How to Win Friends & Influence People.

I’ve just finished a self-help book that was recommended to me called How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie. It was advised that I make notes on the book afterwards, to keep me inspired and have easy reference, if needed. I’ve underlined the parts that are particularly meaningful to me.

“It is frequently easier to find fault than to find praise. It is more natural to talk about what you want than to talk about what the other person wants.”

“What lessons can I learn from that experience?”

“Criticism is dangerous because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.”

“Let’s realize that criticisms are like homing pigeons. They always return home. Let’s realize that the person we are going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself or herself, and condemn us in return.”

“Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbours roof when your own doorstep is unclean.”

“It takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.”

“God himself does not propose to judge man until the end of his days. Why should you and I?”

“There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything. And that is by making the other person want to do it.”

“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”

The desire to feel important is what drives one to wear the latest styles, drive the latest cars and talk about your brilliant children.

“Many people who go insane find in insanity a feeling of importance that they were unable to find in the world of reality. If I could stretch out my hand and restore her sanity, I wouldn’t do it. She’s much happier as she is.”

“There is nothing else that so kills the ambition of a person as criticisms from superiors.”

“There is nothing I need so much as nourishment for my self-esteem.”

“The difference between appreciation and flattery? One is sincere and the other insincere. Flattery is telling the other person precisely what he thinks about himself.”

“Nothing pleases a child more than a kind of parental interest and approval.”

“Hurting people not only does not change them,, it is never called for.”

“Give honest, sincere appreciation. People will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime, repeat them years after you have forgotten them.”

“The rest of us are just like you: we are interested in what we want.”

“The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage.”

“You knew by some divine instinct that you can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”

“When you see a group photograph that you are in, whose picture do you look for first?”

“If we merely try to impress people and get people interested in us, we will never have many true, sincere friends.”

“Let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people – things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.”

“Let’s greet people with animation and enthusiasm.”

“The expression one wears on one’s face is far more important than the clothes one wears on one’s back.”

“A smile says “I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.”

“People rarely succeed at anything unless they have fun doing it.”

“Force yourself to smile. If you are alone, force yourself to whistle or hum a tune or sing. Act as though you were already happy, and that will tend to make you happy.”

“Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions.”

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so” – William Shakespear. 

“Keep your mind on the great and splendid things you would like to do, and then, as the days go gliding away, you will find yourself unconsciously seizing upon the opportunities that are required to for the fulfillment of your desire. Picture in your mind the able, earnest, useful person you desire to be, and the thought you hold is hourly transforming you into that particular individual. Thought is supreme.”

“A right mental attitude. All thingscome through desire and every sincere prayer is answered.”

“A man without a smiling face must not open a shop.”

“Your smile is a messenger of your good will. Your smile brightens the lives of all who see it.”

The value of a smile:

– it costs nothing, but creates much.

– It happens in a flash and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever.

– It cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is no earthly good to anybody till it is given away.

– For nobody needs a smile so much as those who have none left to give.

“One way to warm it up is to remember people’s names.”

“One of the simplest, most obvious and most important ways of gaining good will was by remembering names and making people feel important.”

“Half the time, we are introduced to a stranger, we chat a few minutes and can’t even remember his or her name by the time we say goodbye.”

“We should be aware of the magic contained in a name and realize that this single item is wholly and completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing… and nobody else. The name sets the individual apart; it makes him or her unique among all others.”

“Listening is one of the highest compliments we can pay anyone.”

“A sympathetic listener – that’s what we all want when we are in trouble. That is frequently all the irritated customer wants, the dissatisfied employee or the hurt friend.”

“Always make the other person feel important.”

“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”

“Jesus summed it up in one thought, probably the most important rule in the world ‘So unto others as you would have others do unto you’.”

“Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.”

“Why prove to a man he is wrong? Is that going to make him like you?”

“A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”

“Control you temper – remember you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry.”

“You cannot teach a  man anything; you can only help him find it within himself.”

“Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so.”

“Nobody in the heavens above or on the earth beneath will ever object to your saying ‘I may be wrong. Let’s examine the facts’.”

“When a person says no, and really mean it, he is she is doing far more than saying a word of two letters. The entire organism – glandular, nervous, muscular – gather itself together into a condition of rejection.”

“He who treads softly goes far.”

“You may be tempted to interrupt. But don’t. It is dangerous. They won’t pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression.”

“Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.”

“Be 100% sincere.”

“Three-fourths of people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you. “

“Sympathy the human species universally craves. The child eagerly displays his injury; or even inflicts a cut of bruise in order to reap abundant sympathy. For the same purpose adults… show their bruises, relate their accidents, illness, especially details of surgical operations. Self-pity for misfortunes real or imaginary is, in some measure, practically a universal practice.”

“For after all, we are either men or monkeys – and the choice usually lies with ourselves.”

“If you are satisfied with the results you are now getting, why change? If you are not satisfied, why not experiment?”

“This is the day of dramatization. Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. You have to use showmanship. The movies do it. Television does it. And you will have to do it if you want attention.”

“All of these dramatize for the viewer and the advantages offered by whatever by whatever is being sold – and they do get people to buy them.”

“All men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward.”

“The one facet of the jobs that was most stimulating? Money? Good working conditions? Fringe benefits? No – not any of those. The one major factor that motivated people was the work itself. If the work was exciting and interesting, the worker looked forward to doing it and was motivated to do a good job.”

“That is what every successful person loves – the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win. That is what makes pie-eating contests. The desire to excel. The desire for the feeling of importance.”

“It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points. A barber lathers a man before he shaves him.”

“Begin with praise and honest appreciation.”

“I didn’t exhort him to stop or make threats or warn him about the dangers. All I did was point out how I was hooked on cigarettes and what it had meant to me. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.”

“Admitting ones own mistakes – even when one hasn’t corrected them – can help convince somebody to change his behaviour.”

“Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask. People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.”

“I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself.”

“Praise is like the sunlight the human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it. And yet, while most of us are only too ready to apply to others the cold wind of criticism, we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow the warm sunshine of praise.”

“He had singled out a specific compliment, rather than just making general flattering remarks, his praise became much more meaningful to the person to whom it was given. Everybody likes to be praised but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere – not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good.”

“Nobody wants insincerity.”

“Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement.”

“If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics. Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make the prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.”

“Tommy.T – the school’s most notorious bad boy – I understand you are a natural leader. I’m going to depend on you to help me make this class the best class in the fourth grade this year.”

“Tell your child, your spouse, your employee that he or she is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, has no gift for it, and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try and improve. But use the opposite technique = be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his or her ability to do it, that he has an under developed flair for it  – and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window  in order to excel.”

“It is naive to believe that you will always get a favourable reaction from other persons when you use these approaches, but the experience of most people shows that you are more likely to change attitudes this way than by not using these principles – and if you increase your success by even a mere 10 percent, you have become 10 percent more effective as a leader than you were before – and that is your benefit.”

Key Principles:

Become genuinely interested in other people.

Smile.

Remember a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

Talk in terms of other peoples’ interests.

Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.

Never say “you’re wrong”

Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

Dramatize your ideas.

Begin with praise.

Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

As questions instead of giving direct orders.

Praise the slightest improvement.

Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.

Give honest and sincere appreciation.

Arouse on the other person an eager want.

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Korea, Love and Longing

South African with a passion for writing, photography... and nothing much else. I travel the world in order to find the country I like the best. Four years in South Korea makes me a winning survivor of Google translate and charades. Currently, living in Spain. - Love

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