I feel like a fat pie today. My mentality is that – I didn’t eat ~that~ well for the first half of week 1 at Weight Watchers and still lost 3kg, and for that reason, I could do it again in week 2. Half a week turned into one full week of shit eating. I feel gross and completely blown up today. I didn’t want to get out my pyjamas because it’s the second day I’ve had since being back in the country, that I could just sit and do NOTHING. Now, it’s almost 5pm – I am at my parents house for a few days and I am bored stiff. On top of this, my father has a friend coming round soon, and of course, my make up free/pyjama day turns into getting dressed with make up. Infuriating.
Speaking of infuriating, it seems as though every minute here, I change my mind. I go from loving it to hating it. My mother still treats me like I am in school, wanting to know where I am, what I am doing, what I did yesterday, how my day was – she calls me every single day. I couldn’t go away for the night on my date without lying and telling her there were 3 people there. She’s not over protective and she is not strict, she just cares – too much. Sometimes her attitude drives me crazy. Sometimes – she just doesn’t get it. Social queues, interactions, comments, and her moods. Honestly, being home is more infuriating than it is to be away.
I’m applying for jobs back in Korea. May start seems dismal for Public School which means I might end up doing slave labour – like my first teaching job there. I keep telling myself I can hold out until perhaps June or July for a decent job – but as things are looking, I am now ready to pack up and leave again.
On a side note – I’ve been thinking of food addiction as drug addiction. I sat today, and I finished off a big packet of chips. They tasted pretty shit and I in no way craved them, but I sat and ate the bag. I sit here, bored, and wonder what else I can eat – as if food is the magic pill that will take away my boredom. It is an absolute addiction. Why can I not control myself. I feel as though food can make any situation better. It’s not a fun movie night or night in unless you have delicious take out, is it? But not only is it in moments of boredom, but even when you are busy. Food is the addiction my mind craves. And then I hate myself for it, because I lost my self control to achieve the goals I have for myself. Simply put, today – I feel like a fat loser.