Eternity Scares Me More

 

If you think about death…I mean, really think about it, you realise that you are, more likely than not, going to reach a point in your life where you are going to suffer. Most likely, it’ll be a physical pain that you’ve never experienced before, and you’re going to struggle. It’s going to hurt. And that pain could go on for hours and hours, or days. You don’t know the fate that life has in store for you. Does that scare you?

And after, you’re what — transcended into heaven? Forced into hell? Left in purgatory? A spirit left behind to guide those that are still alive? Or are we just done, end? The world will continue to go on and on and on, and we will just be finished…forever.

Or do we come back? Do we get a second or third chance at life? Maybe we finally get the chance to be someone else. Or maybe we’re brought back to a world that is worse than what we perceive it to be right now.

Death scares me, but I fear eternity scares me more.

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Great Feeling

Before January gets away from me – I wanted to express the weird feeling that I have right now – it’s happiness. This is so strange for me – for the first time in my life I absolutely love my job and it’s made the world of different to my life.

After teaching in the UK for four months – and being utterly miserable the entire time, I thought maybe I was stuck in this career. I took a shot and have now got a new job as a writer in London. This is what I have always wanted!

This is such a great feeling.

My Two Cents (And Merry Christmas)

Last night, I thought about what I wanted to achieve in 2016. It didn’t take me long to reach the conclusion that I should skip all the bullshit of my not wanting to go out sometimes and not wanting to do something or meet someone because traveling and planning left with me anxiety but more so, I’ve just become stubborn in that, I don’t know how I’ll feel on the day, hence my lack of planning. It’s probably fair to say that I have missed many opportunities to meet people because of this.

Today, however, I feel as though I couldn’t be assed to change in that manner. I hate doing things that I hate doing and that’s just it. So, I won’t.

That’s my two cents. Merry Christmas. xx

Stories I’ll Remember.

I’m sure you’ve visited my blog thinking that it was going to be a bit of a laugh? How embarrassing! I have been complaining for about twenty-thousand consecutive years now. Re-reading some of my writing has been cringe-worthy to say the least. So then, let me sum up my life for the last seven months in England, using a different perspective – humour and light-hearted ridiculousness.

Seems I’m not really cut out for teaching that special breed that is English school children as they are rather cuntish but as I look back on the last few months having literally sat on the side of the road with my luggage, in Birmingham of all places, to getting very drunk outside a train station in London by myself on a Sunday with the occasional wee in the local Indian restaurant and friends popping over to say hi – I guess you could say that I am pretty much winning at life. And although I’ve mellowed out considerably, going from “I can’t believe I’m still alive!” to only letting my ex boyfriend finger bang me, these are the stories I’ll remember one day.

How Much Longer Can I Do This?

Even though my problems seem so cliche I still feel as though no one really understands what it is I am having difficulty with. I suppose no one knows what to say or how to say what they really want to say or maybe they just don’t give a fuck. The girl that you see before you is able to roam the world leaving behind everyone and everything she knows. But when will I be able to change my mind set so that I don’t need people to understand me, I can understand myself?

I don’t know how to snap out of bad, upset, depressed or anxious moods. I’ve spent all weekend in bed, curtains drawn because I feel cheated and defeated. I’ve just started a new job as a High School English teacher. I came to England almost four months ago and I got this job via an agency who told me that the school was a “good school”. After seeing the behaviour of the students, lack of discipline and feeling like I am actually not even teaching but rather babysitting – I did some research of my own.The report indicates that this school is not, in fact, a “good school” and that the only thing they actually achieve a high ranking for, is the number of children with special educational needs. This was never told to me. In fact, I didn’t know that a report like this even existed until I started working there. Why hadn’t any one told me?

My job makes me feel frustrated and upset. I see some fantastic students sitting there, books out and ready to learn but the rest of the students make it impossible for me to even try attempt a lesson. They’re being robbed of their education and my studying has almost gone to waste. The behaviour is atrocious. This is not what I know to be an education.

I don’t know how much longer I can do this. This whole thing has gotten me really upset.