I’m lonely and I’ve put myself in the situation where I could and possibly do feel rejected. The smallest things give the biggest blows.
When I am at work, I want to be home. When I am home, I want to be elsewhere. During the week, I want the weekend. When it’s the weekend, I am bored. I act out carelessly and when I realise it, It is Monday and I am exhausted.
I want to talk and I want companionship, but I don’t want a single person to see me. I think I don’t want to be seen. I feel like I have failed myself and my body to the point where I don’t want to be seen.
Back to the point where I know I need to do something but too lazy to do a damn thing. Where does that leave me now? Back to the point where I can lead a mediocre life pretending life is good and I am happy with myself, as was done for 24 years of my life.
For two years, I have wanted home – in three months, I go. And now, what? I don’t really want to go. I can hide here.