Yes, I have failed myself again. I get into beast mode and it’s like temporary insanity with food and sleeping. It used to be less and far spread, but now it’s as if 80% of my life is spent this way. I’m having trouble sleeping at night because I am leaving Korea in two weeks and my anxiety is through the roof.
I worry about what I need to pack, what needs to be thrown out, who will come collect the big stuff and even though I spent Saturday night throwing out all the things I do not want (11 bags full), I still have that sense of anxiety. When do I buy my friends gifts? When do I end my cell phone contract? When do I try find a new job? And on top of that, money – I’ve been told when my money will be deposited, but if it isn’t – then I am royally screwed.
Not only do the trivial things give me anxiety. I am a big fat loser again, who has gained almost all of the 36 pounds she had lost. And now it’s time to get on that plane and see every one after two years, the same blown up girl I was before I left. I feel ashamed, and I feel disgusting and ugly in all my clothes. Yes, I dread all of this.
I know I haven’t done any writing in a while. I just haven’t had the energy to do it. My life is dormant at work and at home. I spent three days out of seven. drinking, about two weeks ago. I had two one night stands, and I eat McDonalds just about every evening. I hate the person I am simply because I know better.