I recently watch a TED Talks video about “Fake it till you make it.” – It was about how body language can determine how confident you are and just by faking a simple posture or acting as though you are confident in the way that you resume yourself, can trick the mind into thinking we are confident, until one day – we actually are.
“Fake it till you make it” is exactly what I am doing. Objectively, I live a great life but my body and mind are not healthy. If you have been following my last few posts, you’ll see that they’ve been positive and (hopefully) inspiring – if not for you, then for me. I’ve been saturating my blog, Facebook and life with positive word, pictures, videos, thoughts and actions. Enough so, that the person viewing them could believe that I was moving on in a great direction and I was thinking positively. I am forcing myself everyday to see those things, to believe them and to feel them. I see something inspiring and I feel inspired, but only for that moment or that day. I need a constant reminder that I am capable, that people work hard to achieve their dreams and that I need to believe God and His plan for my life. I’ve been a horrible Christian for the last two years, but I still continue to believe in the power of Christ and that everything happens for a reason.
“Sometimes you have to stand alone just to make sure that you still can.” – Those words mean a lot to me. Who said them? Why are they valid? Who knows, but they mean something to me. I never thought I’d become this person. After many years of meaningless encounters in which I felt nothing, and could feel nothing, I now crave the co-dependence of another human in my life. I want to be responsible for another life, compromising and loving (and by that, I don’t mean I want a child – which I desperately do, when the time is right). I’ve suffered a bit of trauma in my life, and it’s cause me to never want to be with a man, to never feel anything for him after sex and to be utterly terrified about embarking on any form of relationship. I’ve overcome that this year, and it feels great. So much so, that I can’t wait to be with someone again. But, for now – “Sometimes you have to stand alone just to make sure that you still can.”