Am I Happier Here?

Earth Hour and I am sitting in the dark. I have Norah Jones (my usual writing music) on to drown out the sound of an incessant barking dog. It seems the Gods of Internet in South Africa dislike WordPress and it’s been really difficult to load. I feel like my wanting to write has just been building up and building up. As my old flame said “That’s what a pen and paper is for.” 

Am I happier in South Africa? I don’t really know. I haven’t been happy in little over a year. I’m different. I am having new experiences and new challenges. I’d started living my life too comfortably in Korea, that I never had to feel nervous, excited or afraid. Every day poses a new challenge for me here. It leaves me with immense worry and I wished I didn’t have to do some of them but as my friend says “Just for today, do not worry.” 

Lately, I’ve found myself thinking a lot about people and how truly beautiful they can be but also, how cruel. There is an abundance of beauty in this world. I’ve witness so much of it since being home – my trip up Table Mountain, a pink sunset, the stars (which you cannot see in Korea), Chapman’s Peak, living alongside the beach as well as people. People that make me feel sad. A teacher at my school who is suffering from cancer and my heart sinks every time I see her. A man in a wheelchair whose body is disfigured being pushed on top of the mountain by someone. I stood on that mountain and I breathed deep. The freshest air I’ve tasted in a long time, if ever before. The clouds which left the atmosphere in a white blank and suddenly, the clouds parted and we see heaven. Vast ocean and mountains. Can life be anymore beautiful? I wish I was the only person on that mountain with nothing by my thoughts and my precious breath. I feel grateful.

I went with my best friend to her NA meeting this week. She’s been clean off drugs for more than two years and I’ve wanted to go with her for quite some time. As someone shared their story, It was so inspiring to see these people that WANT to make changes in their life. That care enough about themselves to commit to these meetings and other things, even after they’ve been sober for many years. I found myself feeling heartache of happiness when they announced the people who have been sober for xyz amount of days/months/years.

On the contrary, we visited the Holocaust Museum this past week. We watched a video called Hana’s Suit Case. Noticing that so many children were siblings made my heart hurt. Learning more about World War Two and the tyranny, it leaves you feeling sickened. I feel passionately that the two poles are so extreme. Good and evil.

I want to believe in this beautiful earth. I never took the time to appreciate how beautiful my home is, Cape Town. I never really take the time to realise how beautiful I am, too. Inside and out.I went to bed and woke telling myself that I am happy, I am beautiful, I am confident and I am capable. I joined Weight Watchers last week, and have lost 3kg in the first week. Losing weight makes me happy.

When I think of Korea, I picture a dark space. Being here, i think light. Does this mean I am happier here?

Now, as I am on a week long holiday, I can spend some more time with my family.  Below, a photo taken at a B&B in Camps Bay.


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