When you become responsible and accountable for your life and your own actions, life seems to be a lot harder. It was easy for me to act recklessly and suffer the brunt of it weeks or months later. It was like a down pour of me hating myself and the things that I’d done but it was easy to get back on that destructive path.
I have been so hard on myself. I’ve tried (and successfully) changed my life – some aspects, drastically and others, not so drastically, but when it comes down to the night or activity where I act in an old manner, I immediately hate myself.
I’ve just reached the end of a 5 day long weekend. It has been Chuseok (Korean Thanksgiving). Last Friday, I had an urge to do things the old me would of done. Drank at home, alone and found someone to sleep with. And I did. It was the start of a 1 week period that I like to call ~insanity~. After 1 week, I managed to get drunk four times and end up in bed with a guy three out of the four nights. I have not cooked a single meal in over 1 week. I have survived on take out, alcohol, sleeping and partying for 1 week.
At the end of each encounter with a guy, I walk away feeling desired – which is not a rare occasion. Sleeping with someone has always given me the feeling that I was sexy or desirable with the opposite sex. I was finding confirmation in sex. But, in a different way, I walked away hoping this time would be different and he would want to see me again. This did not happen.
Today – Sunday, I fear the scale, I feel like I am inside a trapped body full of poison, I feel less than good enough and all of it makes me think that there is no one out there for me. I came home 3 nights ago, and cried. I am not the person I was before, and I am thankful to say that. I can’t just ~sleep around~ anymore without it affecting me.
I don’t feel optimistic for the upcoming week, no. I do feel exciting to change my eating and other habits, yes – but I feel the repeated behaviour of messing myself up one week and then trying to pick up the pieces the next, is just to the point where I’ve lost faith in myself.