Something feels like dye in water, poisoning my mind that hasn’t been this healthy in some time. Two things on the heart. I’ve said it before and with time, unfortunately, it doesn’t stop – neither does the over analysing.
I’m now in my fourth year living and teaching English in South Korea. I see blatant segregation all of the time. In this school, I sit in the teacher’s room with all of the other teachers. I was put at the table right at the front, by the door, that students come in and out of all day long – only to see what I am doing on my computer. I am also next to the microwave and coffee maker and in front of the first aid kit. My problem is not sitting here. The problem is that I have been put here for a reason. Why is it that all of the other teachers will sit next to each other in neat rows? Today, we were in class and the Korean teacher was teaching the children about sizes. She was asking for a “bigger size” and said, in Korean, how the foreigners go to Itaewon to buy “big size” clothing. That whole attitude just annoys me. It’s me against them.
I’ve been trying to establish some kind of relationship with my Korean co teacher for the whole month I have been working here. She is quiet, soft spoken and young (I bet younger than me), but I can see she’s got this sarcastic attitude. I’ve made a few attempts to get together with her on a non school evening for dinner but it’s clear she isn’t interested. I do this not because I want to be her best friend but rather, experienced a great friendship with both of my Korean co workers at my previous job and it made work that much better. I’ve given up on meeting with her and have decided that I am going to do what needs to be done and get out of here.
To change the subject, I’ve been holding onto a lot of anger regarding two friends I had in University. We were very close and when we all three went out separate way, we kind of lost contact. However, a few months ago, when I was at home, it turned out that all 3 of us were in Cape Town at the same time. We planned an entire weekend to sleep over and hang. We had a great time with lots of laughing, drinking, sharing and just generally being together as though time had not moved an inch. As soon as the weekend was over, that was that – done again. I had my farewell and sent out a few invitation. One of the girls did not respond, only to reply to my message asking her to confirm, DURING my farewell, that she was “swamped, sorry.” It hurt my feelings that it was sent during, but more so that there was no excuse. And that was that, good-bye again.
The other girl seems to be more on my mind. Lately, she’s been posting all of these photos about being a loyal friend and how if someone wants to be in your life, they will be etc. I get so angry when I see those because she’s just given me a fat miss again. I sent her a message asking her to help me out during my teaching practical. I had to ask her 3 times, did she come through? Not at all. I was really disappointed and I know I shouldn’t be – we should actually only rely on ourselves to get things done (and in actuality, I did my own lessons and they were great!). Principle is – she acts so holier than though with her motivational quotes and sayings that she’s such a great friend when actually – what I see the most in her is a backstabbing nature, apathy and a general lack of shit to be a friend at all.
What do I do now? Be passive aggressive (old me) and delete her, confront her (do not feel like drama!) or just leave it!?
Fat Girl in South Korea 
As I (literally) just discovered your blog I am not sure if I should comment on what to do, but I have been more than once been in this position and I know that it hurts and it angers more than anything because it’s a feeling of betrayal. The first time it happened to me I was very passive aggressive, deleted her, was angry at myself, cursed her, but really, did it me any good? The last time this happened, out of the blue, with someone I thought was one of my best friends, I was just as angry and hurt, but I managed to get closure by writing her a last message explaining my feelings, wishing her all the best for her future (but please never contact me again) but also wishing that she someday might see how she acted.
By calling her out on it, but not being bitchy about it, rather calm and objective, I was able to put it behind me. I think not doing anything about it might haunt you for some time. Ultimately you have to do what feels best to you and I hope you find your right way (^_^)
I think honest, respectful confrontation is a wise skill to learn and one that we need many times throughout life. Approach her on it, that’s what I would do, you deserve for her to know how you feel.
I can relate with your feelings of segregation, us against them bs in your school, I’m really hitting that wall too. 3 years in for me and it’s wearing on my last nerve at this point. It’s funny how this experience gets so up and down. It gets even more down when that segregation amplifies though, in my experience at least. That was a rude comment about the big-sized clothing as well, unnecessarily rude. bleh.
Hang in there. ❤
~Andrea
Thanks for the message. I do appreciate it. It seems this issue has just subsided on its own. I kind of realised that this friendship isn’t worth fixing anyway. It also bugs me that confrontation these days means typing something on a computer back and forth.