his neck and he will never tell me how perfect and wonderful I am.

I can acknowledge the fact that he is the worst kind of human, but I still cannot let go of him.

Korea, Love and Longing

While my wounds are still fresh, while I type with eyes misted from tears and a heart that aches inside, I can write this with absolute raw emotion. My thoughts are all over the place. My mind is a war zone and I gues this is appropriate, because the person in question is a soldier. Grrr.

I am an overly emotional, anxious person, a lot of the time. I honestly believe that I feel things stronger and more intense than other people. I’ve hurt before – many times, but nothing that comes close to this feeling. I have never quite understood what people meant when they said they were heartbroken. The heart is an organ that pumps blood, four chambers, nothing aesthetically pleasing, and it doesn’t literally break, does it. I now know what that feels like. As I sit here, it hurts. The inside of my body feels sore, and tired. My eyes, mouth and throat all ache from crying so much. It’s uncontrollable, it just won’t stop. I woke up with a feeling of hopelessness, which felt better than what I feel right now. As someone a bit older than me said “You’re 25, you’re too young to feel hopelessness” I’m just not sure.

Let me put this all into context. I am a 25 year old female. I’m South African, and I have been living and working in South Korea for 18 months. My life thus far, I suppose one could call easy, yes. I’ve had some trials and tribulations, but who has not. I’m an English teacher, something that I’d decided to do solely because I simply felt lost after University. I have a degree in English and Psychology, and truly all I want to do with my life is help others. My passion and goal one day, is to get my Masters in Psychology. Although, that aspiration has sincerely been put on hold. But the truth is, I had nothing to do with this degree. I have no special skills, or specialization and Korea, for me – was a way out. I finally had an option where I could get a job immediately, so I took it. I feel like a fake having come here for that reason. I feel that I had taken the easy route and easy way out, and not because I have any genuine yearning to see Asia, teach children or leave home. When admitting this to my friend, who is too in Korea, he boldly interjected with the fact that “NOTHING in Korea is easy!” This is all too true. If you want a new plug – it’s difficult to find, if you need new curtains – it’s hard to find, if you need a plumber – you don’t speak Korean. Those are just a few to mention, but in short – doing just about anything in Korea, is hard. You’re pushed into this new country, and there are just no words to describe it. It is nothing like home, or anything I’ve ever experienced. I suppose in the current state that I am in, I do not have wonderful things to say – but let’s give credit where credit is due.

The culture – Koreans are racist, they do not want any one outside of Korea, inside. I choose my words carefully – I did not say ~white~ people or western teachers, because Koreans strongly dislike other Asian nationalities, too. They have a strong hatred for Chinese and Japanese. Daily life here, is a struggle. If I need to go out to buy milk, I have someone staring at me. It is literally as though they have never seen a white face before in their life. Loneliness is also something that I’ve had to deal with. Teachers come to this country, sometimes alone sometimes with friends, but we’re all here for work. I came here alone, not knowing a soul. I moved to a city called Osan, not too big nor too small however it was on the subway line, and I could travel to Seoul or just about anywhere, relatively easy. That is something I took for granted, now that I am living outside of the subway line. I made two wonderful friends within the first week, but like anything in Korea – there is a time stamp. Eventually, everyone who is here, is going to leave. And as you do, Tim and Nora left the country. That’s not to say I did not make more friend, but sometimes – it was tough. Groups of people did not like me, because all they knew was Friday night Helen, and not Wednesday afternoon Helen – the one that cares deeply, loves unconditionally and has substance. That was a hard reality to face, too. I spent one year in Osan, before getting a new job in Icheon. This city, to put mildly, is awful. I do not have a single friend here, the foreigners in this town do not like me. I have to travel at least one and a half hours to get to any of my friends, and that leaves me, plainly put – lonely.

I work at a High School, teaching children who have no respect for not me, nor their Korean teachers. Some days, I feel embarrassed for the Korean teacher, as these kids’ behaviour is utterly appalling. I feel my passion and drive to help others, to initiate a relationship with my students, to be happy – has not been met. How does one initiate any relationship with a student when all they can say is “Hello, nice to meet you”. Anyway, my elaborateness of this has gone on too far, but basically, I AM lonely. Everyday is a struggle to keep busy.

I’ve used Korea as a platform to try and meet someone. And due to the fact that this country is saturated with American soldiers, I found myself with a 35 year old, divorcee with 3 children. The relationship had never blossomed into anything serious, although my feelings for him were strong. He was the first man that had ever shown me a form of love and kindness, and that wanted to be with me. It ended, in a civil way, after four months, but it still hurt me a lot. I do, however, still feel that he is a role model in my life, having been through hardship and being that much older than me.

My second relationship is the reason I feel the way I do today. Writing this blog for the last x amount of minutes, has stopped the crying but this is the point where my head becomes messy, and I don’t really know what to say or rather how to write it in a logical way, that isn’t just all of these messed up analogies that I have running through my head. I haven’t sorted through and processed how I feel, what my emotions are and this will probably become evident.

I had been talking to this American soldier, 27 in the army, for a few weeks, maybe a month. This was while I was seeing Mike, the 35 year old divorcee. We were not exclusive, so this was OK. When Mike and I ended thing, I felt it an opportunity to go out with Brett, the 27 year old soldier. We met on a Saturday. He had, just the day prior, been hospitalized as he had been having problems with his tonsils for quite a while, yet insisted that we should meet the following day. It was a rainy afternoon, and we met around 6 or 7pm at the bus terminal in Icheon. There was an awkward hug on my part, which I didn’t think he opted for. He asked me what we should do, and I said that I didn’t know, suggested dinner. We took a short walk, which was sufficiently nerve wrecking, for me. We finally went to dinner, a Korean restaurant near the bus terminal. (and here my tears begin again) It was an amazing first date. We both felt comfortable, and the conversation flowed nicely. After that, we got drinks elsewhere and then went to the norebang (a karaoke singing room). After a giant war in my head about whether or not I should sleep with the guy on the first date, I got tipsy and we did.

The next morning, he left at 8am, and my heart sank. I thought this was another one of those situations where I was left with no call or anything after. But he did. We spoke insistently ever since. All day, and all night. We talked on the phone for hours in the evening. We texted all day during work. It blossomed into something so fantastic. We spent every weekend together, vacation, long weekends, never getting sick of one another. I could lay in his arms all day, and the world would be perfect. He looked at me straight in the eyes and told me how beautiful I was, how perfect I was and I sat there, looking straight back at him just knowing that I never want this to end. I want this forever. I keep playing over and over in my head, that one day we spent in Seoul. It was at the beginning of the relationship, and we walked around all day, both blowing off our friends to spend more time together. That night, we went out close to his base, and while kissing passionately at the bar, he whispered in my ear “I REALLY like you” and that was it for me. I whispered “I really like you, too” and I felt absolute content, happiness, joy, cloud 9 and whatever other cliche you can imagine. I FELT all of those things. Later on in the relationship, he took time off work because I had vacation. We had spent Tuesday – Sunday together. Tuesday, at him, Wednesday at me, Thursday – Sunday we took a fast train and went to the beach for a long weekend.

He had never been on a beach before. And that Friday night, we were on the beach and with absolute stars in our eyes, he told me “You know that I love you, right?” I will never forget that. I didn’t say it back, but right then, I may of felt it. We spent the rest of the weekend, on the beach, going to the mall, sleeping in, going to bars, eating out and it was fantastic. Sunday came, and after drinking for 5 nights straight, I think we were both a tired mess. We had booked a late train back, but decided we should try get an earlier ticket, because it was so hot, and we had to check out of our motel. We went to the train station, got an earlier ticket but still waited an hour to board. We sat down together, he complained of a sore throat, and I felt really sluggish, tired and hungover. We got on the train, it was fine. Looked through his pictures on his phone, talked a little. When we parted ways, he carried my heavy bag for me, helped me catch a cab, kissed me and we parted.

After that, things changed. He told me his throat was still sore, and he had not contacted me much the following Monday. I asked him what was happening he told me that he now knows he will not stay in Korea for another year, and things with us will end in January. (After telling me repeatedly that he had the option to stay in Korea, and that I should find a job next year closer to him, I should meet his mother when she visits in December, I should go to the States etc). He said that that had been running through his mind all day, and that’s what’s up. I told him that we can do nothing about January, and that it is beyond either of our control, and we should just enjoy this time together. He agreed and assured me he wanted to carry on being with me.

He went to the doctor who told him he had to have his tonsils taken out. His messages to me were far and in between. We did not speak on the phone, and I’d get maybe two messages from the guy, before he wouldn’t respond and he’d tell me that he’d “fallen asleep”.  He went and had his tonsils removed, which fell on my birthday. The day of my birthday, I was a heart sore because I wanted him. He only texted me after lunch on the day. I got about four messages back and forth and no phone call, he had ‘fallen asleep’ on me, again. A weekend later, he came to Icheon. The week prior, he was still hardly contacting me at all. I recognized this behaviour and asked him about it more than once, in which his first reply was “let me get this surgery over with then I’ll be back to normal”. and his second one being “I don’t know what to think, maybe we should end it” after I asked him what was up, did he want space. He later confessed that he only said that because he thought that was what I wanted. Regardless, that was maybe a warning sign for me. When he came to Icheon, it was perfect as it always is. He mentioned falling in love with me, again and he reminded me about his formal military dance.  When Saturday came, he got a text message and he told me he had to go into work. I fought for him not to leave but he ~had to~. He promised he’d be back the next day, because they had a long weekend and he did, as promised. We did dinner and came back to mine. I had to work the next day, so I left for work and a bit later and he texted saying he was meeting friends in Seoul for lunch. I asked him “are you coming back?” He said he would let me know. I immediately had a fit, and told him he skipped out on me while I was at work! He told me to calm down, he was coming back. So, he did. We went out for dinner again that night, and Tuesday I went to work. He sat in my apartment all day, while I worked only to spend one hour with me before he had to take the last bus home. He tidied up, did the dishes and we lay together until he left. Wednesday through Friday, communication was weird, again. Even though I had mentioned it to him twice over that past weekend how it made me feel. When Friday came around, he had a massive test. I texted in the morning to ask how it went and he only replied after 4pm. He told me he made it, but had to go into the field the next day (Saturday), so I replied that I was proud of him, and we should just hang out next weekend. He replied “Absolutely, going to bed early tonight”. and that was it. The last I had ever heard from him.

I replied to that message, tried to call him that night, and had sent him a picture over text, nothing. Saturday came around, nothing. I messaged ‘OK…” Saturday night, nothing. When finally, around 9pm Saturday, I asked what was happening with us, him ignoring me was extremely hurtful and can he please get back to me. Nothing. I texted again a bit later saying that maybe I had over reacted, and I wanted him to know how I feel. Nothing. The next day, I tried calling, and texted that I knew September was a busy month for him, and he’s out in the field, so he should contact me when he gets a chance. Still nothing. After checking his Facebook, I found out he was lying about things. I knew he was lying about working the previous Saturday, and that he wasn’t, in fact, in the field that weekend. (We had been Facebook friends before, when one day I realize that we weren’t. I talk to him about it, he got mad at the situation and tells me that his ex wife went in and deleted me. After that, we were never Facebook friends again even after I had told him twice to add me). Regardless, he did not know his setting weren’t private, and I could see what he was posting. I called him out on it, and told him that he can’t say and do those things he said and did and then do this, that this is the worst thing anyone could ever do. He was obviously reading all of my texts, because he then went and blocked me off Facebook after I texted that I could see his posts, and that this is cowardly, he needs to grow some balls and get on the fucking phone with me, be civil. Nothing. Later that day – after crying hysterically basically from Saturday night to Sunday night, I turned around and started blaming myself. I thought maybe I had been acting crazy, and I shouldn’t of gone all “what’s happening with us” after only one and a half days of him not replying to me. So, I texted “Did I act hastily and fuck this up? Can we have a conversation at some point?” and again, nothing.

And now, let me conclude by confessing how I feel about all of this, and the warning signs which were very clearly there, but I may have been to blind to see them.

Before I had met him, he told me about how him and his friends have this game called “Juicy Olympics” where they have rules typed out and they should accomplish certain goals. For example, kissing an old Korean woman, or getting pictures of “tits” and “pussy“. They get points for this, but they must have photographic proof. THIS, did not sit well with me, and this is a type of guy that I usually don’t get involved with. Perhaps warning sign number 1.

Before we met, he told me elaborate stories about how he could get a girl to come home with him. About how he would pretend he couldn’t hear her, so have her whisper in his ear. Warning sign 2?

When we met, he told me about two girls who he had slept with, but who were apparently “crazy” and kept texting him to see him. He made up elaborate lies to each of them. One, he had an STD, and the other, his parents were in an accident and he had to go back to the States. This should of been warning signal 3.

When the Facebook thing happened, I wasn’t sure if I believed him. It all seemed too much, if what he had said prior was even the truth – his ex had cheated on him and is now living with some other guy in another state. If that was true, why would she care who he was Facebook friend with. I found it difficult to believe. That, coupled with the fact that we did not become Facebook friends again after that, even though I asked him to add me (he had changed settings so that I could not add him!) Warning sign 4?

When he had his tonsils out, he did not talk to me, even though he professed to being “so bored”. If that was true, why was I not hearing from him. I had asked him to send me a picture of the hospital room, or of his throat (we always used to end each other pictures of everything we were doing, so this was not out of the ordinary) but he disregarded those messages. He visited me one week post operation, and he had not one sign of having had the surgery. He also could eat meat, drink and smoke. Which, I do not know for a fact, but feel this is not normal? Warning sign 5.

When he told me he had to go into work then and there, that Saturday. All seems a little dodgy that a schedule suddenly changes, and no matter where in Korea you are, you need to go back to base to work. Perhaps a warning sign 6, then but definitely now – as I had seen his status about a “going away party” that night.

When he told me he had to go into the field this past weekend, but set a status on the Sunday saying “Listening to angry girl music, cleaning my room and doing yoga, how’s your day going?” (angry girl reference to me indirectly?!) Which clearly meant he was not in the field. Warning sign 7.

The fact that I had had a suspicion that he was capable of lying. Early in the relationship,  he had told me I was the first girl he’d ever met from online.  When he spoke of a previous girl he had been with, I asked him where they had met. He said “online” and then quickly said “Oh, wait we met through mutual friends.” OK, this isn’t me being paranoid, but  something that I had thought about. A  larger lie that baffled me was when we slept together without a condom while we were drunk, I woke up the next day knowing so. When I mentioned it to him, he said, with utmost sincerity and a straight face that “No, we came in, I put one on.” When I told him I knew that wasn’t the case, he laughed and  admitted I was right. Having sex with out  condom is a big contributing factor in how I feel today, too. I feel as though he has not only taken advantage of my mind, but also my body. I know that there is no one else to blame, but myself. Yet, the ability to lie with a straight face – warning sign 8.

Thinking back, the guy was always considerate of me and what I wanted or wanted to do. He would put my own needs in front of his – like where we would eat for dinner, or what we would do. He would take the long route to get to me, as just to get here an extra hour or two earlier. And after all this, he left me with not a shred of consideration. Not a shred of consideration about how I am feeling now, or how being ignored may feel. About how this would affect my trust issues or healing or relationships with new people. He knew that I was someone that always wanted closure, and he did not have the respect to give that to me. I sent him a final message saying “I am hurting SO badly, why can’t you feel anything about that?” And, nothing. I guess all I want out of this,  if anything, is one second of his life where he actually thinks “You know, maybe I was a dick?” or “We had some really good times together” or even God forbid “I did not handle this situation well at all”. I guess that’s all I wanted. He said to me, more than once, at the very beginning “I will never hurt you” and I asked him and wondered why he would say that? Maybe that was part of his sick joke.

Finally, had it ever dawned on me that I was a victim of one of his elaborate lies, too? That he really did not HAVE to leave Korea (or maybe he isn’t leaving at all, and IS staying a second year?!) And that was his way of getting rid of me? I think it’s evident that this guy cannot profess true and honest feelings, especially when they’re confrontational (the STD, the family being injured) and then finally, him not having any guts or decency to have this ending conversation with me.

At the end of all of this, I guess putting it down on paper I should actually think to myself “how RIDICULOUS was I?” I was absolutely blinded by his sweet talk, and his traveling so far to see me, that I didn’t take any notice of any of this.

I learned a lot from my first relationship, that I should trust my gut, especially. That lesson has only been given to me again, here. When things got weird as soon as he told me that 1. he was leaving Korea in January, 2. He was getting his tonsils removed and 3. hardly any communication suddenly, I should of spoken about that head on. I should of told him that this behaviour (the lack of communication) needs to change otherwise I am leaving. And I say this, because: I need to trust my gut. When a guy suddenly acts strange with you, or doesn’t want to talk to you – he doesn’t WANT you. That’s plain and simply, it. Therefore, if I had of mentioned the behaviour asked him to rectify it, and he did not, it would of saved me this absolute heartache of not knowing what’s going on, because I would of known then and there, this guy no longer cares for me anymore. I could of walked away with my dignity and the power.

Truth is, during those last 3 weeks, I was so unhappy. The only time I was happy was when he was here, sweet talking me. No relationship ever needs to get to that point. If I am not happy, I need to rectify that situation. I guess I only wish that I could of done that then, instead of feeling this way now. Walking away, with no respect from him to dignify me with a call or a text, no explanation. I suppose that is something I can work on and test next time around.

I also know I need “Helen time” but I am not really sure what that means. I feel that I cannot be happy without the approval and love of a man. THAT is something that I know I need to work on, I just do not know how.

I know this entry has been a long one, filled mainly with a play by play of my recent relationship. I suppose I wrote this for myself, to put my feelings into context, to put them in chronological order and also to reflect, to write down the warning signs and what I have learned. Hopefully, if someone does read this – they can take something away from it, too.