Mental Health Day

I needed a mental day last week when I felt like the world was just out to get me. When I realised it – it was as if I was going out of my way to do nice things for others yet everything that could go wrong with me, did.

It finally got too much for me last Tuesday when my internet banking wouldn’t work and I thought it was the end of the world because I need to send money home this week for my studies and my best friends’ wedding.

I sat down in near panic at work and then, looking like shit, told my co worker that I felt sick and I went home. I continued to take a full day off the Wednesday and then a half day last Friday. I sorted out my banking (after four hours in the bank)! but after that, my mac book breaking and me having to travel two hours to get it fixed, the one and only blusher shade I wanted to buy my friend for her birthday (after traveling 30 minutes to get there) being sold out and then, not being able to buy my one way ticket home to South Africa because I was out by a couple dollars on my card. Little things, agreed but I am feeling kind of burnt out with teaching now. The kids go on a very long vacation in four weeks and I just cannot wait for it.

So, what else has been going on with me in the last month? I haven’t written a thing – I’ve felt like the time was never right – mood, time, music. I finally have some time at work now between teaching. I’ve finally set my vacation dates and I will be finishing up my contract here in Korea on February, 24th 2014. Just gone three months. I haven’t been home for two years and when you get to the six month, five month, four month mark to going home – you’re excited. Now, we’re down to crunch time and I’m starting to stress about money (saving) and plans. I’m also not following a healthy lifestyle (I’ve been singing the same tune all year) so I don’t feel too great about myself in general and how I’ll be seen when I go home.

I booked a ticket to Thailand on a whim and I’ll be going on February, 25th for four days before I fly home for good. Flying home for good – it makes me nervous. I am finally going home with no plan to come back. I have to do ten weeks of practical teaching in South Africa and so that’s my plan for now. I’ve organised my schools, and a place to stay close enough – but it’s the reality that my life is going to change drastically in three months. Maybe that is what I need. I’ve felt stuck this year. Bouncing through moments of feeling amped, motivated and excited to more moments of depression and self loathing. I am pretty sure I will end up back in Korea in May, however.

I met someone from online recently, too. After over a year of meeting these boring, mediocre guys who weren’t interested in me – this guy actually entertained me, made me laugh, was pretty outspoken and crude yet seems to have a good moral compass. I feel comfortable with him. We’ve been talking more and had a second date last weekend but I’m not even sure if getting into this kind of thing is healthy for me. I’ve been wanting a relationship for a long time but when I am not in one, nor is the prospect of one there – I don’t over analyse and I don’t obsess. My mind is pretty much consumed with three basic things – does he like me, will we start dating and is he talking to/seeing or sleeping with other girls. I over analyse every message I get and it drives me crazy. I don’t want to get my heart broken – being in like (and being liked back) is making yourself so vulnerable. I’ve not really had any indication that he doesn’t like me – but I am so clueless about dating and flirting anyway. That, plus the fact that I think that I am not a likable person (romantically).

I’ve also just made contact with my friend of twenty years with whom I had a fall out with on my birthday. He showed up to my party inebriated and caused a massive scene with me and my friends, ruined my night and my friends weren’t impressed either. It happened about three months ago, and as I had been thinking of him fondly lately, I wrote him a message. He told me he had stopped drinking but I hear differently from mutual friends – however, I suppose it is not my business but from now, I choose and approve the setting in which we meet. I need to start taking care of myself more in that regard.

One months news in one post. I can’t wait for December, roll on 2014.

13 thoughts on “Mental Health Day

  1. Hi,
    I have been reading you for a little while and I am pretty impressed with your openness and the smooth and deep way of letting your feelings and thoughts flow.
    I am a professor in the Icheon area,and I would love to meet a good writer of English like yourself.
    I am French and I am settled in Gyeonggi-do.



  2. Hi,
    I was under the impression that you are still an Icheon resident,but you are not any longer. I am disappointed (smile).How do you like Ansan compared to Icheon?
    Yes,I am an English professor.How about you? Are you teaching in Ansan? Do you teach English or other subjects?
    I am free this afternoon.I will be reading more of your well written posts
    Be well.


    1. I moved from Icheon in March this year. Actually, I am going back to South Africa in three months.

      Ansan is a much bigger city – something I thought I wanted, but actually miss isolated Icheon.

      I am an English teacher at an Elementary School here. I only teach English.

      I really hope you enjoy my other posts – it’s been a good way for me to let go of anxieties and thoughts.

      1. Icheon is a beautiful town,I don’t live there but I know it very well because I do my grocery shopping in E-mart,and I always like to attend the monthly street market (not far from the Bus Terminal). In good weather ,I usually get in my car and drive far between the rice and peach farms of Icheon.

        In your “I can Hide Here”,I read “For two years, I have wanted home – in three months, I go. And now, what? I don’t really want to go. I can hide here”. Does the word ‘here’ stand for ‘Korea’ or another place in the vast and beautiful space of your mind/Literary imagination?
        How did you enjoy your stay in Korea? Are you leaving for beautiful South Africa for good? Do you plan to come back?

        I admire the way you have chosen to let go of your anxieties and thoughts.


      2. Oh, yes – the E Mart. I would do my shopping there, too.

        When I said “here” I meant Korea. I’ve been a lot less social over the last year, and feel that I am not accountable to many people (socially or otherwise) – I prefer it that way, as I am feeling not so good about myself. I prefer to be alone a lot of the time and when I go home, it will be a different story.

        I may come back to Korea in May, but I’m not sure yet. I assume then that you work at a University? If there are any openings there in May, I would actually like to go back to Icheon (I never thought I would say that!)

      3. Hi —-,
        I don’t know how the job market in South Africa is ,but I think it might be a good plan to come back to Korea,especially that if one is a native speaker of English ,her/his job is guaranteed.
        In the last couple of years my travels took me to Dubai,Abu Dhabi,New York,Casablanca and Dakar.I thought about settling in and work in one of these big cities,but then I had to change my mind.For me ,there is no place like Korea. It is secure,a lot more convenient than other countries,and there are plenty of things to do. Moreover,if one can afford the time,there are many teaching jobs readily available.

        Talking about jobs,if you plan to come back in May you might have to consider applying for university jobs right now. It is the hiring period for most schools. Some of these universities are within 30 minutes from Icheon. Our university should be looking for a professor or two soon since two of the instructors who left last semester have not been replaced yet.If you would like to send me your resume later ,I will be glad to pass it over to the head of our department for his consideration.I have worked with him on different projects in the last 4 years,and he values my recommendations.

        I read one of your poems today. I wish I could discuss its content with you.I find it loaded with feelings.I find it moving as well.

        Your writings alone should be enough for you to feel good about yourself,———. You should be proud of a lot of qualities that others don’t have.

      4. That is how I feel about Korea – it’s a sure bet. I am in the process of getting my education degree, but will only graduate at the end of next year – Korea seems like a safe option for me. I suppose I will see what happens.

        Wow, so you’ve traveled quite a bit. Did you teach English in all of those places?

        I would very much appreciate it if you could pass along my resume, but are you sure they are hiring for the end of May? I have to go home until that time, so I am not available before then.

        Which poem did you read?

        Thanks again for the great compliments.

  3. The poem was by Veronica Shoffstall and you posted it in September last year.
    After a while you learn
    That even sunshine burns if you get too much
    So you plant your own garden
    And decorate your own soul
    What an excellent poem that was ! You have such a nice poetic taste.

    New York was the only city where I taught before. However ,the subject I taught was Computer Networking and not English ( I have a degree in Linguistics but I am also an MCSE and a CCNA).
    My recent travels were only to discover new places.I have family and/or good friends in all the cities I visited .So,I saved a bit on accommodations and tour guides (wink).

    As far as my school is concerned,I am not really sure if and when they will be hiring ,but I know that two professors left at the end of last semesters and their spots have not been filled yet.In my opinion the best way to get hired now or in May is to, at least ,deposit your resume with a few universities. This way if you are not hired now,then you will be given the priority next time they will be hiring.
    As you you might know ,foreign women educators are hired easily here in Korea. You are a female .So,you will be preferred,for certain.

    What is your major?

    PS.I left a little comment on your post of today.

    1. I do love that poem – it helped me through a heartache last year.

      My majors were English and Psychology. I think I should just wait until March to start with job hunting again, though.

      I hope you’re having a good week so far!

  4. Hi ,
    I hope that you are having a better week as well and that the Korean winter isn’t coming too hard on you.
    Do you ever go to Seoul?If you do ,please let me know.We could have lunch or dinner together if you can afford the time..
    I will be done with my university exams on the 20th of Dec.
    Good day to you.

    1. Korean winter is quite brutal! Especially coming from sunny South Africa!

      I don’t really go to Seoul – only if I have to – but if I do, I will definitely let you know. I can’t seem to find a blog of yours – do you have one? I’d like to read more about you, too.

      1. I feel good that you showed interest in reading more about me.Unfortunately,I don’t have a blog,and most of my writings are in French and are not shared with the public. I think of myself as a better speaker than a writer.However,I do often write comments on my friends postings.
        I will be more that glad to discuss and share ideas with you. Although most of what you write has a touch of pessimism,I feel that you also have a bright ,and positive side as well. I sometimes find that some of your expressions reflect a nice sense of humor as well.For example ,you ended your post today by saying “…in all honesty,2013 has been a pretty big pile of shit for me.”. That made me laugh because 2013 has truly been a big pile of shit for most of the world politically,economically and more.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s