Can’t believe I haven’t written anything in over a month. It’s this reminder that I am slipping (or have slipped) into my old ways. I started a lifestyle change at the end of October 2012. It involved a lot more reading, writing, eating well and exercising. Thinking positively was just the way that my mind worked.
I started a new job in March and it’s nothing like my last job. I am so busy. And when I am not teaching, I am preparing. It seems like a constant frustration because my co teacher (Korean) constantly undermines and bugs me with unnecessary things. It leaves me feeling overwhelmed, annoyed and again, just frustrated. I feel uneasy a lot of the time. I feel like my life is on fast forward and I hate that.
I eat well all day, yet come home to eat bad food and snacks and because I am so busy at work, I want to sit down and not exercise. I used to have time in the morning at my last job to read 10 pages of something motivational every morning, and I really think that made a big difference. But, as a great friend told me tonight “If you want to be great, you have to act great”. I know that I can achieve my goals of weight loss, exercise, feeling inspired and happy but I am having SUCH difficulty getting back into all of those constructive and healthy patterns.
I know I need to make sacrifices and practice self control if I want to achieve my goals.I know that I could wake up 30 minutes earlier and get to work earlier, to settle in and read and to not feel so overwhelmed at work as well as being in a rush in the morning. It’s just a lack of dedication and motivation keeping me from all of this.
I visited a dietician last week and got a good meal plan but even that, I feel like I haven’t got the time nor in the right mind set to even sit down and read over and start it. Where is my motivation?!
I’ve also recently just ended a very poisonous friendship with a guy that I’d met at the beginning of the year. It’s the most complicated relationship I’d ever been in, which began with us sleeping together, then it turning into an adoration with cuddling and friendship. The quality of it declined majorly every day, and even though we kept fighting, we dragged it out. When he tried to call it quits, I wanted to talk about it – and a few days later I realised that I was only keeping him as a friend so I didn’t have to suffer non closure with him. When I thought about it, I was holding onto so much anger.
It all clicked that I was in this friendship with a man that was never going to want me, that told me he saw me as a charity case because he thought my life was a mess and that he could help me! He controlled me and made me feel awful for a good 6 months. It took me some time, but I am proud of myself for ending it. For telling him it’s run it’s course. I feel this massive load off my shoulders and am proud of myself for it.
I recently read a quote that said “If you wake up with a positive thought, it will improve the rest of your day.” I woke up this morning, and couldn’t think of a thing. I know I should feel blessed to be alive but I even feel silly to think about that. I feel silly praying, too – even though I am a Christian. I feel lost again. I need to find my way back.