As the time draws nearer for me to leave Korea and head back home, I am starting to stress a lot, feeling badly about myself but also reflect. I know that I’ve felt depressed for over a year and I know why that is – but as the time comes to go home, I feel like those insecurities and bad feelings will just be seen and made worse. After doing some reflecting today, I starting thinking about my family in a way which makes me feel guilty and bad.
I never realised how much my brother affected who I am. After talking to him and him admitting that someone in his life causes him to feel like he has lost his voice – I realised that it was that exact feeling that he gave me. During the big things and the small, he constantly would not respect or listen to me. He belittled me in front of others, and made me feeling frustrated a lot of the time. But, it’s only now – when I have been away from that environment for two years and have done a lot of introspection, that I realise. I fear to go home in fear that I will be that person again. I’ve come out of my shell, gained confidence and a whole lot of life experience but as soon as I am with family again, it’s as though I am the youngest child again, needing permission, needing help, being treated as insignificant and causing me to shrivel up back into my shell.
I Skyped with my friend tonight. I will be staying with her and her family for basically the duration of my stay in South Africa (3 months) – because she lives close to my new work. She and I grew up together and she was able to understand what I was saying about my family and my brother.
I will be going home in two weeks, and although I am excited – yes, I am again, constantly obsessing over my weight and how I will be seen when I see people I haven’t seen in two years or more. I am disappointed in myself, I hate how I look and I am sure they will, too.