I needed a mental day last week when I felt like the world was just out to get me. When I realised it – it was as if I was going out of my way to do nice things for others yet everything that could go wrong with me, did.
It finally got too much for me last Tuesday when my internet banking wouldn’t work and I thought it was the end of the world because I need to send money home this week for my studies and my best friends’ wedding.
I sat down in near panic at work and then, looking like shit, told my co worker that I felt sick and I went home. I continued to take a full day off the Wednesday and then a half day last Friday. I sorted out my banking (after four hours in the bank)! but after that, my mac book breaking and me having to travel two hours to get it fixed, the one and only blusher shade I wanted to buy my friend for her birthday (after traveling 30 minutes to get there) being sold out and then, not being able to buy my one way ticket home to South Africa because I was out by a couple dollars on my card. Little things, agreed but I am feeling kind of burnt out with teaching now. The kids go on a very long vacation in four weeks and I just cannot wait for it.
So, what else has been going on with me in the last month? I haven’t written a thing – I’ve felt like the time was never right – mood, time, music. I finally have some time at work now between teaching. I’ve finally set my vacation dates and I will be finishing up my contract here in Korea on February, 24th 2014. Just gone three months. I haven’t been home for two years and when you get to the six month, five month, four month mark to going home – you’re excited. Now, we’re down to crunch time and I’m starting to stress about money (saving) and plans. I’m also not following a healthy lifestyle (I’ve been singing the same tune all year) so I don’t feel too great about myself in general and how I’ll be seen when I go home.
I booked a ticket to Thailand on a whim and I’ll be going on February, 25th for four days before I fly home for good. Flying home for good – it makes me nervous. I am finally going home with no plan to come back. I have to do ten weeks of practical teaching in South Africa and so that’s my plan for now. I’ve organised my schools, and a place to stay close enough – but it’s the reality that my life is going to change drastically in three months. Maybe that is what I need. I’ve felt stuck this year. Bouncing through moments of feeling amped, motivated and excited to more moments of depression and self loathing. I am pretty sure I will end up back in Korea in May, however.
I met someone from online recently, too. After over a year of meeting these boring, mediocre guys who weren’t interested in me – this guy actually entertained me, made me laugh, was pretty outspoken and crude yet seems to have a good moral compass. I feel comfortable with him. We’ve been talking more and had a second date last weekend but I’m not even sure if getting into this kind of thing is healthy for me. I’ve been wanting a relationship for a long time but when I am not in one, nor is the prospect of one there – I don’t over analyse and I don’t obsess. My mind is pretty much consumed with three basic things – does he like me, will we start dating and is he talking to/seeing or sleeping with other girls. I over analyse every message I get and it drives me crazy. I don’t want to get my heart broken – being in like (and being liked back) is making yourself so vulnerable. I’ve not really had any indication that he doesn’t like me – but I am so clueless about dating and flirting anyway. That, plus the fact that I think that I am not a likable person (romantically).
I’ve also just made contact with my friend of twenty years with whom I had a fall out with on my birthday. He showed up to my party inebriated and caused a massive scene with me and my friends, ruined my night and my friends weren’t impressed either. It happened about three months ago, and as I had been thinking of him fondly lately, I wrote him a message. He told me he had stopped drinking but I hear differently from mutual friends – however, I suppose it is not my business but from now, I choose and approve the setting in which we meet. I need to start taking care of myself more in that regard.
One months news in one post. I can’t wait for December, roll on 2014.