I’ve been laying in bed for the last hour, unable to sleep. I woke up with a slight hangover which was bearable, but more importantly – a scratchy throat which is annoying me. My eyes are heavy, and even though I cannot sleep – I am tired.
I unblocked and checked out an old friend of mines’s Facebook page tonight. This is someone who played a very important role in my life for about six months. We became very close very quickly, and it did not end well. Regardless, it made me think about the beginning of this year (when we met).
January, 1st I had high hopes. It’s so cliched, but I really did. I had spent the last three months on an incredible journey of weight loss and self discovery, almost – and I was happy! January, 2nd – I took a trip to an island in Korea for holiday work. This is where I met the above mentioned friend. Being away from home, sleeping in a dorm while teaching kids English for ten days – needless to say, my eating wasn’t controlled as usual. When this person came into my life, I knew that I had romantic feelings for him. And as I suffer so badly from issues of self esteem, when I like someone – I do anything to keep them by my side. He did not reciprocate my feelings, yet still strung me along with sex and cuddling – something he later told me he was doing to “show me how I should be treated by a man.”
I have held my tongue for a few months, but I resent him in every sense. I neglected myself in hope that one day, he would want me after all the things I did for him. I changed my entire schedule to see him, eat out and not exercise so we could spend time together. And after our bitter sweet ending – I had lost it all. My energy, my drive and of course, my self confidence. My self esteem was once again lowered because I was never desired and I was seen as a charity case that needed fixing by him.
Everything changed that day, January 2nd 2013. I’ve had such a terrible year. I feel like I have cheated readers and myself when I have these erratic posts about how I am going to change my life, yet the next week – I am depressed and eating it out. This blog, which began with a heartache – it’s now just consumed with my insecurities about weight and how I feel. And I feel like nothing else is of importance anymore. Nothing is newsworthy to me. I am neglecting my friends, because I simply do not want to see them. The only thing that consumes my mind is what a failure I have become. And I only feel this way because, for once in my life, I can say that there has been a better version of me.