Getting Rid of my Demons.

I’ve been battling with something for the past week, and I feel like it’s just poisoning my mind. I want to be grateful and proud of what I have achieved so far – a change in attitude, in health and activities and I constantly tell myself I can control my own thoughts, but there are two people who, of late, will not stop entering my mind.

I wrote a post about meeting the guy I had been seeing earlier this year for lunch because he was leaving Korea. It was a fabulous lunch, and we both had a great time talking and laughing. His flight got delayed and he messaged me last weekend. We met up again, for a night out. Before arriving, I had wondered if something would happen and yes – I did initiate it. It did happen. I had a really great night, but I was left with him in my mind for two days. After that, over analyzing everything he did (or didn’t do). The goodbye lunch we had just two weeks ago left me with absolute feelings of closure and happiness but now I think I’ve gone and fucked that up.

To add to this, a girl I know told me on Friday that my ex was now seeing someone else. After the horrific way in which he left me and even after all of the progress I’d made – I found myself thinking about him a lot this weekend. I don’t look back with fond memories. I am not sad or depressed. I am mad that he has gone with his fake charming ways, worming his way into someone else’ life and being that huge snake that I only knew he was at the end of our relationship. It makes me sick that he’s now acting in that same manner with someone else. I couldn’t stop thinking about him with someone else and the things he’d say to her and what they’d do. Although I KNOW he is no good (for me), it still hurts.

I feel like my mind is polluted again with bad thoughts. The two relationships I’ve had this year are like garbage in my mind. I thought I’d moved past all of the hurt with both of them, and it seems to have crept back in. Is that what I get for using another person to take away the heartache of my first relationship?

I’ve set myself some goals where I don’t date anyone until I reach a certain weight. It’s going to be a big test of self control and I know I will only benefit from it, this is MY time to shine but Lord I need some strength to get these two out of my head and take the first step in controlling my life and thoughts.

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Korea, Love and Longing

South African with a passion for writing, photography... and nothing much else. I travel the world in order to find the country I like the best. Four years in South Korea makes me a winning survivor of Google translate and charades. Currently, living in Spain. - Love

4 thoughts on “Getting Rid of my Demons.”

  1. I relate more strongly than I can really say with what you wrote here.

    All I can say is that I would imagine you will indeed feel more grounded and disentangled from the past the more time that passes and the more that you engage with other things- whether it be your weight, or your health, or your art, or anything at all. If you are truthfully engaging in something that matters to you in the here-and-now, it gives your mind more time to let go of past loves and attachments as you build new ones.

    There are people that I have let go of emotionally and still if I hear their voice, I am thrown for an emotional loop, but it’s not as all-encompassing as it used to be. It’s more like smelling a strong whiff of someone’s cigarette smoke and realizing that I no longer want that smoke for myself, even though I remember well what it was like to have it as my one grounding tool, if that makes sense.

    I think that so many of us feel what you are feeling, and I really hope that the things you want to feel will happen in time and your unwanted thoughts and attachments will naturally fade as they are not fed with real experiences. It’s natural that you keep thinking about them, replaying them, and all of that- I’ve totally done that too, and things will change eventually, I am sure 🙂

    1. Thank you SO much for this comment. You’re always so thoughtful and comment in a way that makes me feel like my feelings are valid and that I matter. I am on a strong journey to explore myself right now, and it’s just a spoke in the works now that past feelings, feelings that I thought I had dealt with, are coming back. I thought I was at the point in your analogy about the cigarette smoke, but clearly I am not. Not having any friends close by is also a major cause of how I have been feeling. I need to start doing more things, even if it is alone, like going to the gym or seeing a movie.

      My mind just feels like this tight box of mostly good, but those few bad thoughts and they’re screaming to leave. I worry and obsess about things, it makes everything harder. The one guy leaves Korea on Thursday and the other in January, apparently. I have this crazy notion that my life and mind will seem cleaner once they have left.

      I just continually tell myself that I can control my own thoughts, but I really think being idle at work and at home plays a big part in my progress and healing. I keep telling myself I need to do more things, and never do. I used to think I had a problem with finishing things that I start – the old me would of made this blog and left it as soon as I thought I had healed and I feel proud that I have maintained it. This is the time to focus on myself.

      1. Have I mentioned this book called “The Happiness Trap” to you? I probably mention it in like 80% of my comments but I truly feel that it is such a powerful tool- it is showing me that sometimes even the pressure to have “mostly good” thoughts can be so hard for us, and that if we are working towards lives that are meaningful and fulfilling then there will undoubtedly be times that are “bad” or not feeling good. But the position that you are in seems so in between things- you are in a transition, and these people are leaving (which, yeah, will be a useful aspect of it- definitely makes it easier than if you are going to keep running into them or have even the chance to) and things are changing.
        One of the major things I’m learning for myself right now is that thoughts are not always controllable, and that that is OKAY. Sometimes someone will seem hot even though I have a boyfriend, sometimes someone will be lovable even though I am in love, and that is OKAY. I don’t need to indulge in or act on those feelings, but if I try to fight them off or deny them, it may just end up giving me more excuses to beat myself up or obsess over what I’m doing wrong. That makes very little sense right now and right here I guess..but basically, I love what you are doing with focusing on yourself, and at the same time, the parts about wanting to control what you think or how you feel may end up being harder to do because they are sometimes impossible, but having an ability to forgive some thoughts and times of obsession can lead to just as much relief as if you never had them to begin with..that seems silly to type but it does feel true. The book the Happiness Trap is also amazing for these things, it is useful and not as foofy as it may seem. I think I wouldn’t leave such long darn comments if I didn’t feel that the things you are eloquently saying are things that I felt so closely in the past..it’s almost eerie! 🙂

  2. I do agree with you that you should feel certain feelings – if you just ignore them or conveniently tuck them away, they will most likely come back to haunt you later. I mean with regards to negative thoughts – I know that both of these people served a great purpose in my life, they made me face fears and learn a lot but now that my feelings are changing again, I don’t need to look at them with jealousy, one – because we’ve had our time and it just didn’t work and two, anger – because how I feel towards that one person and his fate is NOT up to me. So, instead of thinking about those bad feelings, I can focus on the good that it brought about. But, again we’re human and we feel angry and jealous. I just wish I didn’t.

    I am not ready for a new relationship, even though I know that’ll curb the bad feelings, yet it’ll just add on more if it fails. I’ve made myself a goal to focus only on myself and only date again when I feel that I love and appreciate my own company and when I feel stronger and more confident to do so.

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