I’ve been battling with something for the past week, and I feel like it’s just poisoning my mind. I want to be grateful and proud of what I have achieved so far – a change in attitude, in health and activities and I constantly tell myself I can control my own thoughts, but there are two people who, of late, will not stop entering my mind.
I wrote a post about meeting the guy I had been seeing earlier this year for lunch because he was leaving Korea. It was a fabulous lunch, and we both had a great time talking and laughing. His flight got delayed and he messaged me last weekend. We met up again, for a night out.
Before arriving, I had wondered if something would happen and yes – I did initiate it. It did happen. I had a really great night, but I was left with him in my mind for two days. After that, over analyzing everything he did (or didn’t do). The goodbye lunch we had just two weeks ago left me with absolute feelings of closure and happiness but now I think I’ve gone and fucked that up.
To add to this, a girl I know told me on Friday that my ex was now seeing someone else. After the horrific way in which he left me and even after all of the progress I’d made – I found myself thinking about him a lot this weekend. I don’t look back with fond memories. I am not sad or depressed. I am mad that he has gone with his fake charming ways, worming his way into someone else’ life and being that huge snake that I only knew he was at the end of our relationship. It makes me sick that he’s now acting in that same manner with someone else. I couldn’t stop thinking about him with someone else and the things he’d say to her and what they’d do. Although I KNOW he is no good (for me), it still hurts.
I feel like my mind is polluted again with bad thoughts. The two relationships I’ve had this year are like garbage in my mind. I thought I’d moved past all of the hurt with both of them, and it seems to have crept back in. Is that what I get for using another person to take away the heartache of my first relationship?
I’ve set myself some goals where I don’t date anyone until I reach a certain weight. It’s going to be a big test of self control and I know I will only benefit from it, this is MY time to shine but Lord I need some strength to get these two out of my head and take the first step in controlling my life and thoughts.