I deleted my previous post about how I was feeling like a failure and even though I suppose that is the point of an online journal type of vibe – to no hide anything or sugar coat it – I realise that those feelings were, while valid, a little over exaggerated. I felt a day of disappointment, but I’ve taken some time to get on with all the positive things I’ve been doing and I feel great, once again.
I’ve received a grade from one of my exams and I passed with a great percentage. I am waiting on two more results. I weighed myself a day early (to see what damage the emotional slip-up did) and I am 1.2 kg’s down, which is also a reason to be very proud of myself. I am almost at 10 kg’s lost in six weeks. I should feel like a proud and accomplished person, because all of the above I did, by myself, without the help of anyone else.
As some may of read in the post I deleted, I may not be rehired at my job in March because of a budget cut. I told myself that it was only because I wasn’t a good enough teacher and they just didn’t want me, but realize that that attitude was self-destructive and that that wasn’t true. My teachers and recruiter have all admitted that losing me would be a loss to the school, that they want to continue working with me and that I should wait before finding a new job, as the budget will become final soon. Yet, after thinking about it today – everything happens for a reason. And as I told my mother in an e-mail – I am lonely in my town. I don’t have any friends close by and it contributes to a lot of my sadness. The second biggest thing I don’t like about where I live, is that there is no subway line close by. I am quite disconnected to the bigger part of the province. Although I do love my school and all of my co-workers, and walking into a new job may means a lot more classes, a different age group of students and difficult co-workers – the location seems to be important to me at this point. So, I’ll continue looking for a new job in Korea, whilst waiting on the budget announcement. It can’t hurt and perhaps I will get a new job in a great city that I love even more.
It’s funny, I never quite believe it when people tell me encouraging or complimentary things. My best friend was deep in depression about eight or more months ago and his mother told him that something wonderful will come along. He told me this. A few months later, he got an incredible job and started a wonderful relationship and he is extremely happy. He passed the same advice down to me, and although I feel like it has worked some-what, as I am a happier person and I am on a positive path – it has all been internal. I am waiting for something wonderful to come my way, literally. Oddly enough, my mother gave me the same advice last night. She said “Something wonderful will happen to you jy sal sien.” Jy sal sien is Afrikaans for You will see. And I take those words as valid. Maybe this whole budget scare is the push that I need to put me in a completely new city or province where I could meet new and wonderful people that’ll enrich my life and experience new and different things.
Have a fabulous weekend, all x