I positively could not sleep last night. Maybe it was because I had woken up at twelve noon. Either way, it was 5:30am and I was laying bed, wondering about what my next blog post would be. I felt somewhat inspired and excited to start writing about some more positive, as you may know my previous entries have been nothing but disasters. I wanted to write about how Korea has changed my life, and it has. But as it goes, this will not be that post.
I woke up around the same time today, twelve noon. I feel worse than what I did yesterday because it’s Friday. I’ve spent 80% of this week alone in my apartment and that’s been fine. I’ve cried, I’ve written, I’ve watched movies, cooked, slept and done my assignment. Some would call this ~me~ time. This is exactly what I’d hoped to achieve during my time off. However, it’s Friday now. It’s been one week since my ex has spoken to me. Given the circumstances, it’s evident he feels not a shred of guilt, and so the only thing I dread – is for the sun to go down, when the bars are alive and he is out, quite possibly meeting and fucking someone else.
I’d been messaged by a guy who lives in my city at the beginning of the week. We went to the same University, yet only met in Korea. He’s a friend, kind of, but we’ve slept together twice. He told me he could tell something was up and if I wanted to join him this weekend, then cool. I was pretty appreciative of the message. I thought it was thoughtful that someone cared to do that. When I told him so, he replied with “You can thank me on Friday ; )” Again, sex. The question stands – do I go see this guy tonight? I am broke and unable to travel to friends. I fear being alone, especially tonight. I told him that I was in a bad place, he should not expect much from me. That was my subtle way of trying to get him to understand that really all I need right now, is a friend. I know that if I go over there – drinking will almost definitely lead to sex, and waking up in that manner tomorrow may be worse than the feelings I’d feel tonight. I don’t know what to do.
On a positive note, I feel that my cluttered brain with haphazard worries, concerns, events and questions is now more clear. It’s difficult to explain – but if you suffer from anxiety, you may get an understanding of what I mean. It’s like someone taking a clean sheet of paper, scribbling all over it repeatedly and crumpling it up – just muddling up all of the scribbles together making no sense whatsoever. This is what it’s like inside my head, constantly. My head feels less cluttered, because I’ve written it all down. This blog has helped me in more ways than anyone or thing has. My friends have all told me “You don’t deserve this” “He’s a douche” and thank you to all of you, I appreciate it more than you know – but isn’t that what friends are supposed to say after a break up? I don’t take anything at face value anymore and more importantly, how do I believe them when I feel this break up is a reflection upon myself? My best friend told me –“You need to appreciate people’s kindess” and it’s true – so thank you to all of you who have put up with my rantings, and crazy notions. I have love for all of you.
I’ve been hesitant to admit to the fact that I am back on the online dating websites, and I am hopelessly waiting for some new guy to take me out of my misery. As another good friend said – “One way of getting over a guy is to get under another”. I’m honestly not looking for a hook up. My life has been too many of those. In fact, if there is something I have learned in the past six months – it’s don’t mix first meets or first dates with alcohol. Alcohol and low self esteem equals bad judgment. I would like to try the whole ~afternoon coffee thing~ at some point in my life.
If it hasn’t become evident to you by now – I am brand spanking new to the dating scene. Prior to these last six months, I spent a grueling six years sleeping around and not feeling a damn thing about it. I could fuck someone (I know the language is horrific, but that’s what it was), not knowing their name and not persist to care the next day. It takes it’s toll, I’m not saying I was heartless – there were times every couple of months where I’d analyse my behaviour and hate myself but I was too scared to open myself up emotionally. I retraced from any real feelings during these escapades, but later they would catch up with me. This part of my life is cause for a whole new post, and you’ll see it – just not yet.
I guess I am waiting for some beautiful boy to save me from my old ways (The Killers), but never have those lyrics meant more to me. I sincerely thought that was Brett, but life sometimes throws you off.