Sick of Living

I thought to myself “I hate that I have to reply to e-mails, I hate that I am asked to do things, I hate that I have to worry about whether I have enough food in my fridge and that I have to go to the shops. I hate that I have to get up and go to work.”  I want to go home to my country but lately, I don’t want to go home. And then it just hit me, that I am so sick of living.

Am I that sour that I hate having friends? I hate being asked to do things because I am set up in the situation where I have to, again, say no. I hate social situations and if it were up to me, I’d be married and spend all of my time with one person that loves me romantically. Am I that bitter that I don’t care what anyone else thinks besides the opposite sex? And I’ve just given up hope with men as it is.

The little optimism I used to carry is now completely depleted. I used to hold onto a thought that someone may want me, but at this stage – I am no longer waiting by the phone for his message that he suddenly wants to have 50 thousand of my babies and I know that the only time I may get is during the week when everyone else is busy. I don’t even care about it anymore. I lost hope in myself, I’ve put on a few kilograms that have shown up in my face and I am embarrassed to see myself and to be seen. I’ve just lost feelings of pleasure and happiness.


8 thoughts on “Sick of Living

  1. I don’t Know you and I’ve been through this article by chance. I think you are considerably interesting and I would like you to feel free to contact me in my personal mail address.

      1. I’m a procrastinator. In my mind, everything can be put off until tomorrow. I hate that about myself, but i’ll fix it later…

        In all honesty though, it’s finals week, so i’m trying to focus on getting things done, but my head is screaming, “DO IT LATER, YOU HAVE OTHER THINGS TO DO FOR CLASS!”

      2. I’m learning every single day that people are so complex. My best friend is going through something where the solution seems so simple to me – but the hardest thing for him. For me – to mentally get in the place to just buckle down and be healthy to lose weight – and for you – to stop procrastinating. It’s little things that are easy for others, perhaps – but I guess that makes us who we are.

        Good luck on finals!

  2. I don’t know you, but I’ve been where you are mentally. I hope you find the power to love yourself regardless of the weight on your body. You are so much more than your size. It sounds cliche, but it’s the truth. My other job besides teaching is a health and fitness coach. I work with a lot of women on their wellness, self-care, and weight-loss plans. The more you hate your body, the worse it gets. If you need a plan, I can help, or if you need someone to talk to, I can give you resources. It pains me to see you unable to enjoy your life in Korea. I wish you the best of luck!

    1. I did go through a process of loving my body – but that was also when I was more determined to do something about it. I stepped on the scale today, and know that now I need to shed those kg I put on. Feeling just disgusting all over my body and I can see the weight gain every where.

      I guess my main concern is that I am sick of the healthy foods I ate before. I am a picky eater and being in Korea, makes it hard to have a lot of resources that I know and or like. I guess I have this fear that it won’t work anymore.

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