Something feels like dye in water, poisoning my mind that hasn’t been this healthy in some time. Two things on the heart. I’ve said it before and with time, unfortunately, it doesn’t stop – neither does the over analysing.
I’m now in my fourth year living and teaching English in South Korea. I see blatant segregation all of the time. In this school, I sit in the teacher’s room with all of the other teachers. I was put at the table right at the front, by the door, that students come in and out of all day long – only to see what I am doing on my computer. I am also next to the microwave and coffee maker and in front of the first aid kit. My problem is not sitting here. The problem is that I have been put here for a reason. Why is it that all of the other teachers will sit next to each other in neat rows? Today, we were in class and the Korean teacher was teaching the children about sizes. She was asking for a “bigger size” and said, in Korean, how the foreigners go to Itaewon to buy “big size” clothing. That whole attitude just annoys me. It’s me against them.
I’ve been trying to establish some kind of relationship with my Korean co teacher for the whole month I have been working here. She is quiet, soft spoken and young (I bet younger than me), but I can see she’s got this sarcastic attitude. I’ve made a few attempts to get together with her on a non school evening for dinner but it’s clear she isn’t interested. I do this not because I want to be her best friend but rather, experienced a great friendship with both of my Korean co workers at my previous job and it made work that much better. I’ve given up on meeting with her and have decided that I am going to do what needs to be done and get out of here.
To change the subject, I’ve been holding onto a lot of anger regarding two friends I had in University. We were very close and when we all three went out separate way, we kind of lost contact. However, a few months ago, when I was at home, it turned out that all 3 of us were in Cape Town at the same time. We planned an entire weekend to sleep over and hang. We had a great time with lots of laughing, drinking, sharing and just generally being together as though time had not moved an inch. As soon as the weekend was over, that was that – done again. I had my farewell and sent out a few invitation. One of the girls did not respond, only to reply to my message asking her to confirm, DURING my farewell, that she was “swamped, sorry.” It hurt my feelings that it was sent during, but more so that there was no excuse. And that was that, good-bye again.
The other girl seems to be more on my mind. Lately, she’s been posting all of these photos about being a loyal friend and how if someone wants to be in your life, they will be etc. I get so angry when I see those because she’s just given me a fat miss again. I sent her a message asking her to help me out during my teaching practical. I had to ask her 3 times, did she come through? Not at all. I was really disappointed and I know I shouldn’t be – we should actually only rely on ourselves to get things done (and in actuality, I did my own lessons and they were great!). Principle is – she acts so holier than though with her motivational quotes and sayings that she’s such a great friend when actually – what I see the most in her is a backstabbing nature, apathy and a general lack of shit to be a friend at all.
What do I do now? Be passive aggressive (old me) and delete her, confront her (do not feel like drama!) or just leave it!?