I wanted to write a little about what’s been going on inside my head for the last week. My mind has been so active that it’s been keeping me awake at night longer than usual. If it’s not scattered thoughts it’s just the repetition of songs that I haven’t even listen to for years. I don’t know why my mind has been so over-active lately (I thought i was taking pills for that?! joke).
I’m in a space right now where I need quiet. I want distance and given the fact that Korea has given me that from friends and family, physically, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed inside of my head and in social spaces. I deactivated all of my social networks – which includes my dating profiles because I felt like they were smothering me. I didn’t take an interest in any one else’ posts and most of it was just useless clutter to me. In this day in age, is it possible to be friends while not ~online friends~? I can think of only a handful of people that actually have an alternative contact method to reach me – and that’s okay.
I was watching a movie earlier today and one of the characters was a US soldier. I have seen it in real life, too, where they are so passionate about their job, loyal towards each other and not only about work, other areas of their life, too. It’s not coincidence that 95% of the guys I’ve been with have been douche bags. I obviously attract or go out looking for them – but could there just be another answer? I’ve heard so many men say that cumming “clears their head”. Is it possible that guys, no matter how kind-natured they may be, put sex and sexual satisfaction above any other need or quality? Almost morally OK to satisfy this need and then go back to their normal lives?
I’ve done plenty of thinking about all of this. I’ve gone from the first few days off feeling hopeless disgusted with myself, asking men I am friends if there is actually something wrong with me – to picking myself up a little bit and trying to enjoy simple pleasures. My phone no longer distracts me and I can lay down at night, breathing deeply (something that only alzams usually give me), and just living these days with a breathe-easy, slow-paced attitude.
I’m in a space where I wish I had a month off to own up to my past, work through things, become stronger and breathe. But, life goes on.