In an attempt to declutter my life – I’ve disabled my Facebook and dating accounts. At this point in my life, I feel as though I am addicted to Facebook when I have it, yet – when I disable it, I don’t miss it at all. The problem I have is, the time that it wastes. It’s like food – if it’s there, you’re going to want to have it. I spent hours mindlessly clicking on the Facebook tab and app. I read what people have to say, which is about 80% bullshit and I wonder “Who really cares?” Who cares if someone got tanked last night? Who cares if someone is soooo exciting for the weekend? I feel like it’s wasting my time in a destructive way.
As for the dating apps – something that I know I do, is look for sex or men to tell me I am attractive and desirable but at the end of the day, it is not the act of sex that I am looking for. In fact, it is that which makes me dislike myself more – the one night stands. I realized that the majority of men on those sites will lead with something sexual. And it’s as though my head is about to explode. I engage and feel good that I am ~wanted~ but what do I really want from all of this? I don’t want the physical act of sex unless I am in some kind of committed relationship. So, unless you can bring some kind of intellectual conversation to the table – the dating apps are not good for me.
In other news, someone who came into my life in a very intense kind of way at the beginning of this year and who exited in the same kind of manner had left some of his clothes at my house. For about two months, I waited for him to fetch them, which he did not. I kept them in my cupboard and it was that kind of mentality “Out of sight, out of mind.” Until, I realized that that wasn’t really the case. I don’t know why I was holding on them. So, yesterday morning – I dumped them into the clothes bin. The clothes will be given to less fortunate. Before I put them in the box, I took a moment. I didn’t feel hateful. I thanked ~him~ or the universe for allowing this person to teach me more about myself. He allowed me to get over some of my fears about being with a man in an intimate, non-sexual way. And although overall, I can say he was no good for me – I thank what he did for ME.
So, as I let go of the anger and destructive things, I am becoming more relaxed – like I can finally breathe.