A few days ago, I admitted to a friend that I feel like I’ve hit my rock bottom – she, a former drug addict, told me that when you hit rock bottom, you will do absolutely anything it takes to get out of it. I guess in that sense, I did not hit rock bottom – but I sure felt like life had been smothering me.
The big things – like my self esteem, self image, weight and everything else, to the smaller things – the walk to work using the same streets, my apartment, my friends, Facebook and e-mails. My entire life felt like one big frustration.
I rarely cry anymore. I have been through phases of my life where I cry every day for things like missing home, to just hating myself. These days, it’s just a feeling of being dead – dead, with loneliness and sadness. After expressing all of my frustration to the above mentioned friend in my own way – without fear of being judged, yelling and speaking at 100 miles an hour to let all of my anger out, after that – things seemed better.
One of my biggest frustrations has been my weight – lack of focus and passion to get back onto losing it. I told my friend it’s because, for once in my life, I can say that I am not the best version of myself. I think I have abused myself with take out food so much in the last month or more, that I can actually say the thought of it makes me feel sick. I actively don’t want to eat it anymore, because I think I’ve just had too much of it. I feel good about that. I feel like my passion and will is slowly, very slowly, coming back. Granted, this happens just about once a month.
I’ve always felt that day dreaming and imagining the life that you want, is what helps you get there. I’ve started doing that again. I’ve started cooking my own meals again. Those simple steps are what will hopefully work itself up to something bigger. Sometime else that I have learned – it is all in the mind. My mantra has always been “Your body achieves what the mind believes.”
It was exactly one year ago that I made so many great changes to my life. I am such a sucker for symbolism, and I want this fact to work in my favour.
And, finally – as the title suggests, I wanted to at least put out good vibes. I have read The Power – the sequel to The Secret, which I felt to be more powerful than The Secret. In actuality, The Secret is starting to seem more and more like babble to me. But, there is one part that I feel deserves some recognition. I’ve done it before, and I am so ashamed of the reason why. It was to win over my ex. It did not work, of course because after two days – I stopped focusing on, stopped trying to believe it – but also, because he did show his true terrible colours and at the end of the day – life, the universe whatever was working in my favour. That was definitely not supposed to be.
After having said that – I’ve felt like I had needed to give thanks and gratitude to the good things I have in my life. That, and let it be known what I actually want in life.
Step 1: Ask: Let the universe know what you want.
– I want to be genuinely happy.
– I want to lose weight.
– I want to be passionate about losing weight.
– I want to feel dedicated, excited and work hard towards losing weight.
– I want a boyfriend.
Step two: Believe: Believe that it is already yours.
– I am genuinely happy.
– I am losing weight.
-I am passionate about losing weight.
– I have a boyfriend.
Step three: Receive.
Today, I wiped out the motivational words I wrote on my white board and rather made a list of the people that I am wanting to do this for. Myself, being number 1.