My mother emailed me a few days ago to tell me that my sister-in-laws mother was very sick and could not get out of bed. For as long as I have known her, she has always been obese. It has been difficult for her to move around and if I am correct, I don’t think she has been able to leave her house for quite some time. I’m currently on vacation from work and so I hadn’t e-mailed my mom back yet. However, I got another e-mail from her today that said that my sister-in-laws mother has died.
I spent most of the day feeling very nervous to call my brother and his wife. It’s such an awkward situation. This evening, I called and because my sister in law was so distraught, I wasn’t able to talk to her. I did still cry on the phone. My brother and his wife are both not doing well.
This whole thing made me think about two things. Aside from those two things, it is hard for me to imagine that pain or to sympathise entirely. I can’t feel what they are feeling. But it did make me feel vulnerable to the fact that, if my mother passes away, I am in South Korea. I would not have been able to spend time with her before she died. And, secondly, the fact that someone I know has passed on because of her weight.
I started a journey and took a turn back to my old habits. I find myself wanting (and usually getting) McDonalds every day. I need to change my life. I should be disgusted about the strain I am placing on my body every single day. These organs that are working so hard to keep me healthy and alive and I am abusing that.
I want this to be my wake up call. Recently, I’ve had negative thoughts about weight loss. I’ve been thinking that I suppose maybe I just will be fat and I will never know what it is like to be thin and I should accept that fact. I hate that my mind has changed so drastically. And everything that ever worked in the past to get me going and motivate me has just stopped working. The hustle and bustle of every day life has gotten the best of me. I need to realise that what I am doing, the weight that I am at and the way that I hate the image I see every day is only hurting me. I am the only one hurting myself.