I’ve recently being talking with a girl on the other side of the world who is anxious to come to South Korea because of her weight. We talked openly and honestly, and it opened my eyes to a few things.
I’ve just started reading the book Half-Assed – a weight loss memoir, and it’s quite weird how this all fell into place at the same time. So many of the writers’ stories resonated with me. It was almost as though it was me sitting there, writing my story. As admitted on the back cover – “You won’t find a negative word in this book.”, that was just it – it was an honest, funny and down-to-earth book about the daily and long term struggles this woman went and still perhaps goes through (I am not finished the book yet).
The point I am trying to make, which is not seeming so clear at this point, is – I always felt that overweight people all felt the same. That we all had the same issues and we all disliked our bodies, we all had the same fears and thoughts. I had never really thought about the specifics that someone who struggles with weight, would go through. The writer admits to sneaking out the back entrance of her house to escape greeting and or seeing extended family members. The girl that I had recently come into contact with, admitted she worried about physical space. I, on the other hand, had never really worried about those things. I feel as though my weight has not held me back from doing the things that I want to, 99% of the time. There were pool parties that I’d lied about having my bathing suit when I was younger, but generally – I am happy that I still take the opportunities and live my live as though I am worth every thing that I do.
But then, what has being over weight done to me? My psyche, my mind, my self esteem and thoughts? I suppose there is something I do that I don’t even notice myself doing it anymore. As soon as I walk outside of my front door, as soon as I see someone – I immediately obsess wondering “Look how big I am, I wonder what they are thinking.” I feel as though it’s just become second nature to me. On top of this, clothes is a major issue. It IS depressing not finding anything in your size – or not looking good in the things that are 3x bigger. Ask any fat person, and I am sure they will admit the same. I feel like sex has played a big part in my weight, too – constantly having a low self image, I turned to men to give me validation that I am or can be sexy – but only when I am drunk. I find it hard to be physical, sexually or non-sexually, with anyone because I feel like a monster that no one wants to touch.
The one thing I want in the world is to be married to a wonderful, handsome and faithful man and have children. But, before I get there – I at least one some time to be able to be objectively thin and wanted by the opposite sex.