I move my cursor to the top right of my screen…”write“, it says. I click on it as it’s too enticing not to.
It’s Sunday and for the first time in months, I haven’t got any work to do. It’s weird. I love my job. I am writer. It sounds so lovely to say even lovelier to say out loud. I work seven days a week. I told myself today would be all about reading poetry and relaxing, but in all honesty—I am so fucking bored.
I did read poetry, dark poetry—Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur. Her poetry is so simple, like anyone could have written it. But at the same time, it has an effect on me. Her words don’t need to be deciphered, twisted, and analysed like the long and strange poetry we were forced to read in high school. They’re straightforward, and true. Perhaps that is why they have an effect on me… that and her brave account of how badly men have treated her.
I’m home in South Africa for now, and I have almost no stress at all. It’s weird. I sit beside the ocean and write. I hear the stillness of the night, I breathe fresh air, I feel the sun on my skin. I feel reality. It’s now my business to know what everyone is getting up to in their lives—and while I couldn’t really care, it’s sometimes nice.
These are my thoughts as the day—and week—come to a close.
Have a happy week, everyone.
Yes, I’m lazy when it comes to some things – hiking up mountains, speed walking, getting up to find the TV remote (only kidding… kind of), but I’ve always kind of been a firm believer in working hard. When I was at school, we were looking at 50% pass marks – which, essentially, is still pretty low. Today, schools in South Africa require a 30% pass mark. Not only that, but kids are using ridiculously bad sources such as Wikipedia to copy and paste. Yeah, they have sites that detect plagiarism, but then you have companies that edit your work for you, so you can literally cheat sites like Turnitin.
Where does that leave us. the youth of today, who have hopes and dreams just like we did/do but are too lazy to get there? Students use Siri to get answers at record speed, they use calculators and Google to do their homework. Knowledge just isn’t knowledge anymore.
Am I bitter that I couldn’t make use of these services when I was at school? Kind of. Heck, the first camera phone only made a hit when I was in high school (yes, I feel kind of old). On the other hand, did we – the older generation – learn things that are actually useless today BECAUSE of the advancement of technology?
And lastly, and most importantly, why am I on a rant about today’s youth when it’s Friday night and I am in bed? Will I turn out to be one of those old woman who say, “When I was your age…”? God, I hope not.
That’s enough from me. Goodnight.
I wasn’t noticed very often. Not by boys, not by men and not by male family members. I was never the hot one or the confident one or the sexy one but rather the friend of the girl who always had a boyfriend. Year after year, boys and men came into my life via her and I always wished it were me. Why wasn’t there any one coming to watch me dance?
I wish I could lead a normal life. I am like a school girl learning how to deal with her crush because physical touch makes me freak out. Maybe I became that loud, in-your-face, crude drunk so that I was finally something to someone – I was the one with the stories. Maybe I drew my attention from that and not from other things, like being good at something. I continued to do damage to myself that it is a way of life for me. How do I function in society, sober? How will I ever become comfortable with the touch of a man or enjoy sex, without drinking.
Maybe if I had of gained more attention in other, healthier forms, I wouldn’t be as dysfunctional today. Maybe if I were thinner, my self esteem and confidence would be higher thus leaving me to feel comfortable in my own skin and around others. I am a proud big girl, finally, and can appreciate who I am and what I look like but walking around, sitting, sleeping, talking, eating etc while having that reoccurring thought in your head “how do you see me?” is mentally exhausting. I wonder how people see me? Do they look at me and think disgust? I am now in a country that is so diverse that seeing people of all sizes and colours and shapes is the norm. Am I seen less horribly now?
How the fuck do I start to tackle this mountain?
I’ve set up shop, once again, in South Korea. I landed a few days ago and am still jet lagged but extremely grateful for my experience at home as well as feeling super optimistic about the year ahead.
I am back in my old time, Icheon. This is where I grew into the person I am today. Admittedly, it started off on a rough note at the beginning of 2012, but half a year later – I’d experienced a whole lot more of life and with some deep introspection and love for myself, I turned the experience into one of the best of my life. I am happy to be here. It is a small town with some beautiful parks. I have the most amazing apartment and my school seems nice.
I arrived back in Korea 5/6kg lighter than when I left 3 months ago. The airplane seatbelt felt looser and that was great. For the first time since 2012, I am not basing my emotions on my weight and my eating. I am feeling confident and happy in my skin and of course, would love to eat better and continue to lose weight. It’s been so freeing to deal with life without the added hatred of my body.
My visit home made me so much stronger. I really engulfed the value of family and the friends that I know will be with me for life. I was in my place, I had my people and I was surrounded by beauty. Before leaving South Africa, I took a walk on the beach alone after having a final breakfast with my mom. I said a prayer out loud, because there was no one around. I thanked the Lord for my wonderful experience at home and asked him to bless me during my upcoming year back in Korea. I asked Him to make me more aware of the beauty in Korea, even though it is a different kind of beauty to South Africa. The truth is, there is beauty anywhere – it’s just how you perceive it. My closing thoughts were that – coming back to Korea was MY choice. Even though I was utterly bleak to return, I knew that it was what I chose to do.
I think the Lord will bless me this year coupled with the fact that I need to stay positive and see the best in the world.
In one week, I leave for South Korea again. I write with a heavy heart. I want to avoid the thought at all costs. I’m finding it so hard to articulate how I feel. I think it’s hard for those important to me, to understand how meaningful my words are. That, I was barely living for almost my entire life and that, everything changed while in Korea. I finally give a shit about… everything. I love my family, I love my friends, I love everything that surrounds me in my beautiful city, the mountains, clouds, blue sky, birds, stars, rain. everything. These things meant nothing to me before. Spending time with my family was sometimes a chore.
At the end of the day, my philosophy while being home, has been to be as kind as I can. That giving is the most important thing. I want to thank the people that give me life, make me happy and do so much for me. Having 3 blissful months of happiness has been elating. I forgot how it felt. I spent a year being miserable. I fear my misery will return in Korea. But, I hope my new attitude follows me, instead. I know life will change, once again.
I realised that everyone has taken their own path in life. Whether it’s marriage, travel, studying or something else. When I left my friends last night (my farewell dinner), I never thought that ~I~ would be the friend that was brave enough to see the world. I always felt so inferior at home, as if I wasn’t capable of doing anything by myself. For that moment, I felt proud of myself.