I haven’t been writing because I can’t find any quiet space in my mind to do so. I feel like time is sprinting and each day is done before I can even bat an eyelid. I sit at my desk with my eyes half closed and before I know it, I’m in bed desperately trying to fall asleep.
“Why do you want to fall asleep?” I ask myself. If the day is racing past you and you feel like within an inch of yourself, you’ll be dead, why waste it being asleep when you can finally appreciate the time when you’re alone and comfortable, ideally anxiety-free but realistically, not. Do I love what I do? Why do I cross off the days? Waiting for the next big thing to happen. That which means zooming through the next few days or months to get there. I feel like the anxiety and my feeling of being overwhelmed has caged me. I am ready to sit and scream and sit again for another few weeks, alone, to find the calmness of my mind. The calmness is gone. Life is about money and moving from place to place to get it. I can’t focus. I can’t find the space to enjoy my free time. Why is my head so cloudy? Why am I always tired? I’ve neglected important things because of lack of time and lack of clear head.