I’m back at work today, after having taken a sick day yesterday. I needed a “personal day” – as I like to call it, even though I knew it would just be me crying in bed all day. It wasn’t.
I cried, of course, but I sat down and started writing. I wrote and afterwards, I read it over and over many times. Reading what I wrote 1. took my mind off things and 2. helped me believe that this person that I thought I knew, was really a coward and an emotionless excuse of a human.
I have to read my own writing continuously to make myself believe this. To make myself believe that, at the end of the day, his apathy is what saved me more heart ache in due time. Yes, it hurts now. Yes, it has made me look at myself and think “What did I do?” “Is it ME?” and “Why does he not want ME?” Those are all legitimate questions to ask, and I am still asking them. The biggest question right now, is “Why?”. “Why did you tell me those things?” “Why did you do those things?”.
It was unfair that he told me those things. It was unfair, because they were untrue. If he really did even care about me in the slightest, this wouldn’t be happening. My heart hurts, not only because I feel that I am always a good person – I give, I care and I would never be able to do anything morally or maliciously wrong to anyone, not only because I fell for this guy leaps and bounds but also because it’s made me look at myself differently. I am not a lovable or even likable person, am I?
I am not worthy of an explanation, am I? I am not good enough for an uneducated, 27 year old divorcee (apparently) with nothing going for him besides the military.
I get mad, because I showed him a life that he would never have experienced without me. I taught him new things about the world, I gave him many firsts. I made Korea a better place for him, and regardless of the fact that he said that and I don’t know if I believe his words, I know that I made this place better for him. And at the end of the day, I get a big slap in my face for it all.
I give myself too freely. I fall for the first ‘prince’ that waltzes in and tells me how wonderful I am, or heck, the first guy that gives me some attention. I know that I am capable of that, because I crave love. I do, however, feel this wasn’t like that. I had genuine feelings for this guy. We had fun, all of the time.
He looked after me and cared for me, he was patient and a gentleman. And that’s where the problem lies here – how do I ever trust anyone again, if this man who was apparently so wonderful, kind, thoughtful, patient and gentlemanly, turns out to be the biggest liar and fake of them all?
This is a tip, I hope you can take this lesson. Be genuine and honest with your feelings. If honesty was universal, the world would be a better place. Outside of bigger world problems, girls wouldn’t be sitting judging their behaviour, wondering what they did, analyzing events, wondering, lowering their self-esteem, losing the ability to trust anyone or even fear starting something new.
After all of this is said, it’s sad that I still don’t want to be with anyone but him. He still has that piece, a big piece of my heart. He allowed me to open up myself to him, and take that piece. His presence is missed. My apartment reminds me of him, my city reminds me of him. I know I won’t ever go and meet him again, with that excitement in my body and that smile on my face.
That nervousness, and then finally that kiss, hello. It won’t happen again. He won’t let me tangle my legs across his, he won’t let me link arms with him in bed, I won’t ever tickle the back of his neck and he will never tell me how perfect and wonderful I am.
I can acknowledge the fact that he is the worst kind of human, but I still cannot let go of him.